The Epitaph

'R' You Good Enough For The Goonies II?

2011-01-14T01:30:00.000-05:00

If you were growing up in the 1980's, then you probably hold the Spielberg/Columbus/Donner movie The Goonies somewhere on your list of favorite films. Like every other youngin' from that era, you've probably been excited about news of a potential sequel that's been making the rounds on and off again in recent years. Usually accompanying that news is a followup story about how cast members or staff involved with the original saying that, although they'd be willing to participate, other matters would prevent such an occurrence from happening. It's mostly a matter of concerns about whether or not they could do the franchise justice with another iteration. The prevailing premise for the sequel, if it ever does come to fruition, is that it stars the kids of the original cast members, who would also make appearances in the movie, and their own adventures in the vein of their parents' famous trek for One-Eyed Willie's "rich stuff".

Anyway, back to the "being a child of the 80's" thing. You probably owned a Nintendo Entertainment System as well, didn't you? Then you most likely forgot that you had access to, or maybe even witnessed yourself, a title called The Goonies II. Let me remind you of what you had, or what you may have missed, whatever your case may be. The video game known as The Goonies II was not made to be a sequel to the 1985 film, but as a follow-up to a game titled simply The Goonies. Not too many Nintendo playing Americans realized there was a predecessor to the second game and thought The Goonies II was meant to take place after the movie it was based around. The first game was only released on Famicom (the NES's name in Japan) consoles, although it did make an appearance in American arcades. Both of these games were made by Konami, who you may also know as the company that houses both the Contra and Metal Gear franchises.

The Story
At the end of the first game, or movie if you prefer, The Goonies helped put the crooked Fratelli family behind bars. But as everyone knows, it's impossible to keep a Fratelli behind bars for long, and they have escaped with payback on their minds, as opposed to turning over new leaves as contributors to civilized society. Mama Fratelli, with her sons Jake and Francis in the background, appear on TV, either commandeering the airwaves or via video tape, and tell The Goonies that they have kidnapped a mermaid named Annie. This new character is apparently acquainted with them and is never seen in either the previous game or the movie. As The Goonies attempt to rescue their aquatic friend, most of them are also captured by their adversaries and locked up in various points of One-Eyed Willie's catacombs, which were taken over and renovated by the mob family. The player begins the game as Mikey Walsh, the sole Goonie who evaded capture, and sets out on his biggest adventure yet to save his friends and stop the Fratellis once and for all!

Field Guide
You'll traverse very different level types as you progress, meeting the increasingly tougher enemies that populate them. You'll meet spiders and snakes in every one except the last two listed, with the latter baddie increasing in speed the further you go. A constant nuisance are the members of the Fratelli clan. The men are all decked out in blue mobster suits with fedoras and shades, and can jump about three times their own height. That's higher than Mario can. Something most of them have in common is that they can't be killed, only temporarily stunned. You'll run into Jake the most, firing a bullet from his gun about every five seconds. Then there's Francis, who resembles his brother except for being a bit thicker, and he'll shoot arrows that split into three as they fly towards you. Can't forget about Mama Fratelli, who will only show up in one of the later restaurant sections, but she certainly makes an impact with her appearance. That's because she'll toss an endless supply of bombs and takes quite a few hits to upend her. New to this adventure is the pint-sized cousin Pip-Squeak Fratelli, who doesn't do much except zip around and make quick hops. Unlike the main members of the family, he can be killed.

The Lighthouse Lounge- This is where you start your mission, among the tables and dusty crates of the Fratellis' restaurant hideout that serves as the secret entrance to the underground maze. You'll pop up to other parts of the diner during your mission, and you'll almost always run into a member of their family every time. Even more dangerous are the ghost knights and skeletal warriors!
Cellar- Directly beneath the diner is a dusty stone cellar with numerous ladders and elevators to navigate the multitude of platforms. Watch overhead for Hitchcockian crows! As you go deeper in the basement, you'll run into a quartet of ghosts that merge into one specter and lumbering gray beasts who take more hits than any other creature in the game.
Caverns- These dark and spooky rock-scaped caves are home to H20 hazards such as waterfalls and geysers. Beware of the mutated scorpions as they fire poisonous projectiles at you and the leaping winged skeletons! Bats, the absolute most annoying enemy in the game, will also be a common sight. As you delve deeper into the earth, you'll have to leap across rocky columns jutting out of lava beds while you avoid being sauteed by miniature fire-breathing dragons!
Bridge- This crumbling wooden bridge, held in suspension by ancient ropes, links both halves of the "front" of the maze together. The challenge isn't the numerous jumps you'll have to make in order to cross this dilapidated structure, it's avoiding the floating fanged skulls that swoop down and steal your awesome boomerang weapon from you! Other than noshing on your favorite toy, they are harmless to you.
Ice Cave- A new set of enemies harass you in this slippery ice hole. Pissed off penguins, vicious walruses, dancing polar bears, and even a hatchet chucking Eskimo will make you feel as unwelcome as possible. You'll also meet a harmless Eskimo inside a passageway, but unlike his brothers, he serves no purpose and will even admit to that fact.
Underwater- Strap on your diving suit, float around, and skewer the tropical sea life with harpoons. Piranhas, crabs, octopus, jellyfish, and sharks will try to hinder your efforts down here, and the only secondary weapon you'll have access to is your bombs.

Inventory
Yo-Yo- Your default weapon, it'll extend a couple of feet in front of you to strike your enemies. Pretty puny, but if you're a quick button tapper, you'll be able to stun your target with successive blows until he expires.
Boomerang- The yo-yo was fine for taking out pesky spiders and snakes, but you'll want this long range weapon in order to protect your health bar for as long as possible. You'll never want to use the 'yo again with this in your pocket. Losing this item to the floating skulls of the suspension bridge is disheartening, but fortunately you can obtain the boomerang again by returning to the same place you found it.
Slingshot- A useful weapon that is hard to come by. It has limited shots, but unlike the boomerang you won't have to wait for your bullet to return (obviously) before firing another. Ammo is so incredibly rare that you'll probably manage to find only five refills throughout the duration of your game. You'll probably hardly ever use it in an effort to conserve ammunition for a tough encounter you'll worry about facing, but never happens.
Moltov Cocktail- If you're facing a strong baddie who is getting way too close for comfort, lob one of these explosive bottles of fire and kerosene at them.
Bomb- A dual purpose weapon, you'll probably be better off using it as a tool as opposed to offense. You drop it at your feet and it detonates about a second and a half afterward, and you'll take damage if you're near it when that happens. It's more useful for dropping in random places and hoping you'll reveal a hidden doorway. However, it does deal out more damage than the Molotov cocktail, so if you can time it right, you'll send your target of choice to kingdom come.
Key- The staple of every adventure game, this item allows you to open up safes and set your Goonie pals free from the cells the Fratellis have imprisoned them in. Used only in passageways.
Hammer- Your fist is fine for knocking items out of their hiding places, but you won't be able to punch portals through walls, ceilings, or floors without this heavy duty tool. Used only in passageways.
Ladder- There are a lot of holes in the ceilings and floors that you can't access without this handy ladder. Used only in passageways.
Glasses- A pair of spectacles that will cure Mikey's apparent far-sightedness by allowing him to see doors and wall safes he couldn't before. Used only in passageways.
Candle- Several of the rooms you enter will be pitch black, so using this will illuminate your surroundings. You can still navigate doors, hit walls, climb portals, and pick up items without it, but this makes it less of a hassle. Worth getting, but you won't need it to beat the game. Used only in passageways.
Transceiver- Admittedly, I never discovered this item during my numerous playthroughs, at least, not that I can remember. So that means, yes, you can beat the game without it. Apparently it can be used to communicate with the trapped Goonies and Konami itself. Talk about breaking the fourth wall!
Waterproof Coat- Slip this on to guard you from the damaging effects of the waterfall and geysers. While you can beat the game without it, it's still worth having for protection, plus you'll be able to find a hidden door to Konami Man behind one of the falls easier with it on.
Bulletproof Vest- Having this on your person will lessen damage taken from the bullets fired by Jake Fratelli and the mutant scorpions. Each shot normally reduces half a life bar, but this will cause it to take only a quarter. Not needed to finish the game.
Helmet- Cover your dome with this yellow piece of plastic to deflect the icicles that occasionally rain down in the ice cave. Wholly unneeded to complete the game, as its only purpose is to protect you from a hazard in the smallest level type in the game that are easy enough to dodge on your own.
Diving Suit- Lets you dive underwater and skewer the edible denizens of the deep with harpoons. There are a couple of Goonies to be found in the underwater caves as well as Annie the mermaid, so I'll leave it up to you to figure out whether or not you need it to complete the game.
Jumping Shoes- Lacing up these blue shoes will propel you heights that even pro basketball players wouldn't be able to reach. That's because each has a pair of springs embedded in the soles. Not only will you be able to reach high locations you could only stare longingly at before, they're quite ideal for saving you trips up ladders and evading enemies.
Hyper Shoes- If you put on these red winged shoes, which bear a striking resemblance to the company logo of The Athlete's Foot, you'll leave even those lightning fast serpents and speeding bullets in your wake! Great for covering more ground a lot faster than before and jumping across wide gaps.
Key Holders, Bomb Boxes, and Fire Boxes- Increases the carrying capacity of your keys, bombs, and Moltov cocktails respectively. Several of each can be found.
Magic Locator Device- Finding one of these will highlight the location of a Goonie on the map screen. I guess the Fratellis had them tagged.

Your playable character Mikey begins his grand adventure armed only with a yo-yo for making short range strikes at the weak foes you'll encounter early on in his mission. Your starting health consists of two bars, which is fine when you face the easy "one hit to kill" enemies at the start, but quickly becomes a headache when you go against the faster and stronger enemies that you meet pretty early on.
The hideout is made up of two sides of platforming style "action scenes", a front and a back, that are connected via "adventure scene" passageways you navigate in first person. It is inside these passages where you discover a majority of the items, and where you mostly use them as well. You'll find wall safes, which have to be opened with a key, that contain either an item or a clue. Just be sure you remember which ones you've already exhumed, because they will be closed again the next time you see them and you'll waste another key to discover a whole lot of nothing. You will also meet up with several bizarre, Engrish-speaking characters who will either offer you hints, equipment, or an energy refill. These include ancient monks, blind elderly women, the colorful Konami Man, and a Gill-man apparently on vacation from his black lagoon. It is inside these adventure scenes that you will rescue your Goonie comrades, and doing so adds an extra bar to your health meter.
The gameplay is solid and controls very well, but what else would you expect from Konami? Seeing as how this game wasn't rushed out to be released alongside a movie hitting the theater, a problem that today's licensed games suffer from, they were allowed to take time with this one. The play style is similar to the Metroid series in that it's non-linear, and you'll have to backtrack in order to access areas you were unable to reach before you grabbed a significant inventory item. You'll see holes in ceilings that were unreachable before finding the ladder, and when you nab the glasses you'll most likely want to revisit old passageways to see if you missed any invisible goodies the first time you passed through them. It's rewarding to finally be able to cross a long gap that you passed and cursed at so many times before when you finally strap on the hyper shoes late in the game. The game music is awesome and truly establishes the mood of your location, including an 8-bit instrumental of Cyndi Lauper's "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" playing through the restaurant sections. When you get a game over, you end up at a screen where Mama Fratelli, with an excessively animated face, asks whether or not you wish to continue. If you choose not to, she helpfully provides with you with the kind of scrambled password that every NES player is most likely familiar with in order for you to continue thwarting her scheme in the future. If you do want to continue... she wishes you luck. I even think she is genuine about it.

In game, Mikey is sporting quite a punky style with his blazing hot pink hair and matching sweat pants with a navy blue muscle shirt. Cyndi Lauper has not been a good influence on him. The other Goonies all look identical, except for slight differences in hair and clothing style between genders. This means that Brand and Chunk share the same sprite. They all look like chubby midget clowns in blue overalls/dresses, with red hair, shirt, and shoes. Yes, even Data. One of the most lovable characters from the movie, Sloth, makes absolutely no appearance at all. How could you not figure out a role for this strong and loyal defector from the Fratelli clan, even if just as a cameo in one of the passageways to hand you off an item? Speaking of notable omissions from the film, none of Data's inventions make it in. You'd think things like belts equipped with spring loaded boxing gloves, suction cupped darts that reel in those out of reach items, and novelty teeth grappling hooks would be no-brainer and useful additions to your inventory. You'll also acquire two kinds of shoe upgrades, but absolutely no slick shoes.

Tips
-A map is imperative for this journey. While there is an in-game one, it is made up of featureless white squares that is of little help. I highly recommend making your own so you can scrawl notes on it. Then again, now that I think about it, I never used a map when I played in my youth. I actually completed the game multiple times, sometimes in one sitting, with my own memory guiding me on where to go. Let me rephrase: older folks like myself with decaying brain matter will need to make a map.
-Most enemies spawn via a morphing cloud and take a couple of seconds to emerge. Use this as an opportunity to strike them the second they finish forming.
-You'll receive a message inside a safe about how you'll only find some doors by dropping bombs in appropriate places. It's not worth the effort of placing explosives after every few paces you take, as the only things these doors will contain are 1-ups or Konami Man. Useful sure, but not worth the effort of spending hours finding bombs and wasting them minutes later.
-Several times throughout your adventure, you will come upon several women sitting in rooms and wailing about how they can't see anything without their glasses. You'll probably take this as a cue that you'll need to find a pair and give them to her in return for a valuable item or clue. Don't waste your time, as their only purpose is to hint that, when you find the glasses, you'll be able to use them to see things you couldn't without them.
-Do not punch Konami Man. Not because he might kick your ass, which he could, but because he will return the favor in a much worse manner: He'll refuse to refill your life bar whenever you find him for the rest of the game. Everyone else in the game can safely have their jaws jacked. There is even one person in particular where this is actually a necessity in finding an item. You'll know who it is because they'll pretty much make you want to pound them.
-Don't sweat game overs. You'll restart in the same region you died in, with the only penalty being that your bombs, Molotov cocktails, keys, and slingshot ammo will be gone. These things can easily be recovered by spending a few minutes attacking the endlessly respawning spiders and snakes.
-If you make it to Annie the Mermaid's holding tank before rescuing all The Goonies and/or without having a key on hand, you might think you're stuck there with no visible exit. Even pressing down on the control pad won't let you escape. What you have to do is put the diving suit back on in order to do so, but you may not realize this since, unlike other times you enter the underwater worlds, there is no visible water hole in the floor.

This is one of my favorite games from my childhood, and the odds of it ever seeing an official re-release as a downloadable title on modern consoles are slim to nil. In order to do so, Konami would need to obtain the rights to The Goonies license and most likely permission from Lauper's record label for the main theme. There was no other Goonies game after this one, although Mikey did make an appearance as a playable character in another Famicom game released exclusively in Japan called Wai Wai World, where he teamed up with Konami Man, Simon Belmont, a ship from Gradius, King Kong, and a few others to take on the aliens from Contra. If the fabled sequel to the movie ever does see the light of day, how great would it be if they referenced the events of this game as having really happened? Also, just to mess with our heads, call the movie The Goonies III! Include a flashback sequence to show how they met Annie.

"Thank you to Konami and The Goonies!"

As a reward for making it through the entire review of this 20-year-old game, lay your eyes on the custom map I created to complete the game recently. Please do not attempt to utilize it yourselves or you will become even more lost than you would be without it. However, use it as a general rule of game map-making. Create it in a way that's most convenient for you to understand, not anyone else. Let them make their own damn map.

My Brush With Maim

2010-05-03T21:12:00.002-04:00

A little more than a week ago, I was contacted by Chuckles The Klown, Rhode Island's resident evil clown, with an interesting proposal: He wanted me to play a part on his public access show, The Chuckles 'n Laughs Show. It sure sounded like a unique experience, so I agreed to come down and check it out. The program in question is a macabre talk show with skits, a place where Elvira would feel right at home. It is hosted by Chuckles The Klown, a deranged jester who marks every day on his calendar as Halloween, and also takes his act on the road and occasionally M.C.s at local clubs. The show's cast is comprised of his family and friends in various costumed and heavily makeupped roles.

I first met Chuckles and a pair of his co-stars at the USWF's 16th Anniversary Show on April 18th. For those that don't know, I'm the figurehead President of that promotion, and Chuckles is a longtime veteran who was making his grand return as a manager. I guess The Klown was impressed enough with my performance to consider me a potential new talent for his show. The role in question was that of the Director of the "Chuckles Asylum", the setting of the program. I would be taking over for Dr. Degraide (USWF Hall of Famer The Lariat) who was suspended from his duties due to "malpractice". I would essentially be the big boss of the hospital, coming in to rein in on Chuckles and friends' insanity.

April ends, I turn the calendar to May, and it was show time. I drive to the studio, which is filmed out of The Klown's two car garage. That meant it was a step above about 90% of public access sets which are usually recorded in living rooms with poor lighting. The interior was a sight to behold: a glimpse into the creative mind of a man who wields horror as his comedic weapon. PVC pipe prison bars enclosing the entrance. An orange crate designed to burst open for surprise entrances. Fog machines, strobe lights, and black lights. A table with several recently made papier-mâché skulls standing to dry. A dressing room full of enough costumes, props, and face paint to staff an entire hospital of psychotic patients and equally demented caretakers. Horror and sci-fi movie memorabilia, including a Jason-inspired hockey mask signed by the likes of Tom Savini, Derek Mears, and the true Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th: Part 2, ~~Warrington Gilette~~ Steve Dash. Other anemnities that are staples of garages used solely for housing hobbies are a microwave, mini-fridge, and TV. There was also an amazingly sophisticated lighting and sound system, but even more amazing was that the show was recorded on a tiny digital camera.

After getting suited up in my costume, consisting of gaudy, blood stained blue-green scrubs, a ratty medical coat, and a burn-marked tie, I met some new people and hung with some I was already familiar with. Aside from the regular cast was Tombstone Tony of Tony Jones & The Cretin 3, DJ Psycho Eddie, RWA wrestler The Irish Warrior, and also my USWF co-stars Maniac Mike and John Almeida. The aforementioned crew have regular parts on the show, although Tony was just there to watch on this day.

The first series of acts featured a man from Taunton, Massachusetts who was about to turn the loony bin on its ear. Known as "The Human Floor", he was one of those guys who wouldn't protest if you were to walk all over him. In fact, he encouraged being used as a welcome mat. He warmed the crowd up by doing something that seemed pedestrian to him, but would get many of us sent to a REAL hospital: He held a cinder block on his head and then had his lovely assistants smash it to pieces with a club hammer. He then had one broken over his OTHER head, if you catch my drift. Following that, he inserted a nail into each nostril with the business end of a regular hammer and then had an unwilling "volunteer" pry them out with the claw end. Next he had four ladies stand on top of his body, including his face, and sang happy birthday to one of them. A ball crushing also occurred, which I was quite certain wasn't a part of the act. Then he really ramped up the freak factor by bringing out two beds of nails (I checked, they were legit), sandwiching himself between them, and then having people stand, sit, and jump on top of him. When he peeled himself out of this horizontal iron maiden, his body was full of pockmarks, but not a single one produced blood. Determined not to leave without making the audience grind their teeth into a fine powder, he smashed a pair of beer bottles, dumped the shards into a bucket full of thousands more of them, spread them on the ground, and proceeded to walk over them with his bare feet. The sound of broken glass grinding beneath his soles nearly made Chuckles himself pass out. He even took a trip over them carrying an audience member in his arms for added pressure. At least the worst was over... until he brought out the darts. Darts I personally witnessed him sharpening into fine points. He had some of us hurl them towards a crudely drawn target on his stomach. In yet another malfunction involving the man's crotch, a dart nearly missed giving him a Prince Albert. Yes, they stuck inside his flesh, and yes, there was an oozing blood trail. And yes, we also gave this sick bastard an ovation. What does that say about us? I should note that after certain stunts, Chuckles would summon me, "the doctor", to center stage to check on the condition of The Human Floor to the best of my ad-libbed abilities. I would dust some cinder block residue off his brow or check his eyes for whatever reason, then head back to my seat to allow the show to progress. Some miscellaneous facts about The Human floor is that he's a former wrestler, and that other routines in his torturous arsenal are being buried alive and having hundreds of dollars in cash stapled to his face and body.

As the show progressed, I started to become increasingly concerned about the fact that I still had no inkling of what I would be doing when it was my time to appear on stage; just who my character was. Though I was aware that a script existed, usually in the possession of Chuckles in the form of a red composition notebook, its contents had yet to be seen by my eyes. When The Human Floor finished his set, I was finally summoned backstage for a pep talk by The Klown. It was finally my time to shine, or so I thought. The next segment would be an interview with The Human Floor, which would start out with me walking on stage, introducing myself as the medical director, and how the usual insanity that occurs on the show would be ending under my watch. Then I would be seated on a couch with The Human Floor where both Chuckles and I would take turns lobbing questions at him like the razor sharp darts that were used earlier. Problem was that there was no preparatory time before hand, and this segment was going to be taking place immediately. The whole week prior to this day, I thought I would be working off a script, but in actuality, I would have to be working off the cuff with on-the-spot improv. The only thing I do worse than acting is improvisational acting. While Chuckles assured me the role would be similar to my USWF Presidential gig, I would normally prepare for that role by coming up with and reciting speeches in my head for weeks in advance. I suddenly had flashbacks to my uncomfortable "deer in headlight" moments that plagued my early USWF career where I appeared on camera with a general idea of what I should say, and then freezing up as those I shared the scene with would scramble to come up with something to fill the dead air and save the scene from myself. The last thing I wanted to do now was derail Chuckles' show with my improvisational ineptitude, so I backed out. I suppose I could tackle the role if I know what to expect beforehand, but at the time I surely wasn't a doctor, nor have I played one on TV. In the United States Wrestling Federation, I play a character whose job is to direct the chaos of a group of maniacs who wish to cause harm to themselves and each other, and in The Chuckles 'n Laughs Show... my God. The Klown was right.

There was an Asian theme to this particular episode, where specters from the Orient were conjured up and began haunting the asylum. There was a ghost ninja who was unsure of his nationality and the demon leads from The Grudge and The Ring. There were also visits from Eddie as a psycho sumo, and the head nurse played by Chuckles' real life wife Lacey, who was quite impressively made up to look like a Geisha. The talk show segments played out with Chuckles exchanging banter with The Irish Warrior or Maniac Mike, when one of the aforementioned guests would show up and start harassing whoever The Klown's sidekick was. Irish Warrior played his paranoid part perfectly, and I think the unfortunate nurse got run through with a sword twice. Apparently her death is a running gag in the series. The ninja and the sumo squared off, with the shinobi spirit getting easily squashed. Then there was a recurring segment called "The Ted Bundys" that parodied Married With Children, featuring a hockey masked Ted Bundy getting frustrated with his disappointing family and running them through with a butcher knife.

This day had two shows scheduled to be taped, but I had to depart at the conclusion of the first. I didn't get to appear on TV again, except for a brief second to check on the fainted Irish Warrior after he was apparently given a heart attack by The Ring girl, and maybe that was for the best. As a spectator, I watched the recording while trying to think of how I would interact with the scene if I were up there myself as mental preparation. I bid my farewells, was told the date of the next show, and how I might give it another try. There was a beautiful white hearse parked in front of the studio for a future segment, and it tore my heart to leave before I could see it implemented. Leaving a horror show before a hearse can be utilized is like leaving a birthday party before the cake is served.

Further Viewing:

The Chuckles 'n Laughs Show
YouTube
DailyMotion
FaceBook
MySpace

The Human Floor
YouTube
FaceBook
MySpace

Cross Guard

2009-07-21T18:52:00.008-04:00

"Gannon, where u live? Wana come w me 2 that interview that guy 2moro? Its in Warwick. My number is --- --- ---- txt me or call if ur down"

I got an e-mail late last night from The Stray Cat. I don't mean an abandoned feline whose "cat like typing" accidentally sent me a coherent FaceBook message. "The Stray Cat" is the stage name of Jay Messier, a fellow Rhode Island resident who has had a lot of crazy escapades in the Ocean State, such as hosting Yellow Snow, a public access show dedicated to his misadventures revolving around teenage girls and beer, and was once the owner of the backyard wrestling club known as the United States Wrestling Federation. Pretty much everything I just mentioned in this paragraph will have Epitaphs devoted to them, but we're going to focus on the content of the e-mail.

"That guy" is a reference to Tom Helling, who we will affectionately refer to as "The Cross Guy". Mr. Cross Guy is a man who recently found God and decided to carry a large cross over his shoulder from Bangor, Maine to Mexico to spread the powerful influence of The Almighty Father. That's about 2,900 miles. Keep in mind I walked about 10 miles through Providence to make my Confirmation and ended up with blisters the size of golf balls on my soles. This guy cares more about God now than I ever did.

The Stray Cat was anticipating that this interview would be an adequate follow-up to his "Homeless Suzy" video, where he recorded a crazy woman's ramblings at the park where his friend's wedding photos were being taken. You would figure that a gentleman emulating Christ's excruciating, cross-dragging march towards his eventual crucifixion in the 21st century might yield a bizarre interview. Would Jay's public access standout, Yellow Snow, return to its glory years on the backs of Suzy Q. and The Cross Guy?

I predicted that this interview would secure Jason Messier's destiny as the phoenix rising from the recently deceased Walter Cronkite's ashes. That is, if the news anchor who was called "The Most Trusted Man In America" had a history of convincing women to flash at night clubs and turning himself into a literal pin cushion with thumbtacks while wrestling in his backyard. He labels himself as America's Savior, dedicating himself to fight the chains of oppression that political correctness brings. He does it by finding comedy in topics that might be considered taboo by most, as evidenced by the videos he's created. So when Jay got a hot tip on The Cross Guy and his whereabouts, he knew he had to conduct an interview with him that only The Stray Cat could.

It was learned that The Cross Guy was staying at a Motel 6 in Warwick, and I have no idea how Jay did it, but he contacted the motel and managed to set up an interview with Mr. Helling for the following day. It didn't seem like Tom would be moving on from his current location for a while, as he mentioned how tired his legs were and the fact that it would be raining most of the day. But we had to get there quick. The Warwick Beacon already scooped us the day before, and I'd be damned if a larger news group beat us to the punch. Thankfully, there were no news vans in the parking lot when we arrived. We entered the Motel 6 and Mr. Helling was waiting for us in the lobby, sans cross. We were to conduct the interview in the courtyard, which was under a balcony, but that didn't really matter since the rain let up. But wouldn't you know that the lawn sprinklers just happened to start up? The Cross Guy went to his room to get his namesake first, then we were ready to roll. He sat with Stray Cat on a green metal mesh bench and I held the camera to record this historic Yellow Snow feature.

I won't spend too much time in this Epitaph transcribing what will already be found in our video footage and online articles already written and soon to be written. Links to all those will be found towards the end of this entry. I'll just address some key points. Just about every question was asked by Jay, which was fine considering many of my own were similar to what he planned on asking anyway. The one inquiry I had was basically when he started his journey and how long he expected it to last. Taking into consideration how long he could stand to walk with a mobile cross over his shoulder in a single day, plus the times he would have to shack up during inclement weather, this missionary to Mexico could be at it for years. Speaking of which, The Cross Guy said his foray towards South of the Border might not even go past that border. He might either tag it with his hand or step one foot onto Mexican soil and be done with it. Hell, he might even decide to continue his great journey indefinitely.

One thing The Cat and myself marveled about was the lack of news stories about his journey. We both searched the Internet for any info about this guy we could scrape together, and there were only a scant few articles from roaming journalists lucky enough to drive past him and chase him down for an interview. Tom did not seem perplexed, as he was not seeking attention with his journey and certainly didn't advertise it. But I have a feeling that as word of Mr. Helling spreads, many interested parties may set up camp by his estimated resting points in order to chronicle his story for their region's news organizations. It's the feel good story that's sorely missing from today's newscasts.

While The Stray Cat managed to conduct a good straight-forward interview, that wasn't the original intent. We thought we might try to ask some fun questions to take the edge off the serious message behind The Cross Guy's quest. The kinds of things that serious and legitimate reporters wouldn't ask. However, we changed our minds early on as we got to know the guy and asked normal questions. Sure, it wasn't the Homeless Suzy follow-up Jay was relying on, but I decided it was good for what it was and Tom had a great message for the human race. It was more about spirituality than religion, meaning you didn't have to have a superior being in your life to make the most of it. While there were questions I wish I remembered to ask when I had the chance, I spent more time thinking about questions that I shouldn't ask on the drive over to the motel.
-Did anyone ever make remarks about the seven-foot-long wood he was packing?
-Should he stick an umbrella on top of the cross to make his walks in the rain drier?
-Wasn't it totally hilarious that a man whose last name is Helling has turned to God? I can answer that. The answer is "no".
-Did he hope to inspire other people with his actions? Inspire them to also construct large crosses and carry them around the highways and byways of America? It's fine for one guy to do it, but if there were legions of people emulating this act it would slow down traffic worse than cyclists.
-Did he consider himself a modern day Jesus, demonstrating how he would lug around a crucifix in the present day? Features of this cross are a wheel on the bottom, a padded shoulder rest, minimal supplies strapped to the bottom, and new boots on his feet. Critics have already decried that the way Mr. Helling was going about his recreation "wasn't how Jesus did it", but I most certainly believe Mr. Christ would have if he were sentenced in this day and age.

We signed The Cross Guy's cross, as those who conversed with him were invited to do, which after only eight days and 3oo miles was already speckled with as many signatures as there are verses in The Bible. I wonder if all that extra ink and lead weighed his lumber down even more? By the time he completes his trek, the thing will probably be completely black from all the John Hancocks, not to mention his shoulder and hands stained from holding the cross in humid and moist weather conditions.

When we were finished with our questioning, we still tried to sneak in a little bit of clowning around with The Cross Guy. See, Jay brought a boom box along with us in hopes that we could convince Tom to either sing karaoke to Madonna's "Like A Prayer", or to get him to do a Hulk Hogan set of poses to The Hulkster's entrance music "Real American". Jay tuned up Hogan's music and demonstrated how the former wrestling icon would play to the crowd by flexing his arms in positions not that much different than how a cross would stand. While Mr. Helling got a kick out of The Stray Cat's routine, it wasn't for him. So we bid him farewell and good luck, and even though I have no control over such things, I apologized to the Arizona native for the rash of wet weather New England had been getting lately. Godspeed, Tom "Cross Guy" Helling. You're a stronger willed man than I.

I also made a little snippet of video with Jay before departing, (in my driveway, not in front of The Cross Guy) where I told COX Communications to fuck off because they forbid us to advertise the United States Wrestling Federation's online content. I also happened to be wearing my custom made USWF logo shirt during the interview.

And that's just... the way... it is...

Our Video Interview, courtesy of Yellow Snow Productions
Cross Walk Talk Part 1
Cross Walk Talk Part 2

More Cross Walk Reading
Warwick Beacon's article
Wicked Local's article
Newburyport News' article
Vagabond Journey's article

Keep in mind that since Tom Helling practically just started his journey, there will be many more articles written in the future, so hug that Google if this story interests you. I doubt I'll be posting any more follow-ups. I've written my piece.

Superior Metroid

2008-12-02T13:03:00.000-05:00

Metroid review
This review contains spoilers

1994's Super Nintendo treasure Super Metroid is one of the greatest gaming experiences I've ever had and one of my favorites of all time. It's also a mainstay of virtually every "best video games ever" list compiled. Whether it's placed somewhere in the top ten or even the number one spot, you'll get no argument from me. The game takes the rocky structure laid out by Metroid I and II and turns it into a smooth gameplay masterpiece. Originally touted as Metroid 3, as it was the third game made in the series at that point, Super Metroid has been bumped up to number 7 with the additions of the Metroid Prime trilogy and Metroid Prime Hunters, those games being set after the original game in the series chronology. Metroid Prime Pinball doesn't fit in anywhere, as it's merely a different platform used to tell the first Prime's story.

The first experience I had with the game was around the time it was released in '94, as a rental. My time with the Metroid franchise back then was limited to a few play sessions with a friend's copy of the original game. Needless to say, I didn't like it too much, so I wasn't sure how well I would take to number three. I guess you can judge by this review's opening sentences how things went. I would attain my own copy of Super Metroid soon after, and during the time I owned that grey game cartridge I played it to death, completing it numerous times and often starting a new game right after completing the previous one. My love affair with Super Metroid ended when I sold my Super Nintendo console and games to make way for the Nintendo 64, and it wasn't until the release of the game on the Nintendo Wii's Virtual Console service was I reunited with my old lover.

Story
When beginning a mission in Super Metroid, you are treated to a brief recap of the events of the previous (at least, previous as it was in 1994) games in the series, Metroid and Metroid II: Return of Samus. You see Samus destroy the Mother Brain during her initial quest through the planet Zebes, followed by her discovery of the Metroid hatchling deep inside planet SR388. This Metroid is the last one in existence, so Samus takes the infant to a space colony for its scientists to study. Moments after leaving the gelatinous creature in their hands, or should I say containment unit, she receives an S.O.S. from them... they're under attack! Samus quickly returns to find the space station is a state of ruin, the bodies of the scientists motionless on the floor. The Metroid larva is missing as well, and as she searches through the colony for it, she encounters her old nemesis Ridley, a purple space dragon who has the kidnapped hatchling in his grasp. Following a brief battle, Ridley flees the space colony and returns to Zebes. Samus, after evacuating the collapsing space station, follows the creature in her Starship to rescue the larva before the Space Pirates are able to clone it and begin the Metroid menace anew.

Zebes Field Guide
The planet of Zebes is comprised of seven regions with unique environments and life forms.
Crateria- The rocky surface where Samus' Starship touches down. As it is your starting point, you'll find the weakest enemies here, and quite a few weapons if you dig far enough. It also allows passage to every other area except one. Holding the all-important Bombs is the bird-like creature Torizo, who impersonates the Chozo statues strewn throughout Zebes. Keep your distance and repeatedly fire away at his chest to dispatch of your first major challenge in the game.
Brinstar- An area overgrown with vegetation where most of the platforms are made up of twisting vines and fungus, and the enemies are insect-like. You'll revisit a familiar section from the original Metroid game where old "friends" are eager to see you again. The mini-boss of this land is the thorny, large mouthed Spore Spawn who can only be attacked when he periodically opens his indestructible shell to reveal a soft core. If you're lucky you'll discover the entrance to the hideout of Kraid, a mammoth lizard who hurls spikes at you and has a severe dislike of ammunition fired down his throat.
Norfair- The deeper you go within Zebes, the hotter it gets. Welcome to Norfair, where you can hardly transverse the area without a more powerful suit and steam comes up from the ground with every step you take. Thick skinned creatures who can either spit lava or are made up of the molten rock themselves lie in wait to ambush you. Drop in unexpectedly on the magma-fleshed Crocomire and get him to cool off with a hot dip. Even further within the bowels of this carved out furnace is where Ridley waits, employing the strongest enemies in the game to protect his dwelling, including a much stronger Golden Torizo.
The Wrecked Ship- Resting in a Craterian lake is a mysterious space ship just begging for a bounty hunter to explore. It won't be an easy plunder, as you soon stumble upon the bulbous, tentacled demon known as Phantoon. As he's sapping the ship of its power, you won't be able to explore the bulk of it until you knock the ecto-plasma out of him. He hates Super Missiles, and has a little strategy that will make you reconsider using them against him. Residents of the wrecked ship include the angry souls of the craft's previous inhabitants, robots run amok, and even the environment itself with snapped wires raining sparks upon you. What's the origin behind this abandoned mother ship? That's another tale for another game...
Maridia- Strap on your Gravity Suit and dive into Zebes' underwater caverns, where various aquatic alien life forms get in your way as you progress. One such creature is the large sea snake Botwoon, who dips in and out of the holes in his chamber to take shots at you. If you can survive the quicksand and prove to be an acrobat with your Grapple Beam, you'll enter the lair of the mutant Draygon, who will pound you into the sand unless you give him a gut full of firepower. Or maybe you'll find an easier, more creative way to dispatch this green monster that just might shock the both of you.
Tourian- The high-tech hideout of the boss of the Space Pirates. You'll discover that they were able to clone the baby Metroid as you'll find several of these flying fanged jellyfish eager to drain you of life force. Enter the final chamber that houses The Mother Brain and shut down her life support system and pulverize the lumpy grey matter to halt the insidious schemes of the pirates once and for all. Although it may be a bit harder this time than it was in your first encounter many years ago.

Weapons and Upgrades
Morph Ball- The most bizarre feature of Samus' Power Suit is the ability to roll up into a perfect sphere to enable her to slip through tiny passages and lay bombs. Pretty handy in dodging enemy attacks as well. Don't try this at home.
Bomb- An infinite supply of explosives required to break through most obstacles, or at least reveal which type of item you will need to get through them. Also can be used as a weapon against slow moving enemies who wander too close, although skilled players might be able to use the knock backs from a chain of detonations to reach higher areas.
High Jump Boots- Now you can really defy gravity with this metallic footwear, which allows you to finally make it to those ledges which were just out of reach only hours before.
Speed Booster- An addition to your boots that will allow you to run at blinding speeds over quickly crumbling bridges and through certain types of rock. If you halt yourself during the peak of your run you'll begin flashing, which can enable you to somersault through weaker enemies or launch yourself like a rocket!
Grapple Beam- One of the neatest additions to your inventory. This will shoot a beam that can latch onto certain blocks and enemies and let you swing over lava beds and chasms. It can also disintegrate smaller baddies.
X-Ray Scope- An upgrade for your helmet's visor that emits a search light that can expose secrets in the terrain. Along with the map system, this item is a godsend if you wish to explore the entirety of the unpredictable world of Zebes. As useful as it is, it's only a luxury item and is unnecessary to complete the game.
Spring Ball- If you're like me and suck at the bomb climb technique, this will be your saving grace as it allows you to jump while in Morph Ball mode. You may miss this one during your first run through Zebes, but you can easily beat the game without it.
Space Jump- The sky (or ceiling) is the limit when you equip this eternal jumping device. Now you no longer have to put up with that aggravating "wall jump" crap. But don't think you need to rebound off a wall to use it, a somersault into thin air is all you need to start reaching new heights.
Screw Attack- Sonic the Hedgehog would be proud of this somersaulting buzz saw attack that lets you cut through enemies and crumbling terrain alike. Nothing can withstand the electrified slicing terror of this upgrade except Metroids and bosses.
Varia Suit- An upgrade to the stability of the Power Suit, and the one Samus is oft seen wearing in Metroid promotional materials and the Super Smash Bros. games. It reduces damage received from enemies and traps, as well as enabling her to withstand the extreme temperatures of Norfair and boiling water.
Gravity Suit- The second and last upgrade to the power of the Power Suit. Besides giving it a neat purple color, it cuts damage even more than the Varia Suit did, and more importantly, allows you move under water without being hindered by its reduced gravity. You wouldn't be able to travel very far in Maridia without it.
Charge Beam- The no-brainer addition that I wish made its debut in the Metroid series sooner. Now your beams can pack a more serious punch without having to switch to missiles to eliminate increasingly stronger enemies. And if you go into Morph Ball mode while charged up, you'll deploy five rolling bombs at once!
Spazer Beam- Three beams are better than one. This splits your shot into a trio of lasers rather than a single blast.
Ice Beam- A Metroid series regular, and the weakness of the creatures from which the games take their name. Temporarily incapacitate the bad guys and use them as a stepping stone, even in midair!
Wave Beam- They can run but they can't hide! This purple beam will shoot through surfaces to trigger switches and deal damage to out of reach enemies.
Plasma Beam- While the Wave Beam can shoot through solid surfaces, the Plasma Beam goes through enemies, causing mulitiple hits upon entry and exit. It's usually strong enough to eliminate any alien with one supercharged blast.
Hyper Beam- The "Holy Shit" beam. Destroy walls and slice through pirates like a hot chainsaw through warm butter. And you have your worst enemy to thank for it?
Energy Tank- Essential to survive the onslaught of aliens as you explore Zebes. Each adds 100 units of energy to your overall life meter. There's quite a few to find on your adventure, and you'll need most of them to withstand the punishment of vicious enemies and unforgiving bosses.
Reserve Tank- Four poorly conceived energy tanks that you can use to "reserve" life. Why not just give us four more regular energy tanks? You can either set them to refill your energy automatically when your health hits zero, or allow you to refill them manually. Why wouldn't you want it set to auto? Would anyone rather die than survive? These are sort of like futuristic versions of bottled fairies from the Legend of Zelda series.
Missile- Your regular beam not splattering alien guts fast enough? Switch over to missile attack to waste them a bit quicker. Five are required to open red doors, but you won't run out of them too quickly. Additional packs are found throughout Zebes and are the most plentiful items in the game.
Super Missile- These green tipped missiles are much stronger than the regular ones, travel faster, and are needed to open green doors. The explosion they cause is so strong that if it hits a surface, it'll cause the environment to rumble and can even knock wall and ceiling bound aliens off of their perches!
Power Bomb- These provide a blast that'll cover the area of the entire screen, battering enemies and walls alike. These are required to open up orange hatches. Unlike your regular bombs, there is a limited amount at your disposal. Don't abuse them, as there is a large time frame between when you find your first pack and subsequent ones. Oddly enough, the knock back is the same as from regular bombs. The power bombs also are the key to a couple of secret abilities unknown to many players. One is the ability to absorb the energy from power bombs and missiles to refill your energy when it gets to a certain low point. Another is to add a second unique attack to each separate beam, although none are particularly useful.

Tips
-Believe it or not, your upgraded beam is more powerful than missiles, especially on bosses. Keep in mind that you do not have to wait until the charge-up animation is at its largest before you can fire the beam in its most powerful form. You only need to hold it for about a second and a half before it's ready to go at full blast. Plus it has wider range than missiles and unlimited shots. Become a markswoman with your beam, the space bounty hunter's best friend.
-There are two false walls in Ridley's Hideout that even the X-Ray Scope won't detect.
-Unless you're hugging a strategy guide during your first play through, you'll probably only be able to unearth about 70% of the items by yourself. But worry not, for that is enough to successfully ruin the Space Pirates' plans.
-If you wish to go back through Zebes to search for remaining items after conquering the game, I advise you not to use the second save unit that sits just before the Mother Brain duel in Tourian. That is because there is a door that, upon passing through it, remains closed permanently, barring you from returning to the rest of the planet. Just use the first save unit that you find as soon as you enter Tourian, as this section isn't that long anyway.

Super Metroid is easier than Metroid and Metroid II, mostly due to a much more diverse environment and the presence of an in-game map. No longer will you get lost in similar looking corridors, making you wonder if your hand drawn map is disjointed. While you're transversing this world, you'll encounter many familiar creatures from Samus' first run through Zebes. You'll also meet the infamous Space Pirates for the first time, who have the appearance of humanoid mantises, and possess the ability to shoot plasma from their pincers. Some of them even had martial arts training. The music in the game sets the mood and helps draw you into the adventure, such as the ominous music as you march down the hall to Kraid's lair and the hellish chanting within the lava-flooded ruins of Chozo civilization that Ridley claimed for his hideout. An interesting feature is the ability to mix and match the many beams you gain to increase effects and firepower. Metroid II's Spider Ball sadly doesn't make an appearance, but it returns in Metroid Prime and magnetizes the Morph Ball so that you can climb up certain rails as opposed to any surface of the environment. Why didn't they just call it the Track Ball since its function is different? Since I'm asking questions, did anyone else have an SNES game pad with turbo capabilities and use it to help you cheat on the bomb climbing technique?

Unlike many of the great classic games in Nintendo's history, Super Metroid was only released to consumers twice: on the Super Nintendo for its debut and Nintendo Wii's Virtual Console. It never was put out for the Game Boy Advance or as an unlockable bonus within recent Metroid games. So the opportunity to relive this epic space trek is welcomed with open hands. So how did I perform when I revisited one of my most beloved gaming experiences? I completed my first mission in 5 1/2 hours with 90% inventory acquired, missing a reserve tank, a power bomb, and some missiles. I backtracked afterward and discovered much of the missing stuff within the quicksands of Maridia, as well as a well hidden item just before Kraid's hallway. I think during my first play through back in '94, I logged something like eight hours with around 70% weaponry found. After that, I purchased the official strategy book and used that to guide me on subsequent tours of Zebes, this time completing 100% with a lower time, allowing me to view the best ending. I would go on to play this game numerous other times, now able to nab all items in a bit over two hours by memory alone. It was fun each time and never got boring. Is that statement redundant? As for the reward for a perfect ending, if you thought Miss Aran looked sexy in her body-hugging Zero Suit, the outfit she's got on under her Power Suit in this game makes the newer one look conservative.

Some final lingering thoughts. As you abandon planet Zebes after the self-destruct mechanism activates, you are able to save the speed boosting Dachola and the trio of wall jumping Etecoons. But what about the helpers you meet in Maridia, like the hovering turtle, its offspring, and that tunneling droid that enabled you to get the Spring Ball? Sure they could injure you and didn't seem to be intentionally trying to aid you, but I still feel HORRIBLE about leaving them behind to get obliterated. At least I can take solace in the idea that their deaths were quick and painless, being vaporized in one twenty-fourth of a nanosecond in the megaton explosion that annihilates the planet.

There. I feel better.

And that's just the way it is.

Return of the Godot

2008-11-06T21:31:00.002-05:00

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney review
Phoenix Wright: Justice For All review
This review contains spoilers

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney- Trials & Tribulations is the third and final entry in the court drama series of games starring the only likable lawyer in the world. There are five cases this time around, as opposed to the four contained in each of its predecessors. That's keeping in mind that the fifth case in the first game was created as a bonus for its American/DS translation.
There are no new gameplay features introduced here, utilizing the mechanics used in Ace Attorney and Justice For All. Instead of reiterating my descriptions of features, tips, etc., just read my reviews of the previous games, the links provided up top. The difficulty of this game is considerably lessened, with your character dropping the player hints in what he personally feels you should pay particular attention to during court proceedings. In the previous two games, cases would take from one to three days to resolve, but here everything is wrapped up in one or two. That certainly doesn't mean these cases are shorter, as there are more witnesses and testimonies to go through this time.

Main Cast
Phoenix Wright- The spiky-haired defense attorney is back under your control as you guide him through three of his most trying trials yet. He's always prepared to give the finger to contradictions. The index finger, that is.
Mia Fey- Wasn't she killed off in the second case of the first game? Yes, but the elder Fey daughter still manages to capture more game time than living people, albeit it in flashbacks and spirit channelings. Now you get the opportunity to portray her and play out the first two cases of her storied attorney career.
Maya Fey- Wright's ever-present assistant, a spirit medium who is in line to be the next Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique. She isn't that bright, but will occasionally call your attention to details you might have missed otherwise.
Pearl Fey- The young cousin of Maya and guardian of the "romantic relationship" between Phoenix and Maya. She is a gifted spirit medium in her own right and will always jump at the chance to help her friends in their investigations.
Godot- The caffeine-fueled cyborg with an apparent grudge against Wright plays the part of your prosecuting nemesis in this game. Unknown to everyone, his mysterious history will tie all your lingering questions together.
Miles Edgeworth- The greatest prosecutor of the 21st century has returned home after spending much of the past year traveling abroad, studying the judicial systems of other countries. He was summoned to respond to an emergency that will see the player live out their dream of controlling the famed attorney... at least for a short while.
Dick Gumshoe- He's back and slower than ever. You can't set foot on a crime scene without bumping into this guy, who will do whatever he can to inform you of the situation at hand and provide some helpful clues to help you begin your investigation.
Larry Butz- The lovelorn childhood friend of Wright and Edgeworth returns to be the discarded banana peel on the path of enlightenment. If you can crack this nut you might actually find valuable testimony to help you clear your client's name.
Dahlia Hawthorne- A southern belle type straight out of A Streetcar Named Desire, Miss Hawthorne is a redhead whose smile could melt the sun. Alas, it's all a front to conceal her truly demonic soul. She'll capture your heart with her faux sweetness and stomp it into hamburger with her real attitude.

Case Previews
Turnabout Memories- This tutorial takes you back in time as you play as Mia Fey in her second court case ever. Your adviser is Max Grossberg, Mia's mentor whom you met in the second case of the original game. Your opponent is tutorial fodder Winston Payne, the so-called "rookie killer" who is normally the one getting killed by the rookies. The defendant is yet another familiar face, a college student named Phoenix Wright. The crime pinned on the young art major is that he killed his girlfriend's ex-boyfriend by electrocuting him with a snapped power line. Witness to this event is Dahlia Hawthorne, Phoenix's delicate and frail flower of a girlfriend. It's up to the future proprietor of Fey & Co. Law Offices to expose Miss Hawthorne as the evil witch she truly is. If only she wasn't hindered by her client, who does everything in his power to spare his true love of her fate.

The Stolen Turnabout- A museum is hosting an exhibit featuring the treasures of mystical Kurain Village. Maya and Peal Fey, residents of said village, drag Phoenix along to survey the display. It's soon discovered that the urn containing the ashes of Ami Fey, the originator of the Kurain Channeling Technique, has been stolen by the phantom thief known as Mask DeMasque. On the case is both Phoenix Wright and self-proclaimed Ace Detective Luke Atmey. But before the crime can be solved, the elusive criminal apparently turns himself in. To make things weirder, the wife of the confessor implores Phoenix to clear her husband's name! Can the Ace Attorney discover who exactly is under the mask of DeMasque? Even if he does... will that only lead his client into a much worse situation?

Recipe For Turnabout- Phoenix Wright faces a crushing defeat at the hands of Winston Payne?! Nobody can believe it, especially Phoenix himself, who didn't even know the event took place! After reading a magazine article about his supposed loss, the Ace Attorney realizes he has an impersonator out there who has the city fooled. Now he must not only clear his own name, but the name of the accused who he is being blamed for failing to save, one Maggey Byrde, former police officer, current waitress. She is charged with murdering a man who won big with a lottery ticket by poisoning his coffee so she could claim the fortune for herself. Phoenix convinces the judge to reopen the case so the real deal can have his turn at clearing his client's name, and it's up to him to find out who really tainted the coffee. Will this also lead him to discover who his inept doppelganger is?

Turnabout Beginnings- Join Mia Fey once more in her court debut and find out what happened here that caused her to abandon her career for an entire year. It's truly a day for the beginning of many Ace Attorney regulars, as it is also where Dick Gumshoe began his job as a detective, and Miles Edgeworth opposes Mia in his first official day as a prosecutor. What's more, Miss Fey meets the dastardly Dahlia Hawthorne here. By Mia's side to coach her is a man named Diego Armando, who strikes quite a similar appearance to a character players have become quite acquainted with during the course of this game.

Bridge to the Turnabout- The main event. Not only for this game, but the entire series as well. All unanswered questions regarding the Fey clan find their complicated answers. Maya Fey signs up for a channeling class at a training center up in the mountains, and she drags Phoenix and cousin Pearl along. There they meet a spiritual woman named Elise Deauxnim and nuns named Bikini and Iris, the latter of which Phoenix has never met before and yet believes he knows. At nightfall, Maya adjourns across a bridge to a small hut to train, and soon it's discovered that Elise has been murdered, with the sole eyewitness claiming it was perpetrated by Iris. Phoenix attempts to check up on Maya, but the bridge she is on the other side of is on fire. He tries to cross it and ends up falling into the river below, causing him to be hospitalized. Miles Edgeworth is summoned to substitute as defense attorney for Iris while Wright is out of commission. In turn, Edgeworth calls upon Franziska von Karma to serve as prosecutor. Thus begins a long and complex scenario where truths you never anticipated will be revealed during the final showdown between Phoenix and Godot.

Final Case Examination
What a trip Bridge to the Turnabout turned out to be. It told us what happened with Misty Fey after her disappearance and what Morgan Fey's revenge would be after she vowed it following her imprisonment in the second game. Then we were treated to the origins of the devilish Dahlia and mysterious Godot. It makes me wonder if the writers for this series had the entire "Fey Family Saga" script written out as they were working on the first game. Although the way things were eventually presented, I'm starting to think the characters of Dahlia, Iris, and Godot were created when the third game went into production, and then shoehorned into the Fey clan storyline, because there were zero allusions to them in prior games. If you couldn't tell, the Ace Attorney series writers are big on foreshadowing. The additions of the new characters in Trials and Tribulations only seemed to add unnecessary and often confusing elements to the flow of the last case. Let's list the major bullet points and see if your brain isn't oozing out of your ear canal after trying to make sense of it.
-Mia and Maya's long lost mother, Misty Fey, returns to the scene as Elise Deauxnim after seventeen years of being in hiding.
-Morgan Fey, mother of Pearl, aunt of Mia and Maya, and sister of Misty, is also the mother of Dahlia Hawthorne and Iris, who turn out to be twins.
-Morgan Fey, determined to make her nine-year-old daughter Pearl the new head of the Fey clan, wrote instructions for her daughter to channel the spirit of the late Dahlia Hawthorne so that she would murder Maya Fey, thus fulfilling Morgan's dream of her side of the family being in charge of the clan.
-Godot, who overheard the jailed Morgan Fey telling Pearl where to find the instructions, got to the documents first and read them over. He then returned the papers to where Pearl would eventually find them instead of discarding or editing them in order to avoid this entire catastrophe.
-Godot contacted the missing Misty Fey and told her of the plan that Morgan had concocted. They then planned on having Misty head to the mountain retreat and channel the spirit of Dahlia before Pearl could. I'm guessing Misty wanted to be the one to kill her daughter? Or not, as Godot planned on being on the mountain with her to kill her in case things got out of hand, a much better idea than restraining her during the channeling in order to prevent her from doing any harm.
-Maya reads an article in a magazine about this place in the mountains where she could hone her channeling powers. How Morgan knew this was going to happen is beyond logical explanation.
-Apparently, Morgan knew her daughter Dahlia was going to be executed for her crime of killing her ex-boyfriend, and wrote these plans before she herself was imprisoned. You see, Morgan planned on framing Maya for murdering a doctor in a channeling session gone wrong, so Maya would be the one to go to jail, leaving Pearl to be the new Master of the Kurain Channeling Technique. Of course, she never depended on Phoenix Wright to be there to save the day.
-Sister Iris loves her deranged sister so much that she helped frame Maya for the murder. She also helped plan her phony kidnapping years back. Then Iris, pretending to be Dahlia, hooked up with Phoenix to get a necklace back while her sister laid low. I sincerely hope that "Feenie" isn't considering hooking back up with Iris when she gets out of the pen, as she seems to have a severe lack of morals.
-The "corpse pendulum" idea is more ludicrous than the idea that the cape the Ringmaster was wearing would fly off his neck after getting bashed on the head with the bust of Maximillion Galactica and becoming affixed to that same bust, which would then cause Moe to think it was Max flying through the air as it was being lifted back up to Acro's room. This is in reference to the third case in the second game.
-Didn't they try to link this case with Recipe for Turnabout, after Phoenix mused on where Tigre Furio could have gotten his hands on potassium cyanide? Not to mention that that scenario played out in the same way as Godot's murder by Dahlia, with cyanide secretly being slipped into the victim's coffee?
-I'm sure there are some more plotholes I haven't figured out, but I'm sure you get my drift by now.

Pitting Edgeworth against Franziska was great. This built upon the hatred Franzisaka has for her "big little brother" Miles, who she believes is a disgrace to the von Karma name. So it was two students trained in the Manfred von Karma School of Prosecuting trying to defeat the other. Then to have Miss von Karma tag along with Phoenix for the rest of the day opened up some new questions, although these were only meant to be puzzled upon by fans of the series as opposed to furthering in-game story lines. At least, in this game anyway. I'd wager von Karma has developed a crush on her sworn enemy, most likely developed during her obsession with beating him in court during Justice For All. In the scene where Wright and Karma met up with Godot in the training room, the cyborg prosecutor insulted Franziska, likening her appearance to a horse, and instead of whipping her detractor, she whined to Phoenix in an effort to get him to stand up to him on her behalf. It's all reminiscent of a schoolyard crush, where one kid would tease another that he/she liked just to get that person to pay attention to them. Other points of interest is when Phoenix thought of Franny as being "cute", before she whipped the ensuing smile off his face. Don't forget the previous game, where Phoenix brought her flowers in the hospital, and the conclusion where Franziska held onto a card with a sketch of Wright on it, which was drawn by Maya, vowing to present it to him some day. Getting back to Franziska and Edgeworth, it seems that tensions between them lessened considerably during the final day of investigation, possibly stemming from the fact that they were working towards the same goal. I would wager they developed respect for each other. Now it appears that they are peaceful rivals, no longer wishing to "destroy" each other, instead figuring their future battles will be friendly competition. Either way, if you told me at the conclusion of the second game that the third one would end with Phoenix, Edgeworth, and Franziska willingly attending a celebration dinner together, I would have said you were kookier than the Butz.

Top 5 Minor Characters (exclusive to this game)
#5. Desiree DeLite- Eager for a life of action and adventure, Mrs. DeLite can often be seen speeding from mall to mall on her motorcycle while wearing her skintight racing suit. She always stands by her man, who won her heart by coming to her aid when she was under attack by a pair of muggers. No matter how much evidence mounted against Ron, she always believed in him. She would make an excellent sidekick for the recently reformed Mask DeMasque.
#4. Furio Tigre- The anti-Phoenix and most likely more tiger than man. One of the best parts about him is how he was able to fool so many people with his Wright impression, giving you an idea of how clueless the people in this game's world truly are. He's the most intimidating character you've met yet, who's vicious enough to send everyone ducking for cover when he roars. You just couldn't wait to get this guy on the witness stand in order to expose him for the low-life crook he is.
#3. Lisa Basil- Although your interactions with her are few, her plastic appearance leaves a lasting impression on you. Her cool blue character design and her "living computer" personality is one of a kind in this world. The Ace Attorney series takes place in the (not too distant) future, and a SciFi-looking person like her could come in handy in upcoming games.
#2. Ron DeLite/Mask DeMasque- It's amazing how he can make you want to strangle him into a lifeless limp at the start of the case and then make you want to pat him on the back at the end. He's extraordinary for his creativity in designing his alter-ego and the flawless executions of his heists. I guess it's somewhat admirable that he is so devoted to his lady that, upon losing his job, he would resort to stealing a priceless artifact in order to fund his wife's shopping sprees. After turning over a new leaf upon receiving a "not guilty" verdict, Ron has become a crime fighter.
#1. Luke Atmey- Zvarri! Probably the best minor character in the Ace Attorney series, even greater than Matt Engarde and Damon Gant. He has a classic villain design featuring an elongated nose, a magnifying glass acting as a monocle, a suit suited for the noblest of noblemen, a maniacal cackle, and a bizarre black and yellow hairstyle that couldn't possibly exist in real life. Quite reminiscent of a character out of an old school detective story. He even has his own theme music, a classical sounding suite you'd imagine plays on the old-fashioned phonograph in his office. Speaking of which, his office also has a fireplace, a looming portrait of himself, a book case full of scientific tomes, and an elaborate chemistry set. Luke probably had a privileged upbringing in high class society and an expensive education. Upon hearing it, Maya stole his catchphrase and often repeated it whenever she came upon a realization. I guess that will live on long after he does, sadly. It's an awful shame this will be his only appearance, as he is now imprisoned with charges of theft, blackmail, and murder. He just wanted love. I like this guy so much that if I were put in charge of assembling a cast for a Phoenix Wright anime, I would cast Luke as a regular. Zvarri!

Previously I mentioned that this is the last in the series of Ace Attorney games starring Phoenix Wright. This is true and misleading, as there is a fourth game in the series where Wright is replaced by a young up-and-comer named Apollo Justice. Even further down the line is a spin-off title featuring the Perfect Prosecutor himself, Miles Edgeworth.

Now for my final verdict on the judge. He's still the same old hair-brain, but I guess I can accept his blissful ignorance if he can. But guess what? HE HAS A YOUNGER BROTHER! Who is somehow Canadian.

ZVARRI!

I've Got A Blue/White Certificate

2008-06-02T17:47:00.000-04:00

Some news and notes concerning the TOP SECRET PROJECT I've been going on about.

-I've officially signed a contract with the company. I'm employed now, but I won't be earning money until we start making it.

-The domain name for what will become our official website is registered and waiting to be created, with both .com and .net addresses.

-My third largest contribution to the project, following story and character treatments, was devising summaries for ten episodes. I basically just think of the plot and which characters will play a major part of a particular episode. I figure these ten will comprise season one, and that it might be a good idea to have the pilot episode be a two parter. Part one: introduce the characters, part two: CONFLICT! I spent a good amount of time just pondering plots, and I initially came up with a lot more than ten. So I wrote all my ideas down, worked with them a bit, then separated them into a few season's worth. Each season will have a specific storyline to network them all together. They can all be enjoyed individually, but it'll be a much better experience for audiences to catch them in succession. And think of the convenience of picking up the season sets on DVD!

-Aside from the company president and myself, we also have an artist. He made a career as a conceptual designer, illustrator, and sculptor. Whether or not you've heard of his name, you'll surely know some of the stuff he's worked on. He's created props, models, toy molds, concept art, and more for television, theater, merchandise lines, and even museums. Not even for obscure clients either, he's worked for the big names on features everyone's heard of. But he's been tasked with the most difficult challenge of his career: taking my brainstorms and bringing them into the physical realm for all to see. I would love nothing more than to show off the artwork he created based on my descriptions, but that falls under the shush order we're all being held under. I just wanted to give an idea of the serious muscle involved here. Trust me, as soon as I'm given the green light, I'll finally be able to tell you what the hell I've been up to all this time. But don't expect the cover to be blown for many months, possibly not even until next year. We will probably wait until the show is picked up and put into production before I can talk in-depth about it.

-After showcasing our project to various large entertainment conglomerates, we are now waiting for them all to mull over the idea and hopefully decide to sign us on. I've seen the Power Point presentation that was used to sell the idea to company executives, and it contains a condensed version of the story, character art by our artist along with my descriptions, and a list of the unique gadgets I designed specifically for the show. It's excellent, and accounts I've heard from these people have been positive.

-Neatest of all, I am now a member of Writers Guild of America, West. Check out the certificate I got, with confidential information blacked out, of course.

These things are hard to come by, so I'll explain the requirements one has to fulfill. You have to gain a certain amount of "units" in order to qualify for membership, while are doled out based on the level of work you have contributed to in the entertainment writing field. I earned all 24 necessary units in one shot, since I created a "bible", or a long-term story projection, for a television series. Then there's the registration fee of $2,500, which was handled by my boss. So between my first paycheck and paying for the registration, this guy has invested a lot of faith and cash in me to help make his product a success.

-As if I didn't have enough confidence that things will work out, check out what I found inside of a fortune cookie.

The Chinese cookie vendors are very wise people. As a bonus, here is what was featured on the reverse side of the fortune.

The Epitaph is educational. Just don't go stealing my lucky numbers.

And that's just the way it is.

Big Loss, Major Gain

2008-04-14T15:04:00.001-04:00

The video game project I talked about getting hired for earlier has been canceled.

Instead, I'm now assigned to work on the TV show that grew from it. And I'll also be working for the company itself rather than the spin-off product. Pretty heavy stuff coming from nowhere and landing somewhere. The story and characters I created for the game will now be the focal point of the show's concept, although somewhat modified. So whether or not this show is a success, or if it even gets picked up for production, really rides on my shoulders. But I'm quite fortunate that my employer is business savvy and knows the proper way to build and promote his brand. Plus there's probably other talented folks under his umbrella that will ensure this plan pulls through.

As usual, I'm under a "gag order" so to speak, as it pertains to publicly discussing information about the project, but just to keep the world updated as to the going-ons in my life, I'll remain as vague as possible on the details of my work.

I can't claim that everything I wrote was originated by me. The president gave me a list of criteria that he wanted me to meet. After all, he is the one who came up with the whole project. He gave me the blueprint, hired me as the foreman, and I constructed the building to his specifications. How's that for an analogy?

Here's the short, but busy, list of concepts I have submitted.
Story- Where the protagonists and antagonists came from, the nature of their conflict, and where they'll be taking it.
Heroes and Villains- Eight pure hearts and sinister souls apiece will be butting heads. The heroes were relatively easy to create, as I thought up all eight in one night. The villains, however, were much tougher. We started out with four, adding more as the weeks progressed. Three of those were from my own mind. Naming them was the hardest task of all. No John Does in this bunch.
Accessories- A list of twenty-six (for now) "wonderful toys" the heroes will have at their disposal.

The president of the company will soon be meeting with some pretty high-profile companies to see who wants to take this project on. Phew. Basically, an unproven writer was hired to craft a salable television show. How often does that happen? Think of all the script writers in Hollywood slipping their scripts underneath the bathroom stall occupied by producers in hopes of being discovered. If the second major literary work in my career strikes gold, then 2008 and beyond will be a very big for James Gannon.

I've got all the confidence in the world that I'll make it.

And that's just the way it is.

Shmalentine's Day

2008-02-25T05:55:00.000-05:00

Some men CAN handle the pressure on Valentine's Day!

Ladies and gentlemen, lovers of all ages! The Epitaph proudly brings to you its guide to Valentine's Day!

A couple of weeks ago my local newspaper ran a column by one of its regular journalists that ticked me off enough to comment about it. Perhaps you have someone like him who writes for your daily rag in your neck of the woods. But even if you don't, you'll probably recognize the material. His normal columns are like the blueprint of a cliche sitcom where the man is an out of touch moron, his wife is the intelligent cynic, and their children are the products of the modern society that frightens and confuses the father. We get it, today's world is lunacy and your generation was a better, simpler time. All men are clueless meat heads and women are clever manipulators. But I will hand it to him, he's at his best when he's discussing the peculiarities of Rhode Island, his most common subject matter.

Last Valentine's Day, the writer published a column that could have been the script of the aforementioned sitcom's traditional and predictable V-Day episode. He started off badly by titling his piece "Men just can't handle the pressure on Valentine's Day". Not some men, not most men, but MEN. That's all inclusive. Maybe you can't handle the "pressure", don't try to cast me in a bad light as well. I'm not afraid of Valentine's Day. Let's dissect some key points in his article.
-Valentine's Day is a plot by women? All females concocted this plan just to see their male counterparts "suffer"? Maybe this column is satire. No one could truly believe this. Okay, let's say V-Day is in fact an evil plot by the women-folk. Maybe it's true significance is to separate the men from the boys. The vertebrates from the invertebrates.
-He is right when he states that V-Day is a money-making holiday for candy and card companies. The same can be said for Easter, X-Mas, and to an even lesser extent, Halloween. But whose fault is it for being a consumer whore? Keep in mind that this is not a birthday or X-Mas where you max out your credit card. Not that you should do that anyway. The only time you should be saving up your cash for weeks in order to buy her a single piece of jewelry is when you're ready to enter that holy sanctimony of marriage. If she demands you to empty a diamond mine every year, drop her early. Remember when you were a single guy? What was the term for a woman who demands constant reward for no reason other than being with you? Gold digger. You're not supposed to marry those.
-Many women would not appreciate it if you made a public spectacle of your affection for her.
-"Don't get me anything" translates to "Not only do you have to get me something, but it has to be excessive"? On what planet? Did you marry an extraterrestrial that doesn't grasp our language? If your wife tells you she wants nothing, or not to go all out for a gift, here's some helpful hints, from me to you. Buy her the traditional holiday fare of candy, flowers, and card. Or take her out to a nice restaurant. Say "I love you", mean it, and prove it. If your wife will tell you that she doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day, and then you honor her wish or, out of the goodness of your heart, buy her a little something just to show that you care... and then she puts you in the proverbial dog house because it isn't what she wants... trust me, serve up those divorce papers now. She either isn't happy with you anymore, or just can't be pleased, is miserable, and likes to spread her misery. You'll be much happier giving her half your net worth than spending the rest of your life in fear of this woman. I can not imagine the evil creature you're married to who will get mad at you for not breaking the bank on a gift for her after asking for nothing. Love is supposed to be shown, not purchased. I'm sorry you're either married to a woman that can't be pleased, or your wife married a man who doesn't know how to please her.
-Why do women need so many purses? Is this an original musing, such as wondering why women need so many shoes?
-Okay, I laughed when the writer and his brother recalled previous V-Days when they got their wives crappy gifts. Their ineptitude amuses me. Do they not get this holiday? Get a gift that shows love, not one that will help with the wife's chores. Unless they specifically ask for it.
-A woman has every right to treat their husband like a brainless goon if they can't handle or even understand Valentine's Day.
-The only part of the column I agree with is when the writer's wife told him "You're a weak excuse for a husband, and I don't know why I married you". You got her a fuckin' oven mitt for Valentine's Day. Not only that, you just admitted such to the entire state. Maybe the true reason why she asks for nothing is because she knows you can't handle it. Does she ask for nothing on her birthday and X-Mas too?

I wonder if your wife reads your column. She now knows that you are clueless when it comes to her interests. Then again, she probably already knew.

What the hell is wrong with you if you dread buying her a gift? How long have you known this woman and you don't know her wants? If you need a hint, ASK HER! I've bought romantic gifts for a lady-friend who didn't know she was going to receive anything from me. You know what? I had a fun time doing it, because I actually like to put a smile on the face of a girl I'm into. I didn't feel forced or intimidated. And guess what happened? She liked my surprise gifts so much, she proclaimed that I should be her official shopper. You see, I'm not even married to her, and yet I "get her". I know what she likes, and there was, at no time, the desire to pull my hair out in frustration over what to purchase. V-Day helped build affection, not destroy it.

"Ah, but James," you all say, "you're single and never married, you couldn't possibly know what it's like to go through what I do on the days leading up to Valentine's Day!" That may be true, but let me share a fun little fact with you all. I have parents. And I was lucky enough to grow up with them. That means I've been around to witness many a V-Day between a married couple. So what gifts do my mother and father exchange every year on February 14th? What bank-busting presents did they give that they spent weeks pondering over buying for their significant other in order to keep the marriage peaceful? Candy and cards. That's all. There was no anger, silent treatment, or remarks such as "is this all I'm worth to you?" Instead, they thanked each other and went about their happy union. Ya know why? Because my parents actually love each other, not the material rewards they thrust upon the other. The only disagreements they ever have with each other revolves around my mother's unrelentless purchasing of decorations.

Finally, unhappy men in relationships, if your partner insists you splurge on them for Valentine's Day, then let them know about Steak and a Blowjob Day.

And that's just the way it is.

Von Karma Strikes Back

2008-02-12T19:58:00.003-05:00

If you are unfamiliar with the Phoenix Wright games, it is recommended you read this Epitaph first.

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney- Justice For All is the second entry in the Phoenix Wright trilogy of games. It contains four new dramatic and humorous cases. It plays similar to the first one with a few new gameplay elements thrown in to improve the experience. There are many references to the events of the previous entry, although the game won't be rendered unplayable if you don't have any prior knowledge. But much like when starting any series, it's highly recommended that you start at the beginning.

Like Ace Attorney before it, Justice For All is rated T for Teen, as it contains blood, mild violence, and suggestive themes. Although there's no citation for language this time, despite the presence of such words as "dammit" and "crappy". Then again, Capcom slipped the D word into MegaMan 7's original SNES release and didn't suffer for it. Or did they, for it was changed to "darn" when rereleased in the Anniversary Collection. Back on topic, the blood warning comes from the fact that, once again, Phoenix is saddled with nothing but murder cases. Can't the guy ever get to defend a petty thief, where the repercussions won't be as severe? Mild violence should be obvious because the scene of the murders is described in detail. As for suggestive themes? Let's just say that a couple of characters have rather "inappropriate" reactions to the weapon of choice used by the new prosecutor.

New Features
Patience Bar- The first title allowed you five errors in court before ending your game. This time you get a meter that depletes a certain amount depending on the seriousness of your mistake. This allows you a little more headway if you screw up, although certain bad decisions can cost you your entire meter.
Psyche Lock- Sort of like contradicting witness testimonies in court, except you do it during the investigation. Present evidence to break apart people's attempts to shield hidden truths. The patience bar will deplete for every wrong move you make, but having it emptied will not result in a game over, just an end to the interrogation. You can also stop in the middle of questioning if you feel you don't have the proper evidence to proceed. If you fail to complete the process, you will have to start all over again. Quite a pain if you have no patience bar left, forcing you to go through the entire thing in one shot. However, successfully breaking all the locks will refill the patience bar by fifty percent.
Character Identity Evidence- Now you get to present profiles of people involved with the case as evidence. You'll often be asked questions regarding a "who" rather than just a "what" this time around. Mostly as the answer to: "If the defendant isn't the murderer, THEN WHO IS?!"

Main Cast
Phoenix Wright- The cunning attorney is back and can't seem to catch a break. He has a knack for snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, although he'll need a little help from his friends (and you).
Maya Fey- Phoenix's partner in justice. Her nosiness often helps Wright find vital clues at the crime scene. She is a spirit medium who can often call upon help from "the other side".
Pearl Fey- Maya's eight-year-old cousin who is a prodigy in spirit channeling. She'll lend Phoenix support while her cousin is busy with her "misfortunes".
Franziska Von Karma- The nineteen-year-old daughter of prosecuting demon Manfred Von Karma comes to America to get revenge on Mr. Phoenix Wright. But it may not be for the reason you'd think. Her two trademarks are her untouchable winning streak and the whip she cracks in court.
Dick Gumshoe- The slow-witted detective who is always first at the crime scene. He'll often give you valuable help during the investigation, much to the chagrin of the prosecutor's office.
Mia Fey- Your deceased mentor and Maya's sister. She'll usually be by your side in court proceedings to set you on the winning path, utilizing the bodies of her relatives.
Lotta Hart- The human camera from America's heartland returns with a recurring role. Lotta always seems to be around at the right (wrong?) time, and her snapshots always find their way into the court record. And herself onto the witness stand.
Miles Edgeworth- After a year of seclusion, the star prosecutor returns after discovering not only himself, but what his profession truly means. Is he on the side of Wright or wrong?

In addition to these, many new characters will play a part in the various cases, including a few familiar faces from the preceding game.

Case Previews
The Lost Turnabout- The tutorial, but much longer and tougher than the one in the first game. While napping in the court lounge, Phoenix is hit over the head and incurs temporary amnesia. Not good since he has a trial to tend to!
Reunion, and Turnabout- Visit Kurain Village, Maya's home and training ground. You stop for a visit while Maya tries to channel a spirit for a doctor wanting to question a deceased nurse. But something horribly unexpected occurs that lands Maya in hot water.
Turnabout Big Top- Who ever would have thought the circus would play host to a murder mystery? When the lights permanently go out for the Ringmaster, the world's greatest magician is fingered as the culprit. While trying to clear his name, you'll meet all the colorful characters of the Berry Big Circus, who will turn the court house into the Greatest Show on Earth when they're brought in as witnesses!
Farewell, My Turnabout- The lavish Gatewater Hotel hosts the yearly Grand Prix awards, a show that honors the top entertainers in the world. The Nickel Samurai gains top honors, but when his rival The Jammin' Ninja is murdered, his prize is an all expense paid trip to the detention center. This case contains many twists and turns, including one that WILL make your jaw drop. As well as a life-altering decision where you will be forced to choose between your heart and justice.

Is there anyone that can tell me why each case in the Phoenix Wright series contains the word "turnabout?"

Tips
-SAVE OFTEN! Especially when you're about to make a decision where your patience bar is at stake, such as attempting to break through Psyche Locks or presenting a piece of evidence in court. Like the game before it, the correct choice can often be vague, and too many mistakes will force you to start over from that particular segment of the case. And also like the first, there is much text to read, and you probably won't be able to tolerate going through it too many times.
-Don't bother trying to break Psyche Locks when you first encounter them. You'll usually have to do a bit more digging around before you find the required "keys" to unlock them.

And that's just the way it is.

Animal Forest Crosses Over to the Big Screen

2008-02-11T21:58:00.001-05:00

I heard the news on a game site quite a few months back, found it interesting, but thought nothing else of it. That's because it was related to a game to film adaptation that would probably never be viewed outside of Japan, aside from importing. But after browsing YouTube a couple weeks back, I inadvertently stumbled upon the film, kindly pirated and uploaded to the service by a fan. WITH subtitles. I figured I wouldn't be able to see this movie any other way, so I put my conscience in my pocket and proceeded to watch Animal Forest: The Movie. That's Animal Crossing for all you English speaking fans. And if that's the name you know it as, you probably won't understand the movie's official web site.

Animal Crossing would take a whole other blog entry to describe, so I'll give the basics. Unlike traditional games that have an ending to work towards, A.C. is a sandbox experience. That means you can pretty much do what you want with the several tasks within the game, and it continues indefinitely. It's like The Sims in that regard. You play the part of a human who moves into a forest with various anthropomorphic animals. You interact with them, do chores for them, find a large catalog of items to decorate your own house and present as gifts to other animals, earn money to expand your dwelling, catch fish and bugs, and numerous other objectives.

The series began its life on the Nintendo 64 console in Japan. It was planned for release in North America, but they decided to hold off and bring it to our Gamecubes instead. The game is digital crack. I played just about every day for months. At least, it seemed like that long. A sequel was put out for Nintendo DS, while a third incarnation of the franchise is planned for release on the Wii. It's online capabilities are being heavily touted, but I hope they decide to give it a graphical upgrade as well. I'm no graphics whore, but we've had two generations of game systems pass since its first inception, and 64 bit graphics leave much to be desired on current consoles.

The movie is based mostly upon the second Animal Crossing game, subtitled Wild World. Just about every job animal and traveler make an appearance, as well as the buildings they work in. You'll see my personal favorites Crazy Redd and Lyle, as well as Brewster and his coffee shop The Roost, located in the museum as always. Also seen in the museum are the dinosaur fossils that can be obtained in the game itself. The characters also behave the same as their digital counterparts with their unique personality quirks. Blathers prattles on and on about historical facts, Resetti blows his gasket, and Tom Nook is a major douchebag. And you haven't seen anything until you witness old Mayor Tortimer running along the beach with a surfboard. But best of all, my favorite villager from the first Animal Crossing game made the cut... Hopper the Penguin.

Not only are the setting and characters related to the game, but the look, features, and mechanics find their way into the flick in one way or another. The filmmakers went all out and paid special attention to detail. The designs on the trees, hell, even what's growing on the trees themselves! Tom Nook's shop is littered with the various odd items that can be collected throughout the game. You'll definitely recognize the background music. There's changing seasons and festivals. Bug catching, fishing, and digging, along with the usual bounty of those activities. Numerous shirts and all those crazy accessories that could be purchased from the Able Sisters shop. Designing outfits that become so popular that everyone in town starts to wear them. You know those symbols that would pop over a character's head to reflect their feelings? Happens here, too. Even the damn stationary made it in. And believe it or not, there's the hardship of a beloved villager moving away. There's even more that I chose not to mention. K.K. Slider also shows up for a performance. He has a normal speaking voice, but when he sings, it's still in the indeciphrable language from the games. But translated with subtitles. Fucking Awesome. It's as if they made a list of all the game's contents and said "THAT'S THE SCRIPT!"

It's neat to see the movie populated with villagers that the viewer themselves probably acquainted themselves with from the game. When I heard the name "Apollo", I immediately remembered him as the grumpy bald eagle before he even came on-screen. Speaking of which, I decided to boot up my copy of Wild World after watching this, just to see how my village looks after me being absent for more than a year. And yes, Apollo is still living there. All my PRECIOUS HYBRID FLOWERS have died off because I neglected watering them, and weeds have taken over the town.

The Animal Crossing/Forest games are a big success in America as well as Japan. I think Nintendo should have taken a gamble and brought the movie stateside like it did for the Pokemon films. Although the plot of this movie is geared towards a younger audience, I recommend anyone who's ever been addicted to this game, even older folks such as myself, to check it out at least once. You'll get a kick out of how faithful it is to its source.

This adaptation was handled directly opposite of how The Super Mario Bros. movie was done. While Animal Crossing's movie world is an animated replica of the game's, the Mario movie took so many liberties with the source material that it turned into an "In Name Only" flick. This should be required viewing for any director looking to handle a game to movie project. Pay the fuck attention, Uwe Boll.

And that's just the way it is.

Game Character Development

2008-02-11T18:10:00.001-05:00

Gamers creating their own characters in games is nothing new. Capcom would sponsor contests in video game magazines that allowed readers to design and submit new Robot Masters for the MegaMan series. Wrestling games allow players to build their own dream athlete, customizing everything from their physical appearance to their repertoire of holds. Can't forget about Will Wright's runaway success called The Sims, allowing you to create tiny replicas of yourself and your friends and control every aspect of their digital lives. And most recently, Nintendo DS (Wii version forthcoming) played host to Drawn To Life, an innovative game where players take on the role of "The Creator" and use their styluses to draw not only their game character, but weapons and platforms as well. Before a few weeks ago, the preceding examples were some of the many outlets I had in making my own video game characters. With all that in mind, try to imagine being granted the position of creating game characters that will be built into the game itself for the whole world to enjoy.

I've already discussed being drafted to work on a still-under-wraps video game, and that my first assignment was to write a story that would help sell people on the idea of running with it. With that taken care of, and thankfully well received, I was asked to develop characters for the game that would be marketable. I had to make eight of them, down from the original number of twenty. You see, twenty was the first number thrown around because it was understood that the only difference each character would have is a certain ability the player could utilize to help them beat the game. But then it was decided to give the characters character. And it would be far easier to develop eight rather than that number plus twelve. Which means less bodies for you guys to keep tabs on.

One of the major guidelines for creating this cast was that we wanted them to have different ethnicities and nationalities so that everyone would be able to identify with at least one. Then there was our first idea of giving them their own unique abilities for gameplay reasons. I took five days to create those eight major characters. As I said before, these are not going to be throw-aways who will only be seen in one game. We're talking the possibility of merchandising here. There are profits that could be riding on my shoulders. So after creating them, I sat with them awhile to see if I was comfortable with presenting them as the figureheads of this project. I really felt they would be worthy, so I submitted them to the game's mastermind for approval, and he accepted them.

Here's the list of traits I used to construct the characters.
Name- Important for more reasons than to just keep us from referring to everyone as "that guy". A good name will help you remember the character more, plus it adds a degree of likability. For example, do you think Sonic the Hedgehog would have become a video game icon if he were called Zippy instead? He could have been put into the same great games, but there's just something more appealing about "Sonic" than "Zippy". Anyway, since this project called for a cast with different ethnicities and nationalities, I found a site that had listings of names from cultures all over the world. This helped me in finding names unique to each world region.
Ethnicity/Nationality- All ethnic groups are represented, and I chose the most diverse nationalities as the foundation of the character personas. If I left out yours, I apologize.
Expertise- These characters will have to do more than stand around and blink, they got to get out there and give you an enjoyable game experience with their talents! Each one is special and you will have to capitalize on each individual's strengths to get you through the game.
Description- This explains what each character is all about, such as their role and their personality. Some of their attitudes are even based on what their major skill is. I even figured how they may get along with each other, creating strong friendships and shaky ties.
Outfit- We're looking to keep this game from receiving the much feared Adults Only (AO) rating, so we have to put clothes on them. I made them some threads that would match up well with the three previous traits I discussed.
Hair- I chose varying hair styles to top our characters off with; no one shares the same type of mop. Hmmm... I guess I was wrong. I failed to create at least one character for an oft-neglected group of our society to identify with: bald people.

I even went as far as sketching how the main characters would look and based the outfit and hair descriptions off what I came up with. That's probably a major reason why I continue to draw to this very day instead of sticking completely to the writing process. It just helps me relate to the character more if I can give them form.

I've already birthed quite a large cast of characters for my own stories, so creating a brand new roster was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And consider the fact that I was making them for someone else's approval. A daunting task to be sure but I think I nailed it. So now that I've got the story and game characters down, what's next?

Main Page Revamp

2008-02-02T21:55:00.001-05:00

For those of you who stop by to James-Gannon.com regularly... oh wait, my psychiatrist warned me about talking to imaginary people. Let me start again... for those of you who accidentally stumble upon my my art gallery's tribute exhibit during your Google image searches for Shadow the Hedgehog pictures, I have made a few changes to my site, each with varying degrees of importance.

The first and most major change is obvious as soon as you click that link I created in the first paragraph. The buttons I created to lead you to each page are gone, instead replaced with a table that shows a text link with the last two updates (three at first) to that particular page directly to its right. Before, I had a bunch of graphics huddled together, with a long list of updates piling up beneath them. I wasn't too sure if everyone would have noticed or paid any attention to them upon visiting my site for the first time, this time you have no excuse. Keeps the front page clean too, instead of having a large listing of updates dating all the way back to early 2007. This sort of reminds me of my days using AOL Press in the mid-90's when I had a similar setup for my role-play wrestling game. I wasn't just a wrestler, I was also a promoter. BACK TO THE PRESENT. For cosmetic purposes, I added yet another Lady Demon original graphic for the background. The cold, icy strip beside a stone gray layout fits the atmosphere of my site perfectly. I remember before I even created this site two years ago, the first thing I envisioned for main page navigation were hand drawn buttons. Yep, it was good for a while, but then I mulled it over recently and decided that the way it is now would be much more convenient.

As for those drawings I "scrapped", they will now be resized and utilized as decorations elsewhere in the site. I've already placed the tombstone used as the button for The Epitaph on the blog itself. As a matter of fact, most of the graphics will be placed on the pages they were originally created to lead you to. But first I will rescan them so I can have them appear bigger. But I'm not going to waste my time clearing out the dead space around them this time, I only have MS Paint to edit pictures with.

Second update: new site-wide navigational system. I figured if all page links were accessible from whatever part of the side you were on (except when viewing the web comic or blog) it would encourage visitors who enter from one page to give others a look as well. I've noticed that very few outsiders discover my site from the main page, and their stays are not long ones. I guess that single home link I would place on the bottom of every page wasn't up to task. Sorry little mausoleum graphic, you're getting a job transfer.

Minor third update. I put in dividers on my art gallery and cast pages. The images there started to collapse on each other and get mixed up with different texts. The dividers help separate and keep them in line.

Fourth and most insignificant update. I didn't like the idea of having the word "gallery" used twice in the art section of my site. The whole thing is called the "Art Gallery", then there was a subsection called "Tributes Gallery". So I subbed the second word for a new one. I already used Wing and Collection, and what other word could be used to describe a part of an art museum? Exhibit, you fools! That's why I'm a writer and you're not! What works have I had published, you ask? Okay, I'll shut up.

And that's just the way it is.

Dream Girls

2008-01-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

I know I'm not the only one who dreams of girls who are off limits. I've dreamed of Stephi plenty of times (and told her so because I have no shame). But I raise the issue now because, for the past five days, I had dreams of a different woman each night. And they're all dreams I can recall even a while after having them. I'll bet you all would agree that it's hard to recall vivid details of dreams after waking up.

The first night, I dreamed of a slender blonde beauty who always dresses in black despite being a Light Spirit. I didn't work directly with her, but I've crossed her path often at my last job. We weren't what you would call "friends", but we peacefully co-existed nonetheless. Which is why I can't figure out why she took center stage in one of my dreams. Within that dream, she seemed to be crazy over me, and she talked with a very seductive tone. We were at a party that seemed to be set in my grandfather's old house for some unknown reason (it was a dream, remember) and we sought refuge in a bathroom in order to have alone time. I won't go in to too much detail on what happened there, but she seemed to have a sudden dislike in my pants in that she wanted to get them off me. And there was also a shower scene. Sorry, too much information.

Second night. I found myself in the past at my old school bus stop in front of the fire station. Two girls, one being my second biggest real-life crush (we'll call her Em), and a friend of hers who I used to also associate with (who we'll call Tee), were also there. Just like now, I was not on speaking terms with this crush. Then the "bus" comes, a large, square-shaped vehicle that could only exist in the dream world. The bus' interior had chairs in the middle and padded ones lining the sides. I occupied one of the cushy seats, and Tee sits two chairs away from me. She has the intention of getting Em to sit between us. But other kids are piling onto the bus and one girl takes the seat. Then Em arrives, and both her and Tee argue with the bitch and demand that she get her ass to another seat. So she does, and Em takes her "rightful" place. Without even sharing any words, Em and I begin to play the flirty "I'm tired, can I rest my head on your shoulder?" game, alternating with each other. We even have our heads together at one point. While my old crush's appearance is different now, she had a look I was more familiar with from years past in this dream. You try to forget old relationships and then your mind has to pull crap like this.

Third night starred a beauty I'm sure many are familiar with. None other than 2008 Australian Open tennis champion Maria Sharapova. While it isn't out of the ordinary for one to fantasize about being with the young Russian tennis babe, she was way out of character here. The good news is that she was interested in me, the bad news is that she wasn't that bright, and prone to fits of crying whenever she did something to make her realize that fact. I guess she was overly frustrated. But in good boyfriend fashion, I was there to comfort and reassure her. Wouldn't you? I also vaguely recall driving another "dream exclusive" vehicle that was so big I couldn't even go under underpasses. Hmmm... "under underpasses". Can I say that?

Dream four. There's a Dark Spirit who works at a record store I frequent often who's "hide in a corner of the store so I can steal glances at her without her noticing" hot. She's been there for as long as I've been visiting, which has been years. I always look out for her as soon as I enter. Oh yeah, the dream. One night, I enter the record store, and all seems normal. But then the next day when I go there, it underwent a slight change. It was gutted and transformed into a beauty salon, and the girl was the owner. And the only one who worked there. Very odd indeed. Now that I think about it, she also made appearances in other dreams as a worker in variations of the same store.

Last night's dream featured another slim blonde babe. Famous for her appearances in World Wrestling Entertainment and Dancing With the Stars... and a cameo in Bubble Boy... none other than Stacy Keibler. A lady known mostly for her exquisite legs, but it's not like the rest of her isn't worthy of equal attention. I mostly remember us meeting, and in a bizarre twist, me offering her my autograph. She didn't turn it down, for what it's worth. But the pen I was using to sign paper was very strange. I would try to write "To Stacy Keibler", but for whatever reason, the letters came out so big it covered the entire paper. No room to write "From James Gannon" on it. So I would try another sheet, but same results. I went through a lot of paper, and to her credit, Stacy was very patient. I guess she really wanted a no name writer's autograph. I think I did finally manage to get what I wanted written down with that "dream pen".

Five nights in a row, five different girls. That's business as usual for "players", but these encounters were only in my mind. If I my slate of luck continues for six nights or more, I'll alter this entry to include them. Until then, have pleasant dreams. I know I will.

And that's just the way it is.

The Mechakaiju War

2008-01-27T05:31:00.001-05:00

Every kaijuphile's dream almost comes true in Marc Cerasini's fourth and final book in his Godzilla series. I'm sure we all fantasized about the ginormous tussle that would take place if Toho's stable of robot monsters were to come together in one story. While budget constraints may have prevented Toho from realizing this dream, it's no extra cost to include many complex kaiju in a book. Unless you count licensing fees. Godzilla vs. The Robot Monsters employs Mechagodzilla, MOGUERA, and Mecha-King Ghidorah, each metal monstrosity controlled by a different nation for their own purposes. Throw in Godzilla, Anguirus, and a couple others, and you have the makings of a man vs. nature epic unlike any kaiju story before it. But something went wrong.
While Godzilla at World's End was awesome because it had one great plot, Robot Monsters takes a hit because of the problem that plagued Godzilla 2000: One too many storylines going on at once. Although the problem wasn't as bad as 2000's, plus most of the storylines eventually combined with the main one. So while it starts out in branches, it heads to the same path.
This book contains forty pages less than the previous one and offers one less kaiju. Well, technically two, since I consider Ghidorah and Mecha-Ghidorah to be one.

Kaiju Cast
Godzilla- After clawing out of the earth from an active volcano, Godzilla returns home to Japan to defend his turf from a "new" foe.
Mecha-King Ghidorah- The extraterrestrial terror is revived and suited with mechanical components. Now a cyborg under control of a ruthless Mongolian warlord, the tri-headed dragon is more evil than ever.
Anguirus- Russia's own kaiju threat, this time the spiked beast takes on the role of destructor rather than savior.
Baragon- Awakened by an underground mine blast, this dinosaur-like kaiju has a monster-sized hunger that seemingly can't be satisfied. With a glowing horn and incredible jumping and burrowing abilities, this mythical beast terrorizes an Indian reservation.
Mechagodzilla- A robotic double of the King of the Monsters, developed jointly by America and Japan. This super-weapon is operated via mind control for top maneuverability.
MOGUERA- Mobile Operation Godzilla Universal Expert Robot Aero-type. A mechanical monster built by the Russians for defending their homeland.
Fire Rodan- Mutated pteranodon with the ability to fly at Mach 1.5. Suspiciously fertile.

Story
The story begins a year after King Ghidorah's defeat at Godzilla's hands. Apparently, he was too battered to survive, especially since he lost his middle head. It's unknown how he did manage to live for twelve months, and where he spent this time, but he crash lands in Mongolia in a comatose state. On cue, a brutal Mongolian tyrant and his troops appear and claim the fallen space monster. Meanwhile, a weakened Godzilla wanders beneath the Earth's crust following his duel with Biollante in the previous book. While looking for a way out, he collapses in a river of lava and would surely have perished if he didn't flow into an underground chamber rich with radioactive ore.
A Russian oil drilling station in the Caspian Sea draws the attention of Anguirus, who plows through the naval defense force before wiping out the structure itself. This prompts the Russian government to launch their kaiju-like war machine MOGUERA ahead of schedule. Their intention is to capture him alive in a containment facility to symbolize the power of the new Russia.
While MOGUERA is given a few test runs through an obstacle course in preparation, another mech is being built in a Mongolian robot factory. In the three years since the remains of King Ghidorah is seized, he was slowly being turned into a cyborg. The intention is to use a young girl to link her mind with the gold dragon's in order to control it. But there are difficulties, as the free-willed monster snaps out of its electronically induced trance and nearly trashes the facility. A few lives are lost before its half-conscious state is restored.
Anguirus climbs out of the Caspian Sea after being attracted by the sounds of a pumping oil field. It was merely a trap to draw the spiky shelled dinosaur into battle with MOGUERA. The two monstrosities begin to grapple, with the flesh and bone kaiju overwhelming his metal attacker. After being stunned by electricity-based mazer attacks and falling over after destroying a tower, Anguirus is finally injected with a sedative by MOGUERA, which quickly takes effect and puts the aggressive creature to sleep.
A volcano on the island of Krakatau explodes, unleashing the King of the Monsters to the surface of the Earth once more. When he heads into the water, he is immediately tailed by a French warship, the captain of which was inadvertently responsible for waking Godzilla about a decade earlier. After difficulties in getting Godzilla at the proper distance in order to safely launch their nuclear payload, the radioactive dinosaur creeps upon the ship and smashes it like a brittle piece of Styrofoam.
The unconscious Anguirus is tied to giant helium balloons and transported towards the containment facility by helicopters. But while flying over the city of Moscow, terrorists fire rockets at the airborne supports, taking out enough of them to send the quadrupedal lizard plummeting to the busy capital below.
On an Indian reservation in Montana, an explosion in a uranium mine disturbs the rest of the prehistoric kaiju known as Baragon. After such a long hibernation period, he begins to seek out food to satisfy his hunger, terrorizing animals and humans alike.
Fire Rodan is spotted flying towards U.S. soil from the Atlantic Ocean, taking out a naval destroyer on the way. He eventually heads to Pittsburgh, landing in a baseball stadium and causing many casualties among spectators and ballplayers. He eventually decides upon a peak in the Appalachian mountains to build a new nest.
Now awake, Anguirus starts to tear Moscow up while Russian military units try to lead it toward the prepared containment unit. They are successful, and MOGUERA shows up to put him down once more and lock him up at last.
When the Chinese military starts to strike the border of Mongolia, Mecha-King Ghidorah appears and easily devastates the whole of them. The Mongolian warlord decides that his super cyborg has the ability to conquer the world, and begins by attacking Beijing.
In the town of Denning, the medicine man of the Blackfoot Indian tribe stands up to Baragon. Using the magic arts possessed by his ancestors, he strikes the large lizard with a concentrated bolt of lightning from the heavens above, sending the monster into retreat. But Baragon's troubles are only beginning when Mechagodzilla confronts him. Despite a valiant effort to take the heavy robot down with bites and leaps, the mutated dinosaur is injected with shock cables and zapped with millions of volts of electricity. Unable to overcome the King of Robot Monsters, Baragon escapes by burrowing miles into the Earth from whence it came.
The Mongolian dictator declares war on Japan, prompting Mechagodzilla and MOGUERA to fly to Tokyo to fight off the cyborg kaiju as a team. When Mecha-King Ghidorah finally arrives, it's an all-out war of colliding metal and searing beams. The phenomenally powerful Ghidorah fights off his enemies very well... until Godzilla, who has finally returned "home", joins the battle. The kaiju king resumes his battle with Ghidorah, this time in the capital of Japan instead of America. But to the surprise of all, MOGUERA turns its attack towards the newcomer and fires injection needles into Godzilla's flesh, pumping him full of a powerful toxin. It turns out the Russian Colonel, who commandeered the controls from the main MOGUERA crew, has killing off the King of the Monsters as his top priority. But the battle is far from over as Godzilla overtakes the traitorous robot, pinning it against a building and tearing it to pieces with his claws and radioactive fire. As this happens, Mechagodzilla is getting trampled by Mecha-King Ghidorah, but the distracted Mongolian machine is eventually knocked down by Godzilla. With his powerful foe down, the nuclear dinosaur starts to tear him to bits as well, as the uprighted Mechagodzilla chips in with a barrage of explosives. In a last ditch effort, Mecha-King Ghidorah breaks away and flies towards the Sea of Japan. The young girl who piloted the three-headed cyborg finally comes to her senses and crashes her vessel into the flagship that housed the Mongolian dictator, taking him out, as well as herself and King Ghidorah once and for all.

Analysis
There seemed to be no less than six storylines going on at the same time, although equal time was certainly not devoted to all of them: Godzilla's return. Rodan reproducing. Ghidorah's revival. Baragon grazing. Anguirus and MOGUERA's feud. Mechagodzilla's controller impatient about finally getting to control Mechagodzilla. The only monster battles in the entire book are Anguirus vs. MOGUERA, Baragon vs. Mechagodzilla, and Mecha-King Ghidorah vs. Mechagodzilla, MOGUERA, and Godzilla. Disappointing after World's End, which had more fights than the line-up of Wrestlemania 2000.

The main monsters, according to page time they received, were Baragon, MOGUERA, and Anguirus, in that order. And Baragon only appears after half the book is over. But if we want to talk about who stars in the book as far as exposure goes, it has to go to the crew members of MOGUERA and the Indians of the Blackfoot tribe. To borrow and alter a quote from Ian Malcolm of the first Jurassic Park movie: "Now eventually you might have MONSTERS in your MONSTER book, right?" That might be a slight exaggeration, but really, why did we pick up this book in the first place?

The storylines that received the most page time were Baragon's ravaging of Montana and the MOGUERA unit itself. The giant horned lizard's attempt to turn the Blackfoot Indian reservation into his own all-you-can-eat buffet was the high-point of the entire book. Cattle, buffalo, cowboys, Indians, and business men were indiscriminately pounced on and devoured. With Mechagodzilla's crew on a promotional tour of Russia, there was no force in America that could fend the beast off, but then the book takes a mystical turn when one of the characters finally decides to take up the mantle of shaman for his tribe.

The motivation behind Anguirus' attack is never explained. Sure, a wild kaiju doesn't really need a reason to run amok, but in the previous story, he existed only in legend before surfacing for the first time with the sole purpose of defeating Gigan. He was an earth defender last time, so why does he start destroying real estate for the hell of it?

Fire Rodan returns from Godzilla 2000. It was his offspring that was featured in Word's End, remember? Papa Rodan had absolutely no reason to be in this book, as all he did was mimic his also pointless role from last time. He flew to America, destroyed a structure or two, laid an egg, and flew back home with his brood. That's it. He participated in no storyline, thus contributed nothing. His offspring had a much more limited role in the last book, but it actually played a part in the outcome by saving the humans from being grounded by Battra. But despite this gripe, what little he did was a bit of a good read. He landed in the new ballpark of the Pittsburgh Pirates, probably thinking it to be a concrete nest. Cerasini does a good job showing what would happen if this airborne kaiju were to touch down in a stadium, with much detail paid to the accidental death and destruction his mass and wings would cause. It's worth noting that Cerasini is a native of Pittsburgh, so this may be a tribute, albeit a twisted one, to his hometown. I'm sure if I wrote a story where the Boston Red Sox were crushed to death, my fellow New Englanders would string me up like a pinata.

My last major disagreement with the way this story was handled concerns Mechagodzilla, who only shows up towards the end. Mechagodzilla is one of the most popular monsters in Toho's kaiju catalog who should have had a lot more effort put into his first appearance in this Godzilla book series. The robot monster's pilot is given more attention, and as I stated in a previous review, no one looks at Godzilla media for the human cast, they want the monsters. The least we could have asked for was a first meeting between Godzilla and his metal clone so more time could have been devoted to them, as they are featured prominently on the book's cover. Speaking of the cover, another masterpiece by artist Bob Eggleton, it depicts Godzilla and Mechagodzilla facing off over a Russian landscape as Anguirus is bombarded with missiles in the foreground. So just by looking at it in the store, you'd probably expect a grand battle between the two akin to their movie counterparts somewhere within its fifteen chapters. But no, they don't even as much as scratch each other, but battle on the same side. This would have been fine, considering the fact that both monsters are varying degrees of "good" who face a common enemy, but again, the cover foreshadows a conflict, and the name of the book itself is Godzilla vs. The Robot Monsters, and the one monster he battled was only half robot. Everything about the presentation was misleading.

G-Force returns from Godzilla 2000, as The Big G is viewed as an immediate worry as opposed to the last book where there were more immanent kaiju threats to take care of. The flying ship Garuda from the film Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II makes an appearance to aid MechaG in his travels. After three books, Nick Gordon is finally dropped even though his character was finally turned tolerable in the last book. But we do see the return of the first book's main character, Brian Shimura, who covers the conclusive battle and just happens to be the uncle of a member of G-Force.

There is a noticable error in the time line between this book and the predecessor. Godzilla at World's End ended on January 22nd, 2001, but this book begins December 13th, 2000. While I at first figured that the prologue featuring the discovery of King Ghidorah could have occurred during the events of the previous book, it tells us that "at that moment", Godzilla is wandering through the center of the Earth where he was left at the conclusion of the last book.

Something that caught my eye was a brief scene to illustrate Godzilla finally setting "foot" on Japanese soil once again. It featured two factory workers named Ken and Ryu. A reference to the two main fighters of the Street Fighter video game series? Then Ryu states "I'd rather be driving my car than spending time with my girlfriend, any day." There aren't really any guys who think like that, are there?

Once again, the book's main selling point occurs in the last couple of chapters. But overall, the story was still good, but it was a wasted opportunity. The Baragon and Anguirus segments play a big part in entertainment value. Godzilla and Mechagodzilla fight on the same side for the first time in any Toho endorsed lore. Unless you count video games where two players could choose those monsters and compete as a team. Which I don't and neither should you. This book is also the first in the series where Mothra doesn't make any appearance, but it's fine because her help wasn't needed. And despite everything going on, it would have been better if the book was longer to devote more attention to those storylines which received little. Generally, Godzilla vs. The Robot Monsters should have contained more scenes of Godzilla versing robot monsters.

Book Roles vs. Movie Roles
The norm of Cerasini's Godzilla novels is that he invents unique new origins for existing monsters. Here's some small descriptions of the parts they played in the movies that inspired their appearances here:
-Mecha-King Ghidorah was originally a hero. After Godzilla whipped his tail in a fight that also saw the three-headed monster lose his central head, visitors from the future revived the carcass with their modern technology, and a few robotic enhancements, to put a stop to Godzilla's rampage.
-The G-Force Mechagodzilla was created solely by Japan out of the scraps of Mecha-King Ghidorah. So this story could never occur in the Heisei series since one monster is made out of the remains of another.
-MOGUERA was also a Japanese G-Force creation. In the films, he could split into two different mechs; one airborne and a ground-based vehicle that could tunnel underground.

Godzilla vs. The Robot Monsters ends with several unique prospects for future installments. Godzilla is poisoned by a concoction cooked up by the Russians, leaving us to wonder how it will effect him in a sequel. Baragon is supposedly buried underground once more, but we can all assume that a massive monster who can burrow like a mole could resurface any time he pleases. Anguirus is contained within a pen in Russia, but you know such a hostile kaiju can't remain imprisoned for long. Mechagodzilla, MOGUERA, and Mecha-King Ghidorah are destroyed forever, but who's to say the two robot monsters can't be rebuilt again? And Rodan is home at the North Pole once more, waiting to appear in every other book to do nothing more than lay eggs. I just can't wait to see what's cooked up for the fifth book.

Sadly, waiting and seeing isn't even an option anymore. Although a fifth was planned, Toho's deal with Random House expired. It's too bad, because we'll never find out how much offspring a single Rodan can yield in its lifetime. Godzilla and The Lost Continent was the planned sequel, which would have seen the returns of Varan, Manda, and Battra. Though they got their tails (or abdomens) kicked, we never actually see them perish. I also wonder if Gigan or Megalon would have shown up, two others who disappeared without us truly discovering their fates. The premise is that a new Texas-sized continent surfaces from beneath the ocean. So naturally the world's nations decide to play "finder's keepers" with their weapons at the forefront. But the aforementioned monsters have already claimed it as their own. The hook here is that ancient ruins are discovered, as well as survivors of a nearly extinct race. Not only that, what's described as "a totally new monster" shows up with the power to devastate all the world's armies. Would this be a brand new Cerasini created kaiju? Or just a Toho creation that hasn't shown up in the novels yet? The idea of an ancient civilization coming back to life harkens back to Godzilla at World's End, the best book in the series, so I would like to think that this new story would have been at least as good. but I guess we'll never find out...

My favorite novels in this series from best to worst are Godzilla at World's End, Godzilla Returns, Godzilla vs. The Robot Monsters, and Godzilla 2000. You might probably judge by my reviews of a couple of these books that I hated them, but that is far from the truth. I've basically been reviewing them for what they were: Godzilla adventures. For what they were, the numerous human portions of the stories were excellent, but if I wanted a people story, I would have picked one out. I'll probably go back to these books and read them again someday. It's a crime to think these fantastic books were priced from 4.99 (the first) to 5.99 (the rest). For their quality, they were worth much more.

Then again, who's to say that a lot of the problems I griped about were even Cerasini's original intentions? If anyone's ever paid attention to the development processes of Godzilla ventures handled by outside companies, you would know how controlling (compassionate) Toho is about their lunch tickets. They are very particular about how their kaiju are handled, so who's to say that potentially great books like 2000 and Robot Monsters were heavily altered by the Toho reps? Sure, it's an unnecessary handicap when the franchise is in the capable hands of an obvious fan like Cerasini, but Toho's guidelines are also required to prevent Godzilla's good name to be sullied by the likes of Sony/Tristar's 1998 Zilla movie. The reason why it was such a blasphemous deviation is because Dean Devlin and Roland Emmerich took the Godzilla guidelines and basically used them as emergency wipes in case their trailers ran out of toilet paper. So while admitted non-Godzilla fans like Devlin and Emmerich could have used the guidelines, I think giving Cerasini a bit more rope to do his own thing would have made his already awesome works far more enjoyable. Speaking of that abomination against Godzilla, rumor has it that the reason why Random House didn't release the final Godzilla book before their rights expired is due to the poor reaction to the Zilla movie. So not only did that mutated iguana kill the real G's image in America, it also made sure that the paper used to print out copies of Lost Continent remained in the trees.

And that's just the way it is.

Writer, Cartoonist... Game Designer?

2008-01-19T18:02:00.002-05:00

I've written a full novel, with dozens more in development. I've written a few comic strips with about a hundred more in reserve. But I never would have dreamed that my first paid writing gig would be in interactive media.

A little bit more than a week ago, I received an e-mail from a man I've never met before, but a man I knew plenty. Without giving away too much info, I'll just say he is the promoter of a product that I'm a fan of. I posted quite a few detailed comments about his product on a web site petaining to it, thinking nothing more of it than just showing my support. But the promoter himself read what I wrote regarding his product and decided to contact me. The e-mail he sent asked me nothing more than to call him, supplying both his land line and cell numbers.

So I called the guy up and he told me that he liked the stuff I wrote, thinking I had a good mind for his product. He revealed to me that he was planning on creating a video game based on it, and thought I would be a good choice to take some core ideas he had for it and expand it into a story he could use to sell the game idea to game developers and publishers. I was quite taken aback at being given this opportunity, especially since I'm an unproven commodity in the writing world. Still, what an opportunity it was, so I accepted his proposal. I took an afternoon to flex my creative muscle, and I had to because this was the first time I wrote a story based on someone else's ideas. After crafting five pages of story, beefing up the existing ideas with some of my own, I submitted it to the promoter. It was only my first effort and I am fortunate that he liked what he saw, saying he would show it to some associates. Hopefully my work will go a long way in helping to gain approval for the project.

In the end, the promoter told me that he would like to keep me on the project when it goes forward, on a creative level. He's also cutting me a check for the story treatment. I don't know how much, but it blows my mind that I'm finally getting paid for doing something I love instead of from some spirit-draining 9-5. And it only too me an afternoon to do it. I always figured that, somewhere in my writing career, that I would end up aiding in the development of video games based on my own intellectual properties. I just never dreamed it would take place this soon, and for someone else's I.P., the owner of which liked my writing enough to take a gamble on me.

A little bit more into this promoter's future plans for his product: as of now, it's only seen within a limited area, but aside from this game, there's also plans for a reality TV show, possibly shown on Spike, E!, MTV, or one of several other channels. The show could go a long way in promoting the game when it's ready, and the publishing company being tossed around as accepting rights is Electronic Arts, the largest producer of video game software. The promoter told me there's a good chance I could make a lot of money from this when all is said and done.

And just when I thought I couldn't get rich doin' this shit.

And that's just the way it is.

Wishes Do Come True... At Hotel Dusk

2008-01-19T16:23:00.001-05:00

Hotel Dusk: Room 215 is a sort of point and click adventure for the Nintendo DS. It can be accurately described as an interactive mystery novel. Hell, you even have to hold the DS on its side as if it were a book. It's a linear design, meaning there is a set path of actions you must follow to complete it. You manually control the main character through his adventure, interacting with key areas within the setting in search of clues and items that you can use to progress. You also spend a good amount of time talking to the many colorful characters that populate the game. If you already played another DS game called Trace Memory, you will already have an idea on how this one will play out. Indeed, they were both made by Cing, a Japanese developer that was also responsible for a mobile phone game conversion of Harvest Moon, as well as some bizarre "virtual girlfriend" program for phones in Japan. While Hotel Dusk came after Trace Memory, this game contains more text and fewer puzzles than its predecessor.
If you're like me, you're the kind of person who will want to examine every single friggin' object in the game, and EVERYTHING is can be examined. But to the credit of the writers, even items that are identical to each other, such as boxes and lamps, have different descriptions. I mean, there are more than a dozen toilets in the hotel, and looking at each one will yield different commentaries from your character. He is a very witty person, as clicking on one particular roll of toilet paper will have him call it "man's best friend". And who am I to argue with that?

Rated Teen for the following:
Mild Language- No sugarcoating in this game. Crap, hell, ass. Now this blog entry is rated "T". Fuck. DAMN, now it's "AO"! That means this won't be viewable on a Nintendo console!
Mild Violence- Flashbacks to gun play, as well as some manually induced headaches.
Use of Alcohol- Hotel's got a bar, and the main character has a long night. He needs a pick-me-up or two.

Story
December 28th, 1979, Nevada. A former New York cop named Kyle Hyde checks into a rundown joint called Hotel Dusk. Posing as a traveling salesman, he is secretly on the hunt for his ex-partner Brian Bradley, searching for answers on why he betrayed him three years ago. The hotel manager puts him up in Room 215, also called "The Wish Room". Word is that people who stay in that room have their greatest wish come true before they check out. Kyle has a feeling that this ramshackle hotel will help him find out what happened to Bradley, so he snoops around the premises and interrogates all the guests and employees.

Characters
Kyle Hyde- New York cop who turned in his badge after supposedly killing his trechorous partner Bradley. Now posing as a salesman, he wants to find out what happened to his former friend.
Brian Bradley- Your ex-partner that you shot and saw fall into the Hudson River when he tried to escape after being confronted about his defection to the enemy's side. You believe he's still alive, and want to track him down to discover the reason for his betrayal.
Ed Vincent- Your boss. Using his sales business as a front to his real business of "finding things that don't want to be found". The only one who knows of Kyle's relentless search for his missing partner.
Rachel- Ed's secretary and your main contact. Helps Kyle out by doing research for him.
Dunning Smith- Hotel Dusk's owner. Doesn't tolerate suspicious characters at his establishment.
Louis "Louie" DeNonno- Hotel employee who was a pickpocket that crossed paths with Kyle on more than one occasion during his cop days. He claims to be reformed.
Mila- A mysterious young girl who can't speak. She is wearing a bracelet that Kyle last saw around the wrist of Bradley.
Rosa Fox- Hotel maid who handles most of the work. Has a big heart within her big frame and knowledgeable of Hotel Dusk's shady history.
Jeff Angel- Rich kid who seeks excitement in all the wrong ways.
Helen Parker- One-eyed elderly woman who can hold her own against anyone at the bar. Tried to get booked into the Wish Room, but Kyle got it first.
Martin Summer- Novelist who tends to engage in long-winded conversations with anyone unfortunate enough to be nearby. Wrote many books, but only his first achieved best-seller status.
Iris- Movie star who has her posh reality shattered when she doesn't get the princess treatment she feels she is entitled to. Doesn't take kindly to your gruff personality.
Melissa Woodward- Child that acts in typical brat fashion until you listen to her problems. Claims to hate her father.
Kevin Woodward- Melissa's negligent father. A doctor with an estranged wife.

While all nine of the hotel's occupants seem to be normal upon meeting them, a little prying will reveal that they're tied to Kyle's investigation in startling ways. You'll also investigate practically every room in the hotel, even those limited to staff members. You'll discover evidence that Bradley stayed at the hotel six months earlier using your name. There's also an angel motif that runs throughout the game, such as the last name of a character, a design on a lost pen, the decoration on a bookmark, the name of a room, and most important, a stolen painting called Angel Opening a Door.
As for the ending... this isn't a spoiler, but you know how Super Mario 64 ended with the hero getting cake? Well, this game ends with the hero getting "pie". You'll have to play through the game yourself to get what I mean.

Graphics
The environment you transverse is 3D, and in full color. You have the ability to swing the camera around in close-up mode in order to search the scenery from different sides. The character and cut-scene graphics, however, are shown in black and white 2D (with few instances of color) that have a highly detailed, hand drawn appearance. It sort of resembles "Squigglevision", as seen on TV shows like Dr. Katz and Home Movies, except here the lines stay straight. There isn't much animation for the characters, but they have cycles that display different emotions, such as happiness, surprise, anger, and sadness.

Gameplay
When navigating the hotel, you get a bird's eye view of the section you're in. Dragging the stylus across the floor moves your character, and touching certain areas allows you to get a close-up view in order for you to investigate. You'll open doors by touching the handle (if it's open) or tapping the door itself to "knock", which may get a response from whoever's inside. Utilizing the unique features of the Nintendo DS to solve puzzles, you'll rub and tap the screen, close the DS itself, blow the microphone, and other touch-screen interactions. You'll scrape away paint, blow dust, and flip objects over. One such puzzle involves finding a pair of pliers to cut a thick wire hanger off a wall rack to help jimmy open your suitcase after your key broke inside the lock. You'll get a close-up view of the lock and will manually navigate the wire inside of it to push all the interior levers aside.
Kyle is equipped with a memo pad to hold information pertaining to your investigation, such as character info, a hotel map, your inventory, summaries of past chapters, and even a few blank pieces of paper you can use to write down your own notes. I personally only needed to take notes on three occassions, but you might find more uses for this convenience.
You'll close out each chapter with a tough interrogation on one of the hotel's occupants, this game's equivelant of a boss battle. Here, you'll ask the hard questions that'll get people to spill their deepest hidden secrets that will give you valuable info on your mission. Be on your toes, because saying the wrong thing will screw up your interrogation and the game will end for you.
Speaking of game overs, aside from incorrectly interrogating someone, there are other ways. When having normal conversations with people, you are usually given a couple of choices of what to say. Some phrases are civil, others snappy. If you say too many wrong things that get whomever you're talking to angry, they might go complain to Dunning and he'll throw you out on your ass. Another way is if you're caught carrying something that you "borrowed" from someone else. To prevent this, you'll either have to stash the items in your suitcase or return them to where you found them.
As for how long this game will last you, my first play through was 20 hours, many of which were grouped into multi-hour sessions. I completed it inside of a month.

Tips
Here's a few things you should keep in mind when you begin playing that I wish I knew before I did.
-Save often, especially if you're unsure of what's in store for you. If you get a game over, you'll restart at the beginning of the last time increment that passed. Each chapter is measured in an hour of time and divided into twenty-minute parts. It will be a buzz-killer to have to repeat a lot of the dialog you just got done reading if you have to start over. And there's a lot of dialog.
-Apparently, if you beat the game without getting a game over, there's an extra scene at the end. So always save at a point where it's "do or die" and reset the game if you accidentally get a game over so the game won't record it.
-I also read that there's a point at the beginning of Chapter 4 where you get coins for a vending machine which enables you to obtain something. If you miss it, it won't ruin your game as I can attest to, but I'd like to know what happens if you get it.

In Closing
Don't buy this if you play video games because they're not literature. If you enjoy reading, point and click adventures, and a good mystery, then by all means track this one down. As a writer, I would love to create a game like this based on my own properties. I would even chip in with static illustrations.

Maybe if I get involved with the video game industry somehow, someway...

And that's just the way it is.

Killer Bods From Outer Space

2008-01-19T12:21:00.002-05:00

From the planet Unebula, The Glow Girls came to Earth to party and hook up with guys. Resembling our planet's female humans, each is a hot-bodied athlete unlike any babe you've ever seen. The customary attire of their home world includes hot pants and tall boots, colored neon green with orange stripes, although they occasionally shed all that in favor of bikinis. All isn't fun and games for these eye-catching extraterrestrials, as they have to keep a lookout for the mutant alien L.E.N. who desires to control them and eventually take over our world. Another interesting note is that the girls seem to feed off radioactive energy... just like Godzilla! Except for them it comes in soda cans, much easier to consume that way than busting open a nuclear reactor. They're also finding out that Earth boys are easy.

In reality, The Glow Girls are a team of twenty or so beauties who can do more than stand around and look pretty. They are currently utilized in the promotion of products, companies, and events, such as the Total Fighting Alliance. The part of their evil alien nemesis is played by Lenward L. Holness Jr., the promoter of the women. A successful business man, he lived a life of luxury. His endeavors included music, fashion, photography, and finance. He's lived in New York, Boston, Hong Kong, and now California. He grew up with Steve Tyler and Joe Perry. Then one day he grew tired of the countless business and social meetings that consumed his life. Fuck all that shit, he wanted to drive around in luxury vehicles and hang around with young scantily clad babes. And he could, because he has the influence and cash. This is his version of retirement: being single and surrounded by women. And even with this venture, it looks like King Midas is about to make gold again.

I, along with a few million others, discovered The Glow Girls on YouTube. Their video channel offered no explanation on what their purpose was, but that was far from everyone's mind because their videos featured them dancing, playing, and exercising in their tight and revealing outfits. But like all tantalizing content on YouTube, the videos and the Glow Girl channel itself was soon deleted. I guess they had to make way for such brilliant content like the nausea inducing "leave Britney alone" parodies, episodes of Naruto, and the video blog of a ditz who goes on and on about why men are such shallow cretins, and yet has a vid where she states the most important qualities of a potential boyfriend are being good looking and having a high-paying job so she doesn't have to work.

The girls came back with two new channels, but the new videos play it safe by not being as arousing as before. But I still couldn't suppress the feeling that there was more to them then dancing for three minute video clips. I looked for the girls on MySpace and the search came out positive. This led me to more information about what they were truly about, which I already described to you earlier in this blog entry. Other interesting facts about the GGs is that they have a canine mascot named Bentley, who also wears a neon green jacket. They have their own personalized "Glow Mobile", an Aptera typ-1 rugged electric hybrid with a neon green paint job. They even have a theme song by MC Funky.

The Glow Girls and L.E.N. have met California govener Arnold Schwarzenegger, the mayor of Los Angeles Antonio Villaraigosa, Chinese actress Bai Ling, reality show and MySpace celebrity Tila Tequila, and for some reason, Danny Bonaduce. But even greater than the Govenator himself, they met JON F'N LOVITZ. I'd get breasts implanted in my chest and slip on hot pants just to meet that guy!

The Glow Girls are currently exclusive to personal appearances on the west coast, but a little alien told me that they have some pretty big projects planned in the future. I can't reveal who my informant is, or L.E.N. may come for me.

And that's just the way it is.

Godzilla and the End of the World

2008-01-08T14:00:00.002-05:00

G-Zilla returns to rack up more collateral damage in an effort to save mankind in Godzilla at World's End, the third novel in Marc Cerasini's Godzilla series of books. After the underwhelming Godzilla 2000, which had about five different plots going on at once, this book forgivingly revolves around a single calamity. Once again dealing with a threat to all life on Earth, our worries originate from below us as opposed to above.

While 2000 only had a kaiju count of six, World's End employs a whopping ten monsters to battle over Earth's future. And the scary thing is, even though the same amount of pages are used in this book and the previous, Cerasini does a much more satisfying job utilizing the kaiju this time around, even though there were four more of them to worry about. The havoc is also spread more across the globe, rather than brief stopovers in France and Britain before focusing on the States.

Kaiju Cast
Godzilla- rises up from the ocean depths to defend Nature from those who seek to harm her.
Mothra- once more appears in a single character's dream sequence to clue her in on the true cause of the kaiju uprising.
Anguirus- a monster thought only to exist in legend, the spiked saurian defends his apparent homeland Russia from monster invaders.
Rodan- the hatchling from the previous book has done some growing up and takes up the mantle of "Defender of the Skies".
Gigan- a viscious cyborg with sharp limbs that seeks to eliminate the world's satellite communications.
Manda- a traditional-looking Chinese dragon who goes medieval in Shanghai.
Megalon- the towering cockroach with drill hands rains his lightning on South America.
Hedorah- an extremely lethal monster comprised of toxic sludge and gas, he has the ability to go airborne to spread poisonous death across the populace, or transverse the ground for a more direct approach to those who may threaten him.
Battra- a sinister looking insect monster who is a dark parallel to Mothra, both in appearance and intentions.
Biollante- the ultimate weapon employed by the mysterious warmongers to wipe out humanity once and for all. A massive plant kaiju with a monstrous maw and ever-growing vine tendrils.

Story
The story begins eight years in the past at the literal "end of the world", Antarctica. A young explorer discovers her frozen-to-death father at the bottom of a pit. After being menaced by giant plant vines, an earthquake opens up the ground beneath her and consumes both her and her father's corpse.
In the present time, America is still trying to rebuild itself after the devastation caused by Godzilla's rumble with King Ghidorah. Also, a technologically advanced flying airship called Destiny Explorer is being prepped for its maiden flight to Antarctica.
At the same time, the South Pole is hit with disaster as a giant abyss opens up from within the earth and the gigantic cyborg Gigan is set loose upon the world. It's first mission is to fly into the atmosphere and destroy all the Earth's satellites in an effort to cripple communications. Russia launches a nuclear missile in response, but all it succeeds in doing is drawing the monster to them in retaliation.
Bursting from the crust of Peru, insectoid kaiju Megalon tears up a small settlement in Lima. Burrowing up from an unfinished tunnel in China, the serpentine dragon Manda puts the squeeze on Shanghai. Each country's respective militaries fail to repel their monster threats, and it seems those countries are about to crumble when the Earth's own defenders arrive to counter the threats. Godzilla rises from the East China Sea to grapple with Manda. The spiky Anguirus surfaces from the Caspian Sea to tackle Gigan. After trying battles, both of the saurian sea monsters successfully dragged their unconscious foes into the churning waves, no longer a threat for the foreseeable future. The combined U.S. and Peru militaries manage to drive Megalon into the Amazon rain forest.
But the mysterious forces from within the earth that unleashed the previous terrors aren't finished. Launching from the Pacific Ocean and flying over Osaka, the smog monster Hedorah begins to choke out the populace with his toxic gas and sludge. The repulsive moth Battra chases the Destiny Explorer in Chile. Instinctively, Godzilla hones in on Hedorah, and Rodan's offspring arrives to fight off Battra. Both dispatch their opponents with ease.
The climax sees the Destiny Explorer fly into the earth itself through the abyss created in the South Pole, with Godzilla hot on its heels. Who or what are the unknown aggressors to mankind's livelihood? And will they be successful in their war when they play their trump card in the form of Biollante?

Analysis
In the spirit of the Showa series of films, it's great to see Godzilla and his running buddies Rodan and Anguirus fighting against the forces of evil. However they all fight solo instead of the tag team battles usually seen in the films.

It's revealed that the evil kaiju that attack humanity were created by those that dwell at the center of the world in an effort to retake the surface for themselves. Author Cerasini had to look through the back catalog of Toho kaiju and select six monsters he best felt could have been manufactured by a subterranean race of creatures. I feel he chose well, as the creatures he chose are too unnatural to have been born by normal means, although I'd like to think that Manda and Battra already existed and were being mind-controlled by "the ancient ones". Let's have a quick review of the original origins of the sinister monsters: Gigan was a weapon created by aliens from Space Hunter Nebula M. Hedorah was an alien tadpole that fell from space from a meteor and grew into a pollution-based monster after feeding on Earth's refuse. Megalon and Manda were originally gods of the undersea kingdoms of Seatopia and Mu respectively. Battra was the dark parallel of Mothra, both of whom had a serious quarrel at the beginning of time. His goal was to defend the earth, but from human threats as opposed to kaiju. Biollante was created by a scientist combining the DNA of Godzilla, a rose, and his deceased daughter.

Other problems in the previous book have been addressed, such as a smaller human cast to care about, no elaborate back stories on people who exist only to expire in a few pages, and no overpowered military beating the supposed-to-be indestructible kaiju within an inch of their lives. However, if there were a couple of parts I could still change, it would be to have the cast spend more time in the underground city, as opposed to the final two chapters. Cerasini repeatedly compares Godzilla's head to that of a cat's. The only thing remotely cat-like about Godzilla's head is his nose. He also seems to want us to believe that Megalon and Battra resemble each other, but anyone who's ever actually seen them before will wonder what he is on about. Nick Gordon returns once more in a bigger role, but it appears his character has matured since the first book as he no longer spouts off line after line of annoying remarks. There's also two small and interesting side plots about a Russian patrol ship following Godzilla in an effort to secure samples of his blood, as well as the Big G attacking a freighter to consume its plutonium cargo.

The unnamed President of the United States in the story is eerily similar to the current real-life one, George W. Bush. It wasn't intentional, as this book was published before Dubya entered office. After major crisis strikes, he fails to adequately respond to and rebuild the areas damaged. The administration is referred to as arrogant and introduces programs which will not solve the problems facing the country. They wasted billions of taxpayer dollars several times over, fuel prices rocketed, and Americans were forced to adopt new rules and regulations that adversely affected their lives. This fictional President goes on to declare a state of emergency, puts the country under martial law, and suspends the upcoming elections. Hopefully that action won't be echoed by the real President.
I can't believe I just used a review on a Godzilla book to take potshots at Bush Jr. But I'll be damned if Godzilla didn't cause as much devastation on the fictional America than Dubya did on the real one.

The exquisite front cover of the book was once again crafted by Bob Eggleton. It features Godzilla, Biollante, and the Destiny Explorer airship within the earth's icy interior. On the back cover, it appears the synopsis was made before the final story was sent to the printers. It says that Megalon attacks Russia and Gigan invades South America, but the reverse is true. Of course, this could also just be an honest mistake. I just had to point this out because I'm a prick.

There seems to be a "moral" embedded within the human portion of the story. Not one, not two, but three young female characters have been spending their lives trying to imitate their father's aspirations. It also leads to be the key faults in their personalities. So remember kids: You don't have to follow exactly in your parent's footsteps; do what you want to do with your life.

Godzilla at World's End is the best book so far, and one I would love to see in movie form.

And that's just the way it is.

Benjamin Barker: The Barber of Fleet Street

2007-12-31T23:04:00.001-05:00

I'd like to wrap up the end of 2007 with a review of Tim Burton's latest. I saw it yesterday at 8:00 p.m. at the Providence Place Mall. If you look at the ticket stub over there on the left, you would have seen that I was lying to you, you gullible twit. Now that I have destroyed your trust in me, let's get on with the review.

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, is directed by Burton and stars his regularly casted actors Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter. Tim's team would have been complete if Danny Elfman provided the soundtrack, but in his stead is Stephen Sondheim, who does an excellent job. I saw this movie because ~~Johnny Depp is so dreamy~~ I'm a big fan of Burton's work.

The style is decidedly Burton-esque, anything less would have been a letdown. It's a dark movie in style and atmosphere, aside from a daydream sequence. And Burton's trademark black and white stripe combo makes an appearance as well.

The film starts with Sweeney Todd and a young sailor named Anthony Hope arriving in London from Australia. While Hope is hopeful of finding a good life there, Todd's aspirations are different. London is where he spent most of his years, and when his sweet life soured he found himself sentenced to life imprisonment in Australia by a crooked judge who wanted Todd's wife for his own. But the former Benjamin Barker escaped and assumed the name Sweeney Todd and dedicated himself to literally taking the lives of those who figuratively took his own. Barker/Todd was a barber on London's Fleet Street, so he returns to his old shop which is now situated on top of the worst bakery in the city. The bakery's proprietor, Nellie Lovett, is an old acquaintance of his wife's, and she laments that Mrs. Barker took her own life with poison. A bit of a kook herself, Lovett lets Todd reopen his barbershop, mostly because she is attracted to him. When Todd reenters his old place of business, he finds his set of silver shaving razors hidden under the floorboards, which become the tools of his wrath. His first victim is a rival barber named Signor Pirelli, who recognizes Todd as the former Ben Barker. He declares that he will blackmail Todd, but the demon barber "cuts" off his attempt. Signor had a child lackey named Tobias, who is then hired by Mrs. Lovett after claiming he was abandoned by his now former employer.

Meanwhile, the young man that Todd returned to London with is sitting on a bench across the street from a luxurious house when he hears a beautiful singing voice. He looks to the window it came from and spies a young, pretty blonde woman. It appears to be love at first sight when they lock eyes, and as Hope goes for a closer look, the door opens and an older gentleman ushers him inside. It turns out that the man who lives there is the main target of Sweeney Todd's vengeance, Judge Turpin, and the young lady is his adopted daughter Johanna Barker. Turpin himself is interested in Johanna, and threatens Hope with death if he ever shows his face again. Undeterred, Hope plans on stealing Johanna away and goes to look for Sweeney Todd for assistance.

Speaking of the judge, he soon makes his way to the barbershop and Todd finally sees his chance at retribution. But Hope bursts into the room right before he can do the job. Turpin, upon seeing the youth, is outraged by the company that the barber keeps and storms out of the shop. Todd is enraged after seemingly losing his opportunity for payback, but his anger is quelled when Hope tells him about Johanna, whom he realizes is his daughter. They devise a plan that will see Hope entering the judge's house with a key Johanna threw him from the window, and bringing her safely to the shop.

Thinking that his chance for justice has slipped through his fingers, Todd starts to go crazy, deciding that everyone in the world deserves nothing but death. Everyone who is to enter his barbershop for a shave and a haircut will get their necks cut instead. Lovett, wondering how they will dispose of the corpses, suggests that she use them to improve the quality of her meat pies. And that's when the killing spree begins, the barbershop, and in turn the bakery, enjoying heavy business. Back at the judge's house, Turpin discovers that Johanna is packing a suitcase and realizes she is planning to escape, so he sends her away to an insane asylum until she "learns her lesson". At the brink of executing his plan, Hope sees Johanna being packed into a carriage and taken away to a location unknown to him. Wandering the streets, he is fortunate to spy her in the window of the asylum, but can not find a way inside.

When Hope returns to Todd, the barber suggests he pose as an apprentice wigmaker, as the hair of the asylum's inmates are used for that very purpose. The plan succeeds as Hope makes his way in and tells the asylum's keeper that he is looking for blonde locks. He is led to a room full of fair-haired damsels, with Johanna amongst them. He rescues her by revealing a gun and using it to hold off the warden as they escape.

Tobias, the young boy who works in the bakery, becomes suspicious of what kind of person Sweeney really is, which leads to Lovett locking him inside her kitchen to be disposed of later. There, he discovers discarded body parts all over the place and realizes the truth of the pies at last. Todd comes down to kill him off, but Tobias seemingly escapes into the sewer. At the same time, Hope and Johanna, who is dressed as a boy so no one recognizes her, enter the barbershop. Hope tells Johanna to stay there while he goes to fetch a carriage so they can escape and live together in happiness in another location. With Hope gone, Johanna hides inside the trunk within the shop when Todd returns, trailed by Judge Turpin who has decided to get clean-shaven in order to make a better impression on Johanna when he goes to see her. What will happen with all these combustible elements gathered in the same place in the film's final moments? The conclusion features a shocking revelation when a background character turns out to be a key figure in the story, as well as a dramatic end to the tale by an unlikely hero.

Johnny Depp plays the film's protagonist... er, antagonist... let's just say "title character". He starts off as an anti-hero, deciding to limit the body count only to those who wrong him. But he soon evolves into a sadistic murderer when he feels that no one deserves to live anymore, including, as he puts it, himself and his partner in crime Lovett. Speaking of Lovett, played by Tim Burton's life partner Helena Carter, she comes off as a gentler, albeit still crooked, woman who falls in love with Todd and supports his endeavors. Sympathy can be lost for her when she gets the idea of making her pies out of the victims of Todd's "short cuts", but she often laments about the needless killing of innocents and wishes to eventually marry and live a somewhat normal life with him. The Sweeney Todd character himself is quite similar to one of Tim Burton's original creations, Edward Scissorhands. Both have wild hairstyles, pale skin, show little emotion, adorn themselves in dark clothing, and play with sharp objects. But of course, the biggest similarity is that they were both played by the same actor.

My only complaint with the movie is that there was too much singing for my taste. Just about 80% of the dialog is spoken in song. The songs were good and all, it's just that it was unnecessarily much. Although I guess one can't fault the movie because it's based on a stage play. I guess you could say that this movie falls into the horror-musical genre. As for the gore content, there's nothing visceral. Just a lot of gushing blood from severed blood vessels in the neck. If you love musicals but abhor blood, you may want to stay away from this one.

And that's just the way it is.

Journey To The Center Of Oz

2007-12-14T19:57:00.001-05:00

Frank Baum's young audience spoke again, this time clamoring to know more about the former Wizard of Oz. They also decided that no book about Oz would be complete unless it involved Dorothy. Baum answered their wishes with the next installment in his popular series, called Dorothy and The Wizard in Oz. Like the previous book, most of the adventure doesn't occur within Oz, but in the fairy land that surrounds it. Or rather... beneath it. The first land they go to actually borders The Nome King's Dominions.

And now, your main characters for this excursion into the bizarre world that can't be found on any map:
Dorothy Gale- While on a trip to visit family in California, an earthquake takes her on an unexpected detour.
Zebediah Hugson- Dorothy's second cousin who takes part in her new adventure after the buggy carrying both of them falls far below the earth's crust.
The Wizard- The former ruler of Oz accidentally enters a crack in the ground while trying to land his balloon and rejoins his old acquaintance from Kansas.
Jim The Cab Horse- Zeb's old horse who tows the buggy. He still has a lot of physical endurance, as well as a bad temper.
Eureka The Kitten- Dorothy's pet who thinks herself to be the center of the universe, although quite resourceful.
The Nine Tiny Piglets- The Wizard's pygmy pigs who are part of his magic act.

Now a brief introduction to the new lands our explorers... explore:
The Vegetable Kingdom- The deepest part of the earth where the gravity is so low, one can walk in midair. The citizens are human in appearance, but are actually living vegetables. They don't take too kindly to the meaty intruders, who they accuse of bringing down a rain of stones that damaged their glass homes.
The Valley of Voe- A beautiful country where a fruit grows that renders whomever eats it invisible. The kind people who inhabit this land can only be identified by their voices. Unfortunately, that also goes for the bears who also inhabit this land.
Country of the Gargoyles- Home to hideous monsters who doesn't appreciate trespassers in their land. The most curious quality of this place is that everyone and everything is made of wood.
The Emerald City- Although reunited with old friends, don't think the troubles are over for the adventurers.

You know, I would briefly recap most of the story, sans the final scenes, but it appears that my descriptions of the characters and locations have already done that job. But if that isn't enough to satisfy your curiosity, I guess you have no choice but to pick up a copy yourself and dive right in.

One must wonder why Toto never gained the ability to speak while he was in Oz. I guess because Baum never thought that he would continue writing about it after his first book, so he never considered giving outside animals the gift of speech until more of them started coming in.

And that's just the way it is.

The Wonderful Wizard of Oz and Ozma of Oz: The Movies

2007-11-28T20:53:00.001-05:00

After reading the first three stories of the Oz series, I decided to go back and revisit the films that were spawned by them. The first is a film you all probably watched at least once... most likely against your will when you were younger. The Wizard of Oz is Metro-Goldwyn-Myer's musical classic full of quotes and scenes parodied in other works for years. "I'll get you my pretty!" "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" "I don't think we're in ______ anymore!" Yup, they all came from here. The reason why so many lines are spoofed even today is because everyone will recognize them.

I'm a big fan of how the three farmhands, Miss Gulch, and the phony psychic returned as characters in Dorothy's dream as Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion, Wicked Witch, and the Wizard. Amusing is the overenthusiastic actings of the characters and their weird little quirks. The Scarecrow is always stumbling because he is an inexperienced walker, Dorothy seems to show more concern over the well being of Toto than herself, The Cowardly Lion's over-effeminate mannerisms, and The Tin Man rusting up. Jeez, those knot-heads most certainly would have gotten on my nerves. Especially that lion. But I do have to give credit to Dorothy's three traveling companions when they went on a witch hunt. The Lion had a bug net, Tin Man had insect spray... and the Scarecrow had a fucking gun. He was going to bust a cap in the witch's ass!

The Wizard himself... that is, the man behind the curtain... is probably the best character in the movie with his zingers and absentmindedness. When the Scarecrow asks the Wizard how he can repay him for the diploma, he quickly replies "you can't". Frank Morgan was the highlight of the film for me. He played the Wizard, the men who guarded the doors to the Emerald City and the Wizard's chamber, the "horse of a different color" chariot driver, and Professor Marvel at the beginning of the movie. Although there was one line he said to the Tin Man after giving him his "heart" that depressed me: "A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others." Rub it in, you hum bug.

I did pay special attention to the scene where the enduring rumor of a stagehand who hung himself in the background plays host. Although it was debunked already and the dead man was proven to be one of the several large birds let loose on the movie set, upon viewing the figure myself, I can't understand how anyone could have confused the emu or ostrich or whatever with a hanging corpse in the first place.

The Wizard of Oz is so far removed from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz that you don't even think of the originator when you're watching it, which successfully makes itself its own entity that can be held in a separate regard from the book. That is also the case with the quasi-sequel Return to Oz, somewhat based on The Marvelous Land of Oz and Ozma of Oz, although mostly on the latter.

Auntie Em, looking much younger here than in the first movie, is fed up with Dorothy's claims that she really went to a land of Oz with all its ludicrous inhabitants. Knowing nothing is worse than a young child with an active imagination, she takes her niece to a doctor who has an electric gizmo that can eliminate your dreams. Before this can happen, a storm knocks out the power, and while the doctor and nurse go to check on the power and patients, another young girl comes to lead Dorothy out of the hospital. It turns out that the pained screams coming from the basement are from people whose brains have been damaged by the doctor's "treatments". Unfortunately for the girls, they slip on the muddy bank of a river and fall in. Dorothy manages to find solace in a floating chicken coop, while the fate of her savior is unknown. When Dorothy comes to, she finds herself stranded in a desert, and oddly enough, she is accompanied by Billina, one of the hens from her Kansas farm. Even strangers, she can talk now. Dorothy realizes she is back in Oz, and sets out towards the Emerald City. But Oz has changed for the worst since she was gone. Trees have sprouted everywhere, but yellow brick road is in shambles, and even worse, the Emerald City is in ruins. She is then pursued by an angry pack of Wheelers, people who have wheels at the end of their limbs as opposed to feet and hands. She is lucky to stumble upon a secret passage containing a highly advanced robot named Tik-Tok. Dorothy reactivates him, and Tik-Tok dispatches of the Wheelers and guides her to the decimated Emerald City. In the royal palace, they meet Princess Mombi, who locks Dorothy and Billina in a tower so she may take Dorothy's head when she comes of age. Tik-Tok's functions run down and is unable to aid her. Also in the tower is Jack Pumpkinhead, a man made of a pumpkin and branches. He uses his long arms to reach through and unlock the door. Dorothy rewinds Tik-Tok and steals Mombi's Powder of Life, which has the ability to animate lifeless objects. The group assembles a flying creature by tying together a pair of sofas, utilizing large leaves for wings and mounting the head of an antlered creature called a gump in the front. The magical powder brings the thing to life, and Dorothy, Jack, Billina and Tik-Tok ride it out of the window of the tower. They fly towards the mountain of The Nome King to save the Scarecrow and return the Land of Oz back to its former glory.

The friends Dorothy makes in this movie are more interesting and won't make you roll your eyes with their goofy mannerisms. The Gump has biting wit. Billina has a big attitude for a small chicken. Tik-Tok is brave and noble. And Jack is innocent and light-hearted. And best of all, nobody sings or dances.

Like the first movie, the land of Oz exists only in Dorothy's head. Which means many of the new characters are derived from people and things she sees before falling unconscious.
-The mean head nurse becomes the wicked Mombi.
-Dr. Worley becomes The Nome King, both of whom want to erase Dorothy's memory of Oz.
-Worley's machine becomes Tik-Tok.
-A jack o' lantern becomes Jack Pumpkinhead.
-A medic pushing a squeaky cot becomes a Wheeler.
-The young girl who helps Dorothy escape the hospital becomes Ozma.
-Dorothy's favorite hen from the farm Billina shows up with her, but now with the ability to talk.

Return to Oz introduces Fairuza Balk as the perfect Dorothy Gale, and she has also gone on to star in other notable films such as The Craft and The Waterboy. She did a lot more, those are just the other roles I've seen her in. Yeah, I don't watch too many movies. She is also Wiccan and single, the latter giving me another goal to shoot for in life.

And that's just the way it is.

The Mall of Rhode Island

2007-11-28T18:58:00.000-05:00

Anyone who's ever lived in The Ocean State for at least fifteen years is probably very familiar with the Rhode Island Mall. Or at least, its heyday. One of the smallest state's biggest landmarks is now an empty shell of its former glory. At one time, it was bookended by Sears and Filene's. Now it's bookended by Sears and a blank wall.

When I was a tyke, I always used to go there practically every Saturday with my mother. I liked this mall because it was right next to a Toys 'R Us. But there were many great places within to explore as well. Here's a run down of some of the stores that made up the mall at various times of its existence. These are only the ones I remember, and is far from a complete listing.

Stores that are closed
Tape World- just your standard seller of CDs, games and VHS tapes.
Walden Books- I bought the second Jurassic Park novel, The Lost World, there. Also some compilations of the Calvin and Hobbes comic.
Greenhouse Cafe- Food court comprised of Dunkin Donuts, sbarro, Kobe, and some others I can't remember. Early morning shoppers would usually wait here for the other stores to open.
A pet store- Don't recall the name. I purchased my first pet, a small gray mouse, there. Probably even some tropical fish. No trip to this mall was complete without a visit here.
Some kitchen accessories store- Don't remember a name for it, but I think you can figure out what they sold based on my vague description.
Camping store- Unknown name, but can you guess what they offered?
Newport Creamery- A few years ago, this New England staple of restaurants started closing locations everywhere, and this was one of the victims. Too bad, because no Saturday morning trip to the mall was complete without having their Belgian waffles for breakfast.
Filene's- This was eventually shut down after the nearby Warwick Mall expanded their own Filene's.
Foot Locker- Sold athletic footwear.
Athlete's Foot- Sold athletic footwear, and right next to Foot Locker. But I wouldn't want to buy anything there with a name like that.
Aladdin's Castle- Arcade. I think I still have tokens from there.
Saturday Matinee- Bought many Godzilla movies from here. When this store disappeared, the lot was used to showcase a huge selection of comic books. I was lucky to find a rare one I needed there.
Hallmark- Has a way.
Spencer's Gifts- One of the coolest gift stores ever.
Auntie Ann's- Freshly rolled pretzels of many varieties, I would get a small discount for being a AAA member. Please note the extra "A", for I am not a recovering alcoholic.
Fredrick's of Hollywood- Victoria's Secret's sluttier cousin, and I don't mean that in a bad way. I used to sit on a bench near this store during break and watch the men that passed by it for their reactions. Would they avert their faces? Shift only their eyes towards it? Turn their heads for a second to give a quick look? Or just flat out gawk at it?
Kid watching service- There was a place where parents could drop off their children so they could be free to shop in peace. It was full of colorful furniture and TVs playing mindless kid drivel.
Kay Bee Toys- Where a kid could be a kid.
Claire's- Girl stuff.
Western Union- The fastest way to send money worldwide.

Stores still open as of this writing
Sears- Where I worked for four and a half years. I have many a tale to tell about this place, so stay tuned.
Gamestop, formerly Electronics Boutique- I purchased numerous games there throughout the years, and still do.
Tazi's Gifts- This guy sells really gaudy items, some that you can even have personalized/engraved for that special someone you don't like very much. A few people go in to browse, but no one comes out with anything. Everyone at Sears knew Mr. Tazi himself, as he was always stopping in to check out the clearance priced items and still try to bargain for a lower price. And as the guy who was responsible for marking down everything in Electronics/Home Appliances, it pissed me off. I guess I can't blame the guy. He probably makes nothing from his store.
Bellow's Leather- Open only seasonally. When I first entered my Dark Spirit phase, I went here to try on some leather pants to see if they would suit my new attitude. I determined they were not my style. But the very persuasive store owner did convince me to buy a leather vest.
Mr. B's Coffee Cafe- A small coffee/latte/cappuccino/frappuccino/snack bar. I would stop by here pretty much every afternoon for an ice coffee during my half-hour break. I was such a regular that I didn't have to state my order anymore, as soon as Diane saw me, she grabbed a cup and went to work.
Department of Motor Vehicles- The happiest place on Earth.
The Toy Vault- I found many great treasures here, and still stop in to buy new comic books. They sell toys that you probably played with as a kid. Now you can buy them again at about five times the price just to keep it in the package with false hopes that it'll be worth big bucks some day.
Silver Dragon- Sells really neat jewelry, statues, and medieval weapons that nobody ever buys. I purchased a ring that has a coffin on it that opens to reveal A CORPSE. Funny thing is, it doesn't fit me, so I have to find a silversmith to make it fit. And I bought it YEARS ago.
Caren Charles- a woman's clothing store that has the misfortune of being at the far end of the mall. Does anyone even know it's there?
U.S.S. Saratoga Museum- Everything you wanted to know about a battleship named after a county in New York.
First Place Sports- Sells some sporting equipment, but mostly shoes, hats, and jerseys.
The Dollar Tree- Supplied Sears employees with snacks that they ate behind the checkout counter.

Why is the Rhode Island Mall still standing? It was actually purchased by Stop & Shop in an effort to prevent the bordering Wal-Mart from converting into a Super Wal-Mart. There was a brief rumor that another arcade was going to open close to Mr. B's, but that never materialized. But the wide open spaces are still used occasionally. The Easter Bunny and Santa Claus still stop by every year. The boy scouts have some annual event where they race tiny homemade cars. One year, there was some kind of talent show with participants singing and/or dancing. (No Paul, I don't think that babe dancing on stage in that slinky red dress was eyeing me as we walked by.) And then there was a fashion show which I declared to anyone that would listen that I would try to model in. Didn't make it. The mall's fountain is still there, but the water spouts very low nowadays. The escalators are always breaking down. The floor tiles are always popping up so they have to be replaced. Powerwalkers stop in every day to walk off their weight and avoid the horrible, horrible outdoors. Hmmm... the few years I worked there, they've always been around with no visible difference in their shapes.

When asked why existing stores don't pack up and go to another location, the owners reply that the rent at the Rhode Island Mall is cheaper. And every holiday season, Sears would rent out some of the empty lots and use them to store excess merchandise and store supplies. I remember helping set up one vacated lot with a TV, speakers, tables, and chairs to be used as a meeting room for the visiting suits and ties of Sears Holdings.

I always believed that new life could be breathed into the RI Mall before half of it was torn down to make way for Wal-Mart and Kohl's, but it would have required a ton of money that I don't think anyone would have been willing to invest. It's already in a great location and a couple of minutes from the Warwick Mall, which already gets fantastic crowds. If they offered a selection of stores that the other didn't have, revamped the look of the mall's interior, and launched a massive advertising campaign, they might have bounced back. And Sears still does a fair enough business for a store that everyone who has worked there recently knows is on its last legs, so that would be a decent amount of customers to venture out into the mall again. They in turn could spread the word. But that's all in the past now. The lighting is dark, its look is dated, and all the empty lots give it a somber mood. All the remaining businesses will probably disappear before any new one would open. Even if completely emptied, the mall will remain just to ensure that Sam Walton's evil empire doesn't expand to drive every other store in Warwick into the gutter. Sure, it's nice that the mall will stand as a piece of history, but it'll be a pathetic and useless hall of abandoned retail caves.

If there's one thing you can still give the mall credit for, it's that it's very clean and secure. There's usually at least one member of mall security that makes rounds in what must be the most mind-numbingly boring beat in the city. The best they do is keep idiot children from trying to run the opposite way on the escalators... when they're operational, of course. Then there is the maintenance staff. At least two of them patrol the mall at any given time to sweep up the one or two pieces of dropped trash a day, mop the floor that no one has walked upon in weeks, and wipe down tables immediately after someone has finished eating at it. Of course, the maintenance crew was noticeably absent during that time when all the illegal immigrants went on a nationwide strike...

For more info on the history of the Rhode Island Mall, check out deadmalls.com and do a search on "Rhode Island".
And I'll be damned, it has its own WIKIPEDIA PAGE!

And that's just the way it is.

The Y2G Problem

2007-11-23T17:08:00.001-05:00

With the year 2000 looming close, man has one fear: the end of civilization. However, it won't be caused by crashing computers, but by massive meteors and killer kaiju. Godzilla 2000 is the second novel in Marc Cerasini's Godzilla series. Don't judge this book by its title, as it is not a novelization of the movie of the same name. This book came out in 1997, while the film was released in 1999. I'm sure you all remember that, as the century came to a close, tacking the number "2000" on everything was in style. This book is notable for being Godzilla's first major foray into the United States. I don't count the brief scene in Destroy All Monsters where Godzilla attacked New York merely by wading next to the city and blowing his breath on a single building. It's also worth pointing out that the TRUE Godzilla took Manhattan one year before the impostor Zilla did in theaters. This book is much longer than the first one, which is appropriate because there's so much more material to work with.

While Godzilla Returns was a single monster affair... I just wish I could remember which one it was... the sequel has the tagline of "The age of monsters has begun..." so we've got some of the Big G's famous co-stars tagging along for some action this time:
Godzilla- the indestructible nuclear monster rises up from the depths of the Mariana Trench and cuts a path of destruction through the United States. What could he be doing so far away from his native Japan?
King Ghidorah- a three-headed gold dragon from space who threatens to annihilate all life on Earth. Capable of spewing gravity beams that can vaporize an army vehicle in an instant.
Mothra- a massive moth who does its best to ensure peace for the Earth. She's equipped with a prism beam fired from her antennae and a pair of twin fairies who communicate with humans on her behalf.
Varan- a dinosaur that has evolved the ability to glide. Tears up real estate in search of his steady diet of humans.
Rodan- a Pteranadon that can fly at supersonic speeds. Can fire a super-heated uranium beam from his beak.
Kamacuras- gigantic mantises with an appetite to match.

The climactic battle is underwhelming when you consider that whenever a kaiju movie features several monsters in its lineup, they usually come together for a colossal brawl. Even Godzilla's old sparring partner Rodan had no part in the final outcome. His entire contribution to the story, in a nutshell (or eggshell), is flying from Alaska to South Dakota, laying an egg which immediately hatches, and then flying back home with his brood. The majority of this time is spent describing how the Special Defense Force goes about trying to stop him. But there is a nice build-up to his appearance, with an old village's shaman talking about how he's having visions of a giant Thunderbird, who was "coming to the places of man, for he may soon be needed". We needed Rodan to destroy a train and lay an egg? I feel safer already. Then there was the rare appearance of Varan, one of Toho's first monsters. He played the part of "wild monster on the loose", terrorizing the populace by feeding on them and toppling various structures. He also landed on a large ship to bask in the sun, much to the chagrin of the ship's crew. Mothra, though barely seen, played a role throughout the whole story by trying to convince a member of G-Force that Godzilla isn't the threat that he is assumed to be. It turns out Mothra was actually leading G to New York to have a showdown with King Ghidorah. As for Ghidorah, we knew he was coming since the beginning, being encased in a meteor that threatened to eliminate all life. But he didn't actually touch down on Earth until the last few chapters, trashing Paris before heading directly to New York and his eventual downfall. And if there's one thing Cerasini should get credit for, it's that he managed to do what no mortal writer has ever managed to do before: he made Kamacuras, the giant praying mantis, a credible threat. A large swarm of them ripped through America's midwest, eating all plant and animal life and laying waste to whatever wasn't edible. It must have been a terrifying time to be in the same region those mutated mantids, knowing nothing would be spared from their rampage.

Cerasini violated a cardinal rule of the Godzilla universe: never have the Special Defense Force victorious against kaiju unless they are utilizing a robot monster themselves. Kamacuras is exterminated, Varan is bombarded with firepower to an inch of his life, Godzilla is put down temporarily and the obscenely powerful Ghidorah has his middle neck blown off by a simple bomb. I can forgive the Kamacuras, merely house-sized insects, being taken down, and will even allow the idea that Godzilla's weaker cousin Varan can be fended off by the military like he was in his own movie, but King Godzilla and King Ghidorah are supposed to be indestructible to all of Earth's conventional weapons... yes, even American made ones, if you can believe that. The Japanese Special Defense Force is portrayed as being ineffective against their home grown threats, but the almighty American made G-Force goes on a kaiju killing spree. The purpose of the army, navy, and air force in kaiju movies isn't to win, it's to fail in a way that satisfies our desire for destruction. Even when the monster threat is evil, we still want them to crush those trying to save us. When a cast of characters we don't care about dispatch the kaiju we came to see/read about, it annoys us.

Waaaaaay too much time is spent describing the personal histories of people whose sole purpose in life is to be squashed. We don't care how an off-duty police man has concocted an elaborate plan to meet a pretty jogger at the beach, and we don't want to read about it for four pages only to have him die on the fifth. The worst is at the end, where Cerasini devotes a few pages to the humans that we forgot about as soon as their scene ended and the next kaiju one took place. Also seen in the book is Nick Gordon, a barely tolerable main character from the prequel. He is unmercifully dropped in press conferences, newscasts, and even as a witness to the final battle. The human cast in the previous book was better because there were less of them and more time was spent developing them. Here, Godzilla, Rodan, Varan, the Kamacuras, and King Ghidorah have their own plot points devoted to them, as well as their own small cast of human characters to react to them. Instead of reporters and NASA scientists, more time should have been devoted to G-Force, the people whose lives revolve around those this book exists for.

Much like how he described the horrific experience of being incinerated by Godzilla's nuclear breath in Godzilla Returns, Cerasini now tells us how it must feel to be splattered with G's radioactive blood and skin tissue. We seldom think about how every explosion that tears Godzilla's flesh must spray a considerable amount of gore all around the battlefield. One especially unlucky person ended up being showered with the stuff. He became violently ill, throwing up and feeling convulsions in his stomach, until just falling unconscious. We also were treated to a bonus fight where one natural disaster took on another: Godzilla vs. Tornado!

An awesome cover by Bob Eggleton depicts the kaiju apocalypse, with Godzilla rearing his head over a beam-spitting King Ghidorah as Rodan soars through the background. Although it would have been more appropriate to include Mothra in Rodan's place as the insect monster was the one who played a role in the final battle.

There's also a reference to that atrocious Blue Oyster Cult song Godzilla. That's right, I said it. I'm a Godzilla fan who hates that song.

And that's just the way it is.

Return to Oz: The Book

2007-11-09T19:37:00.001-05:00

Kids couldn't get enough of Oz. They pestered Frank Baum for further Oz adventures and wanted to hear more about Dorothy in particular. LFB was only happy to oblige, and set to write the greatest Oz epic yet. Ozma of Oz follows the further adventures of the new princess and her allies. Although a little shorter than the previous two stories, this one pits our friends against their greatest challenge ever.

Here is the cast this time around:
Dorothy Gale of Kansas- Traveling with Uncle Henry to Australia via ship, Dorothy falls overboard and uses a lost chicken coop to survive the storm-swept waters.
Billina- a yellow hen who also survived being lost overboard with Dorothy. She has the ability to talk, and is a proud bird who doesn't take guff from man nor nome.
Tik-Tok- a mechanical man made of copper. His brain, movement, and speech require winding up with a key to work for a twenty-four hour period and is a loyal friend.
Princess Langwidere- the only member of the Royal Family of Ev left to rule the Land of Ev. She hates her position and wishes to be absolved of her responsibility. She also owns a large array of heads of beautiful women, which she is able to switch with her own as her mood sees fit.
Princess Ozma- the courageous Princess of Oz who sets out with her army to free the Royal Family of Ev from imprisonment in Nome King's palace.
The Scarecrow-Joins Ozma on her mission.
Tin Woodman- Commands the Army of Oz on behalf of Ozma.
The Cowardly Lion- Helps pull Ozma's chariot along, and also is ridden by those slower than he is.
The Hungry Tiger- Friend of the Lion who hardly ever eats because he knows he'll only get hungry again. He refuses to eat living things because of his strong conscience.
The Sawhorse- Resumes his role as a transport, mainly for the Scarecrow. Since his last adventure, he has been plated with gold.
The Army of Oz- Comprised of twenty-seven soldiers: eight Generals, six Colonels, seven Majors, five Captains, and one private. Each rank commands the one below it, until it's up to the lone private to carry out the orders. Fortunately, that private is braver than his officers.
The Nome King- the ruler of the underworld, this deceitful king only wishes to expand his collection of ornaments by enchanting living things into them. He commands magic with a belt of jewels.

The majority of this story doesn't even take place in the Land of Oz, but is set in fairy lands that border it called the Land of Ev and the Dominion of the Nome King. After being cast overboard when the ship taking them to Australia is struck by a powerful storm, Dorothy and Billina are washed up on the shore of Ev. After they are menaced by Wheelers, a race of humanoids with wheels instead of hands or feet, they discover the copper man named Tik-Tok, who formerly belonged to Evoldo, the King of Ev. Evoldo committed suicide over the guilt of selling his wife and ten children to the Nome King. Tik-Tok easily dispatches of the Wheelers and takes Dorothy to the castle of Ev, ruled by the vain niece of the King and Queen. Named Langwidere, she owned a collection of thirty female heads of extraordinary beauty which she could interchange with her own noggin whenever she wanted. It just so happened that she was wearing one of her more bad-tempered craniums when she met Dorothy and her allies. When Dorothy refused to exchange her own pretty head for one in Langwidere's collection, the princess locked her in a tower. Fortunately for little Miss Gale, Ozma and her Emerald City entourage just so happened to be on their way for a visit with Langwidere about setting the Royal Family of Ev free from The Nome King. Dorothy is released, and she joins her friends from Oz along with Tik-Tok and Billina in order to liberate the Queen of Ev and the five princes and five princesses from the Nome King's underworld.

My favorite character in this story is Tik-Tok, a strong and smart robot who knows he is not alive and seems to be proud of that fact. It's at this point that both the Scarecrow and the Tin Woodman start to become full of themselves just because of the "gifts" the Wizard gave them. They claim to be better than Tik-Tok just because they're alive, and tell him they are smarter and more caring than he is. The Lion is more humble because he knows that the Wizard really did nothing more than hand them knick-knacks to symbolize the traits that they desired, as he claims he is still a coward. Tik-Tok does a lot more with the qualities he is programmed with than Scarecrow and the Woodman and doesn't brag about it, even going as far as to congratulate them on their so-called advantages. We saw their attitudes coming in the previous book too, with both Scarecrow and Woodman treating Jack Pumpkinhead poorly, who also made due with what he had better than those guys.

In 1985, the greatest year in the history of time, Return to Oz was released by Walt Disney Pictures. It stars a very young Fairuza Balk, who resembles a Dorothy much closer to the stories than the sixteen-year-old Judy Garland did in The Wizard of Oz. The framework of the movie is based on Ozma of Oz, although it contains certain characters, elements, and storylines from The Marvelous Land of Oz. I guess you could say they took ingredients from two different recipes, mixed it up with a few original spices and came up with a damn good cake. Using another food analogy, if The Wizard of Oz was chocolate, Return to Oz is dark chocolate. This definitely was not a musical, and the setting was far gloomier than the shiny happiness in the first movie. Younger audiences may have been frightened by the cruel Mombi, screeching Wheelers and the hideous nomes. But I was a fan when I first saw it, and still am today. If you're the kind of person who may turn their head to Return to Oz and the entire Oz book library because of the bright cheeriness that was the first movie, keep in mind that it's that first film that was a major departure in mood to the source material. As much as I recommend the Oz stories, I also say you should check out Return to Oz if you enjoy the fantasy genre. Like I said for The Wizard of Oz, I believe the Disney sequel is different enough from its source material to avoid having "book better than the movie or vice-versa" arguments.

Differences between Ozma of Oz and Return to Oz:
-No magical slippers this time, those artifacts are replaced with the bejeweled belt.
-Jack Pumpkinhead, The Gump, The Powder of Life, and the storyline about the missing Ozma are carried over from The Marvelous Land of Oz.
-The Scarecrow, The Tin Woodman, and The Cowardly Lion didn't have as big of roles in the movie, the latter two's appearances could probably be called cameos.
-The Emerald City and the yellow brick road are shown torn asunder from chaos in the film, but they are unaffected in the book and only seen at the conclusion.
-I understand there are references to later Oz books in the movie, but I have yet to get that far in the series to call attention to them.

And that's just the way it is.

Journey Back to the Marvelous Land of Oz

2007-11-08T19:08:00.001-05:00

The children spoke and L. Frank Baum listened. His acclaimed book The Wonderful Wizard of Oz soon had its first of many sequels. Titled The Marvelous Land of Oz, we rejoin old friends and meet many bizarre new ones. Whilst the movie version of the first Oz story was a loose adaptation, the second story didn't fare so well in its transition to film. Elements of it were borrowed to create the animated Journey Back to Oz in 1974. No Dorothy this time around, a boy named Tippetarius (Tip for short) is the lead character.

Meet the main characters of the book:
Tip- A young man who tirelessly does chores for Old Mombi.
Old Mombi- Tip's guardian who buys many spells and potions in an effort to become a witch.
Jack Pumpkinhead- a scarecrow of sorts Tip built from tree parts, old clothes, and topped off with a pumpkin. Dimwitted, but occasionally has a good idea. Constantly worries about his head spoiling.
Sawhorse- an abandoned wooden sawhorse that Tip brings to life. Ridden by Jack Pumpkinhead so his shoddy limbs won't wear out.
General Jinjur- a young girl who has built an army of women who want to storm the Emerald City and rule the Land of Oz themselves.
His Majesty The Scarecrow- After being appointed King of Oz at the end of the first story, The Scarecrow finds his rule challenged by Jinjur's troops.
Nick Chopper The Tin Woodman- Now with a new name, the Emperor of Winkie Country rejoins his old friend Scarecrow to help him regain control of Oz.
Mr. Highly Magnified Woggle-Bug, Thoroughly Educated (H.M. Woggle-Bug, T.E.)- A large insect with great intellect, he helps come up with good ideas to aid Tip, Jack, Scarecrow, and Tin Woodman in their bid to reclaim the Emerald City.
The Gump- Brought back to life by the Powder of Life, the disembodied head of an elk-like creature is attached to a pair of sofas and given large leaves for wings. He is the main mode of transport for the group.
Ozma- The missing and true descendant for the rulership of Oz. In order to restore order to the land, Tip's party must locate her.

The story begins in the north section of Oz known as Gillikin Country. A young man named Tip makes a break for freedom from his cruel guardian Mombi. He brings along his creation Jack Pumpkinhead, who was brought to life by the Powder of Life, which is magic he stole from Mombi. Along the way, he also uses the powder on an abadoned sawhorse to act as Jack's steed. When Tip learns that an army wishes to seize control of the Emerald City and the whole Land of Oz in the process, he and Jack head to the city to warn its king, the Scarecrow. With the danger imminent, the king escapes with his new friends to join up with The Tin Woodman to lend a hand in restoring order. They also team with a large and genius Woggle-Bug who offers his great knowledge. The party decides the wise and powerful Good Witch of the South Glinda may have a plan to liberate the Emerald City from its captors. Glinda declares the only one who can rightfully rule Oz is the daughter of the King who was in power before The Wizard blew into town. So the mission is on to find the missing princess and finally restore Oz to its rightful ruler.

Much like the first story, the adventure takes place all over Oz, and there's no shortage of curiosities to behold. My favorite character in this installment is Jack Pumpkinhead for his amusing banter with the Scarecrow. As Jack is constantly worried about his fruit head being destroyed, Scarecrow always looks on the bright side by suggesting that he could make a good pie or his seeds could be used to produce more pumpkins. None of these things reassure Jack in the least. The story concludes with a twist that would make M. Night Shyamalan envious. So with an Oz-wide journey, cool new characters, light humor, and a clever ending, I highly recommend this story as I did for the previous installment.

In another example of "signs of the times", this story contains yet another word that meant one thing in the early 1900s, but has taken on a completely new meaning in the late 2000's. And it was a difference I wasn't even aware of. Apparently... ejaculate was another word for "shouting in an excited manner". Here's a sentence I could get away with a century ago but wouldn't dare say aloud now: "I may be a bit queer, but I'm gay about it! And I'll ejaculate it to anyone who has a problem with that!"

And... um... that's just the way it is.

The Lion King of the World

2007-11-08T18:37:00.001-05:00

I haven't been a fan of pro-wrestling since 2003, but I'll always dive into the biographies of wrestling personalities I've been familiar with during my fandom. One of my favorites is Chris Irvine, who has had many nicknames throughout his career. But they've always revolved around his most well known alias: Chris Jericho. A Lion's Tale: Around the World in Spandex is the tome encasing a majority of Jericho's life that you have and haven't seen on television.

From his beginnings as the son of hockey legend Ted Irvine to becoming a legend in his own right, Chris Jericho's life is a success story where he set his goal to become a World Wrestling Federation superstar, and accomplished that and so much more along the way. He went on a world-wide tour through countries like Canada, Mexico, Germany, Japan, and various locations within the United States to build experience and reputation. And a lot of crazy stuff went down wherever he went, which Jericho is only too happy to recount for you.

Chris began training in the Hart Brothers Pro Wrestling Camp, despite the fact there was hardly a single Hart present. Even though it wasn't quite the infamous Hart Dungeon of legend, he did eventually find himself down there, too. He graduated the school along with another standout named Lance Storm and the two traveled to many shows around Canada together, usually paired as a tag team. The future Paragon of Virtue eventually found his way to Mexico where he adopted his Lion Heart moniker. It wasn't long before his face was plastered in magazines and TV... oh, and in the hearts of fans of course. He also went to Germany to participate in a tournament that was poorly organized. He spent some time in the now defunct US promotion Smoky Mountain Wrestling. Then it was off to the pro-wrestling paradise of Japan, competing in the WAR promotion. He participated in prestigious tournaments and even joined the heel (bad guy) group that inspired the nWo.

Feeling he was finally ready to make it big in America, Chris Jericho entered the original incarnation of Extreme Championship Wrestling and spends a brief time speaking of the chaotic atmosphere, provided by the fans and head honcho Paul Heyman. He lasted there for half a year before signing with the number two, although soon to be number one, wrestling company in the States, World Championship Wrestling. While there, Jericho was not only a conspiracy victim in a storyline, but real life as well. No matter how great his matches were or the fan reaction he was raising, the powers that be in WCW just did not want to get behind him, instead sticking with their guns and keeping Hogan and the New World Order in the spotlight. Much like most wrestlers who spent considerable time in Dubya Say Dubya, Jericho isn't too kind towards former boss Eric Bischoff.

Besides his wrestling career, Jericho takes time to discuss family and friend tragedies, meeting the love of his life, and his numerous forays into the music world. The latter cultivated when he joined the band Fozzy Osbourne, now shortened to just FOZZY. Originally, they only did covers, but now they create original pieces.

A Lion's Tale is a great and lengthy read, odd considering he hardly touches base with his World Wrestling Entertainment career. It's where he attained supreme stardom. Could this possibly mean a book chronicling Y2J's rise from the savior of the World Wrestling Federation to the King of World Wrestling Entertainment? After all, at the time of this writing (blogging) he is ready to set back in the squared circle with the WWE.

Chew on this for a while: Jericho has worked for Jim Cornette, Paul Heyman, Eric Bischoff, and Vince McMahon. How's that for a mind-fuck? If you had put those guys in the same room together in the late 90's, you'd have what's known in wrestling as a "shoot" fight. That means theatrics go out the window and the fists fly for real.

The book is loaded with Jericho's attitude, told in his own words. And I do mean own words, as he uses plenty that he's made up himself. As a writer who does that himself, I applaud him. Chris Jericho became a larger than life superstar and a greater rock and roll wrestler than Hulk Hogan. Everything Terry Bollea can do, Chris Irvine can do better. Hell, this book is worth reading just to find out what Hogan asked Jericho at the end of Owen Hart's funeral.

After turning the last page in this story, I gained a whole new outlook on the professional wrestling scene outside my own country. It also gave credibility to a phrase birthed after the boom period of wrestling's popularity ended. "Wrestling: In Canada, it's a tradition. In Japan, it's a sport. In Mexico, it's a religion. In America, it's a joke."

And that's just the way it is.

Miles Edgeworth: Star Prosecutor

2007-11-08T18:15:00.003-05:00

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is the first in a series of court simulation games for Nintendo's dual screen hand held. Originally developed for Gameboy Advance in Japan, Capcom took a gamble and had them ported to the highly successful DS platform for an American release. They shipped out a very limited quantity as they were unsure if Westerners would go for this new take on the point and click genre. I guess since the rest of the series was quickly localized for our side of the ocean that it was received very well.

The instruction manual reminds the gamer that "All characters, laws, and legal matters in this game are works of fiction." Pay particular attention to the last two. The setting of this game is a few years in the future where the proceedings for court cases are a bit different. Trials for crimes are held pretty much the day after they are committed. Cases last for a maximum of three days, so both lawyers and prosecutors must dig up as much info on defendants and witnesses as they can to prepare for trials.

There's a colorful cast of characters, many whom have supporting roles in most of the cases featured in this game. You play the part of Nick "Phoenix" Wright, rookie attorney. He's smarter than you are, which can make playing difficult since you have to choose his actions. Then there's your arch-rival Miles Edgeworth, the headstrong star prosecutor who is rumored to go to any lengths to ensure a guilty verdict. Mia Fey is your boss and mentor, and her little sister Maya is a psychic-in-training who becomes your assistant. Another regular face you'll see is Dick Gumshoe, a slightly dimwitted but reliable detective who will give you valuable info on your cases.

The game is rated T for Teen for the following reasons:
-Suggestive Themes: Slight sexual innuendo from one witness in the second case, but nothing that will turn any youngins that play this into sexual deviants.
-Language: Damn and Hell. But never in the same sentence if that counts for anything.
-Blood: Each and every single case in this game is a murder charge. You'll see blood-stained evidence and cut scenes that show the murder as it happens. Nothing visceral, though.
-Violence: Goes hand in hand with murder, doesn't it?

There are five cases in all, but don't think you'll blow through this game in a day. Each takes a progressively longer time to complete. The first case is a tutorial of sorts, beginning and ending in one courtroom session. The following four cases take two to three days for a satisfying verdict to be reached. The usual process of a case is that you find a client convicted of a crime they claim they didn't commit. After interviewing him or her, you go to the scene of the crime, talk to people involved with the case and investigate the area. When you believe you have enough information to form a good defense in court, you enter the courtroom phase of the scenario and listen to witness testimonies. You try to look for holes in what they say and present gathered evidence to contradict them. If the judge feels there isn't a satisfying conclusion reached by the defense and the prosecutor, he will extend the case for another day. Based on the events that occurred in court, you get to go back into the world to question more people and snoop around more locations for evidence. This cycle continues until the maximum three days is reached, when a verdict must be rendered based on the finds of the defense and the prosecution.

It may sound boring by the way I explain it, but that's just an outline of how the game plays out. The characters are humorous and the courtroom proceedings are dramatic, and you'll oftentimes think that there's no way you can find your client not guilty and may even believe they are in fact cold-blooded killers. But soon you submit that one piece of substantial evidence that will break down an entire witness' case and you'll see your client in a whole different light.

Three words describe the gameplay of this game card: Reading, searching, and thinking. It's especially wordy during the court sessions, so it would be wise to save your game when you get to a point where you have to present evidence. You see, the only way to get a game over in Phoenix Wright is if you incorrectly try to contradict a witness' testimony five times. If that happens, you start over at the beginning of that day's court proceedings. That may not seem like a big deal, but due to all the text you have to go through, plus remembering which parts of a testimony to either press on or present evidence on, it can be a lengthy and tedious process to return to where you were before you last lost. But when you save with a few tries left, and end up losing them all, you can go back to the case at the exact moment you last saved, hopefully a bit wiser than you were before.

I personally loved this game, but if you prefer a lot of action to reading and thinking, you may have a different experience. Since this game is long out of print, you should be able to pick it up at a bargain price at a used games outlet. If this review is enough to pique your interest, then playing the actual game will demand your attention until the last case is solved. And guess what? At the time of this writing, there are two other Phoenix Wright titles available now, with another on the horizon. I also hear there's a Phoenix Wright manga that is being imported from Japan, localized in English, and sold on our shores sometime soon. You may hate lawyers, but you'll love Phoenix Wright.

The only one you'll hate at the end of it all is that fucking judge.

And that's just the way it is.

The Wizard of Oz: The Book

2007-11-04T22:13:00.001-05:00

Like many great Hollywood films of this year, yesteryear, and probably next year, beloved classic The Wizard of Oz was adapted from a book. Written by L. Frank Baum in 1900, when queer meant strange and gay meant happy, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz was meant to be a modern fairytale devoid of all the depressing endings of Grimm's classics. They weren't called "Grimm" for nothing. If you only know this tale by the similarly titled movie, you'd probably be surprised to know that it's only the first of FOURTEEN stories that took place in the fantastic world of Oz. The only known sequels to the The Wizard of Oz film are the animated Journey Back to Oz and Return to Oz, the latter being one of my favorite movies. Walt Disney Studios, who produced Return to Oz, never took advantage of the cash cow the Oz series could have been. I'm not sure who holds the film rights to the books now, but I feel if they could get their act together they could produce a movie franchise of Lord of the Rings proportions.

There is always a debate about whether or not the book a movie is derived from is the superior version, but I feel The Wizard of Oz is different enough to stand on its own. While the movie is a whimsical musical, the original work is a darker tale full of unknown danger and amazing discoveries. Let's examine some of the unique qualities of the book:
-More oddball lands to explore and the citizens who reside in them.
-The Wicked Witch of the West isn't the "be all to end all" evil here.
-The Cowardly Lion is a real lion, and still talks.
-Glinda is the witch of the south, not the north, and only plays a part in the end.
-The slippers are silver rather than ruby.
-Descriptive origins of Scarecrow, Tin Woodman, and the Lion, as well as what they do with their lives at the conclusion.
-The Land of Oz is real as opposed to a dream.
-The story is far from over after the Wizard takes off in the balloon. If Metro Goldwyn Myer wanted to faithfully adapt the pages to celluloid, the movie would have been at least four hours as opposed to 103 minutes. And it's not even wordy padding either, there's a lot more to the adventure than you've ever seen.

There are countless more differences between the two versions to make the book worth checking out for fans of the movie. I also wholly recommend the book to people who are fans of the fantasy genre itself. Personally, I'm not that big a fan of the movie, but the book it's based on I can't suggest for you to check out enough. Even though it was written at the start of the twentieth century, it doesn't contain any old-time words that have fallen into disuse. It's easy enough for today's children to understand, but a great read for all ages.

And that's just the way it is.

Super Mario Lands On Gameboy

2007-10-11T18:31:00.002-04:00

Sarasaland has been taken over by a slimy extraterrestrial named Tatanga. He has kidnapped Princess Daisy with the intention of marrying her and brainwashed the inhabitants to do his bidding. The plumber with a passion for princesses known as Mario decides to further his heroic resume by purging this land of evil.

Mario must venture through four kingdoms, each comprised of three stages, that make up Sarasaland.
-Birabuto is a desert land populated by insects that hop around, as well as fly and drop spears. You'll head into the treetops as you make your way to an Egyptian styled temple, decorated with hieroglyphics and guarded by a fire spewing lion named King Totomesu.
-Muda is a water land with spaceships and robots that launch their heads at you. Fish bones and sea horses that spit fireballs will leap out of the water to try and take you out. The last stage lets you navigate a submarine known as the Marine Pop, utilizing torpedoes to take out aquatic adversaries and the boss, a sea dragon named Dragonzamasu, who spits (apparently water-proof) fireballs at you.
-Easton features enemies that take after the legendary moai statues of Easter Island. There are stone heads that hop with wings, and others with arms that chase after you with great speed. After navigating two spider-infested temples, you'll encounter a boulder-chucking moai called Hiyoihoi.
-Chai may as well stand for "chinese", because it has a very Asian atmosphere to it, from the music to the background design. There are demons that hop around and pop back up after being stomped on, as well as walking plants that spit deadly seeds into the air. You'll take to the skies in the final leg of your journey in a plane called the Sky Pop, which controls like the Marine Pop you rode in previously. The boss in the sky is a bird-dispensing cloud called Biokinton. Upon evaporating it, Tatanga immediately appears to try and stop Mario himself.

The only familiar series character in this game is Mario. There's also foes that resemble Goombas, Koopa Troopas, Piranha Plants, and Bullet Bills but they are known as Chibibo, Nokobon, Pakkun Flower, and Gira. The turtle-oids in this outing have bombs on their backs rather than shells, so you best clear out after stomping them. The only lasting feature to come out of this game is the introduction of Princess Daisy, the damsel in distress this time around. She also does the old "your princess is in another castle" routine, except instead of rescuing her servants, you find a mock Daisy that morphs into an enemy and flees.

Power-ups in this adventure include Super Mushrooms, a flower that gives you a ricocheting Superball rather than fireballs, and an invincibility star that plays The Can Can when it's caught. 1ups are represented by hearts instead of mushrooms.

This entry in the Mario series occurs between Super Mario Bros. 2 and Super Mario Bros. 3. For the first and probably last time, a Mario title launched simultaneously with a new game console was overshadowed. Although you'll understand why because the other title was none other than Tetris, making its handheld debut and usually included in the package of the Gameboy unit itself.

The graphics aren't recycled sprites from the first Mario game, save for the Super Mario sprites. This makes it feel like you're in a whole different land instead of a rearranged Mushroom Kingdom. Nice game to blow through in about half an hour if you're good at it. The music is memorable and upbeat. Besides its short length, the major gripe about this game is how it controls. Hit detection seems to be a bit off, especially if you try bopping multiple foes at once. Mario also falls a lot faster than he did in the original Super Mario Bros., making it slightly harder to land on smaller surfaces after a jump.

And that's just the way it is.

The Rock's Game Plan

2007-10-04T20:17:00.001-04:00

The Game Plan is the latest movie of pro-wrestler turned actor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, this one put out by Walt Disney Pictures. This is Disney's latest attempt to take rough 'n tough action film bad asses and cast them in humbling roles. Remember The Pacifier? First it was Vin Diesel singing a lullaby, now it's The Rock in a ballet. Eh, he's had less macho roles before. Remember his gay bodyguard character in Be Cool? That's not a knock either, he was absolutely FABULOUS in that movie. Anyway, since I'm such a mark for The Rock, I had to see this.

I used a gift certificate to pay for my ticket... it's been years since I actually used cash to for one. Even though The Game Plan was #1 in the box office the previous weekend, the theater was empty except for a father and son who came in just as the open credits started. This movie review outlines most of the movie, so don't read any further if you plan on watching it soon.

The Scorpion King is now Joe Kingman, a star football player for a fictional team called The Boston Rebels. He has state-of-the-art furnishings for his apartment, a trophy girlfriend, million dollar endorsements, and the love of the fans. One thing he appears to be lacking, a notion reinforced by one of his married with children teammates, is a stable companion. Evidently, his girlfriend seems to enjoy going on extended trips to places like Paris. All this changes one day when the doorman for the apartment complex calls Joe to inform him that a cute girl wishes to see him. Naturally Joe tells him to send her up. When he opens the door, he looks down to see a kid named Peyton who claims to be his daughter. Shocked, Kingman denies having a child until he remembers a romantic interlude he had with an old flame right before breaking up with her. Peyton claims that her mother is in Africa doing charity work and sent her to meet her estranged father with the intention of him playing the part of babysitter.

Totally unprepared for the responsibility of parenthood (that's right folks, The Rock "doesn't know his role"), Kingman does everything from trying out a babysitter to enrolling her in ballet class. The teacher of the ballet school, a Puerto Rican doll named Monique, is unimpressed with Kingman's fame and insists that he take an active role in an upcoming performance. He reluctantly goes along with it and discovers that the training regimine of the petite and nimble ballerinas is enough to reduce Kingman into an aching, sweaty lump. As time goes on, Monique becomes more and more enamored with Joe's commitment to his daughter. Good thing too, because Joe's other flame doesn't seem particularly thrilled with the revelation of a secret daughter.

While at a restaurant, Peyton has an allergic reaction to nuts, causing Kingman to rush her to the hospital on foot, as heavy traffic conditions would have made waiting for an ambulance too time consuming. While she recuperates, a woman named Karen shows up claiming to be Peyton's guardian, and she's none too happy with some of Kingman's heavily publicized parenting mistakes, as well as the current hospital situation. It appears that Peyton's mother died in a car accident six months earlier, and appointed her sister to look after her daughter. It turns out that Karen was the one who went to Africa and sent Peyton to stay at a local ballet academy. However, Peyton took it upon herself to divert her cab to drop her off with her father instead so she could get to know him. With Peyton feeling better, Karen returns home with her.

The finale of the movie involves the Boston Rebels in a championship game, giving Kingman the chance to win something that's eluded him his entire career, and that's the championship ring. But Joe's heart isn't into it now that his daughter is no longer with him. Not only does he perform poorly, but a rough tackle appears to be enough to take him out of the game. Watching the game on television, Karen decides that Peyton belongs with her father after all, and takes her to the stadium to give him the confidence boost that he needs. Kingman forces himself not only back onto the field, but with the rigor that made him the most acclaimed star in the sport. The Boston Rebels do win the game in the end, but Kingman wins something even more important, and that's a family.

This movie must have been custom made for The People's Champion. Rock is a former football star with college team the Miami Hurricanes. The Joe Kingman character is also shown to be a major Elvis fan, much like The Rock. Those of you who are fans of both Elvis and Rock's melodic vocal chords should be happy that he sings a little bit of The King in this movie, even strumming a guitar. And much like his days back in World Wresting Entertainment, Rock and Kingman are the biggest stars for their respective industries. When all is said and done, this Disney family film exhibits the value of family and teamwork. Only go to this movie if you're ready to learn life lessons.

Overall, a great film. And unless I missed it... there was no People's Eyebrow anywhere in this film. So if I was grading it, I'd take off a point.

And that's just the way it is.

Varan The Underrated

2007-09-30T14:17:00.001-04:00

A Siberian butterfly is discovered by a student in a remote region of Japan. This prompts two researchers to head there to do further research. They pass a desolate village where the villagers shy away from the newcomers. They venture into a forest nearby and are able to find another of the red-tailed butterflies. But they also discover something much larger. Or rather, it discovers them.
The institute that the two explorers came from learn that the men were killed, and even more distressingly, their jeep was crushed. So of course three other people (Kenji, Yuriko the reporter, and a camera man) have to go to that exact same area to find out what happened. This time the villagers are found within the forest engaged in some sort of religious ceremony, where they beg "Baradagi" for forgiveness after it was enraged by the trespassing explorers days earlier. However, Kenji denounces their God as superstition, despite the monstrous roar that would occasionally blast through the air. I'm just saying that it didn't sound like thunder, folks. The dog ("CHIBEE! CHIBEE!") of one of the younger villagers runs past a fence marking "the point of no return", prompting his owner to give chase. The village priest forbids any of the other villagers to go after them, lest they anger Baradagi further. But the research group, unafraid of the unknown, decide to rescue them. When they return and declare the boy is safe, the villagers decide that maybe their God isn't real after all, and decide to head out after him. They come upon the bank of a lake, the surface of which begins to foam. The recently converted disbelievers stare in horror as a large reptilian head pokes out of the water. It turns out their "god" is in fact real, and they run for their lives. All except the priest, who tries to repel the fifty meter tall reptile by frantically waving a religious instrument (stick) at him. He is crushed by falling trees. Kenji dubs the monster Varan, a species of dinosaur that somehow managed to survive into the present. Well, the present of 1958. In retaliation for his disturbed sleep, Varan levels the village, then returns to his lake.
Instead of cordoning off the entire lake and leaving the monster in peace so that it won't go on another destructive rampage, the Japanese Special Defense Force decides it would be wiser to agitate Varan out of his lake and destroy it. Because it worked so well against Godzilla (two of them), Anguirus, and Rodan. Of course, it doesn't. The cannon shells explode harmlessly off Varan's skin, prompting everyone to retreat as the spiked dinosaur looked for revenge. After the humans eluded Varan's grasp, they figured it would once again return home. However, it instead climbed a nearby mountain, raised it's arms to reveal flaps of skin connected from his arms to his legs, and proceeded to glide away into the distance.
Varan surfaces in the sea, heading towards Tokyo. Helicopters and battleships are deployed, but their efforts to stop him are futile. Meanwhile, a new type of dynamite is revealed that packs a punch powerful enough to crumble mountains. But it works best if detonated inside its target. The triphibian kaiju eventually surfaces at Japan's capital city and shrugs off firepower from the tanks and missile launchers awaiting his visit. A truck full of the experimental explosive is planted in Varan's path, and when it explodes under him, it seemingly knocks him out. Only for a moment, however, as the creature rises once more and starts his destructive march towards Tokyo's heart. Flares are fired above Varan's head in order to distract him, but it decides to eat them instead. This gives the JSDF the idea of attaching the dynamite to flares so that it can reach its full potential inside of their foe's stomach. The flares are fired, and Varan apparently enjoyed the searing sensation of fire on his tongue as he gulps down two more of them. When one bomb goes off, the creature collapses and begins to stumble back towards the ocean. As soon as he is submerged, a large explosion erupts from the waves, and Japan decides the great Varan is no more.

We are led to assume that Varan died at the conclusion of the film, but the explosion was far bigger in the water than it was when we saw it explode inside the kaiju. My guess is that, whilst in the water and unseen from our eyes, Varan must have purged the second bomb. Why not, as the first explosion inside his stomach would probably have made him vomit anyway. You can't have something blow up inside you without feeling the need to hack something up. You could back up this theory with Varan's appearance in the all-star monster bash Destroy All Monsters, although most feel that this is a separate creature. He makes a very brief cameo and doesn't do anything important except enable the producers to boast a larger kaiju count in this flick. Advertising eleven monsters rather than ten will guarantee you an additional $5,000 in revenue. Since Varan's self-titled movie was in black in white, it isn't until DAM that we learn that he is a sort of tan color. I think he would look better in purple, which was how he was portrayed in the first Godzilla title for the Nintendo Entertainment System. Am I getting off track here or what?

Varan has a back story that resembles that of King Kong. He is an unseen god feared by the residents of a village who hold religious ceremonies, hoping to appease him. Even the film's main theme, scored by genre favorite Akira Ifukube, features drum beats and chanting one would expect to be used in worshipping an ancient deity.

Varan can travel by land, sea, and air. If only he could actually fly and burrow underground, he'd have all the bases covered. Usually crawling on his hands and knees out of water, he moves slow on land. And I mean sloooooooooooooooooooooooooow. It's a good thing he can swim and glide, because that's when he really cruises. He walks so slow that during the scene where the army retreats from the failed ambush at his lake, the female lead stumbles around, gets pinned under a fallen tree, and is rescued by the male lead after he went searching through the forest for her when he made it back to the village and noticed she wasn't there. All before Varan could even get to the girl when she wasn't that far away from him in the first place.

I like to think Godzilla and Varan are related. Both are deemed to be dinosaurs (in the Toho universe) long thought to be extinct. They both have spikes along their backs. Their roars sound similar. They spend their off-time underwater and are quite adept at land travel. The difference lies in the fact that Godzilla was... I guess you could say "lucky" enough to be exposed to nuclear fallout. The results of that are the ability to spew a radioactive beam and being indestructible. As far as kaiju go, Varan is one of the more brilliant. Unlike monsters like Godzilla, who just marches forward and only tramples what's in his path, and King Ghidorah, who mostly flies above cities and fires his beams indiscriminately, Varan seems to actually pick targets and hone in on them. This is seen when he first attacks the small village close to his home, as he purposefully crushes each house. It's almost as if he knew he knew that his antagonizers resided there, and was paying them back for disturbing his own dwelling. With the job done, Varan returns to the lake instead of aimlessly wandering around to cause senseless destruction.

Final note: A DVD behind the scenes feature shows that the spikes on the Varan suit are nothing more than cut pieces of hose. Talk about destroying an illusion.

And that's just the way it is.

Godzilla Returns... In A New Medium

2007-09-30T12:14:00.001-04:00

Godzilla Returns is the first in a four (almost five) novel series by Marc Cerasini. All are original stories featuring an all-star cast of kaiju that have co-starred with Godzilla over the years. Published in 1996, but set in 1998, this book takes place 44 years after Godzilla's first rampage in Tokyo back in 1954 (in case you didn't want to do the math). Apparently the events of the Showa or the Heisei era of Godzilla films didn't take place in what we'll refer to as The Cerasini Era. So things have been quiet in the near half-century since the kaiju king last appeared. This particular book seems reminiscent of the movie The Return of Godzilla, or Godzilla 1985 on our side of the ocean (if you're reading this in America). Aside from the similar sounding title, Godzilla is the sole monster in this book, who awakens and revisits his old stomping ground of Tokyo.

A Russian nuclear submarine is crushed by a U.S.O. (unidentified swimming object, I made that up) after their missile defense and evasive maneuvers fail. Excavators observe that the radiation emitted from the "decommissioned" sub is gone and can offer no explanation on what occurred. Two years later, more unexplained ocean disasters take place, but it isn't until one such wreck leaves survivors behind that the world discovers that Godzilla lives.

Brian Shimura is a a young Japanese-American who has lived in the United States for his entire life. It's when his late father beckoned him to revisit his homeland that Brian decided to take up a newspaper internship at INN (Independent News Network) in Tokyo. He meets American teenager Nick Gordon, a science correspondent in training at INN who is also going to be his roommate. While Brian doesn't have much of a distinct personality, Nick is a brash and girl-crazy delinquent. I suppose the writer expected the reader to get into a character like this, but you'll probably hate him.

The day following an evening of experiencing the Tokyo nightlife, Brian meets May McGovern, the boss' personal assistant who we discover is the former love interest of Nick. May introduces Brian to Everett "Boss Gaijin" Endicott III, the chief of the Tokyo news bureau. It turns out that the boss hates Nick Gordon as much as you will by the time the book ends. Then Brian meets Yoshi Masahara, a young Japanese man who is one of the best cameramen on their side of the Pacific.

As soon as the Japanese government learns that Godzilla has been causing trouble in the Sea of Japan, Brian, Nick and Yoshi are secretly put on assignment to cover the monster's advance. A meeting is held in Endicott's office, and we are introduced to the world's two top Godzilla experts: molecular biologist Dr. Hiroshi Nobeyama and Admiral Maxwell B. Willis, who turns out to be Brian's uncle. After a briefing by Dr. Nobeyama's assistant, Lieutenant Emiko Takado, the crew is relocated to a research vessel in the Sea of Japan to monitor the King of the Monsters as he does battle with the Japanese Self-Defense Force. The radioactive dinosaur is unfazed by the barrage of missiles and gunfire by the various ships and helicopters, and the attack is called off after he destroys a few of them.

A meeting is held where Dr. Nobeyama concludes his theory that conventional weapons can't harm Godzilla are correct. Meanwhile, the gigantic antagonist finally lands on the Japanese island of Honshu, where the army opposes him with shells full of cadmium, a substance used to contain nuclear fires. But both those and napalm attacks did little more than to enrage the Big G as he fought back and took away the lives and habitats of thousands of Japanese.

After they were split up to cover Godzilla's path of destruction from different angles, Brian, Nick, Yoshi, and Lt. Takado are reunited. However, it is only temporary as Brian and Nick are fired from INN, Endicott claiming that it was a measure to be taken to protect both their lives as well as their imminently successful futures. But instead of taking a helicopter back home as they were ordered, Nick and Brian hop in a car to follow Godzilla's expected march through Tokyo. The monster finally does emerge in Tokyo Bay and trashes the Self-Defense Forces' pitiful attempts at repelling him, including knocking down a barrier of high-tension wires that we've seen used against him so many times before. The story details the chase of the two former INN interns as they "tail" Godzilla at close range and the high danger they face. The living nuclear weapon soon takes out Tokyo Tower, where a small crew of INN reporters, camera people, and Yoshi Masahara were broadcasting. Nick and Brian soon come upon INN Headquarters, now nothing more than a pile of rubble. There they discover Endicott, who said he sent everyone home except for May McGovern, who was in the building when it collapsed. Nick and Brian dig through the debris to find her and they manage to pull her out of the elevator where she was safely trapped. A helicopter containing Yoshi, who managed to escape Tokyo Tower before its collapse, sets up a camera to broadcast a final news report.

Since they failed to convince various politicians and special interest groups about Godzilla's powers and intentions earlier, Dr. Nobeyama and Admiral Willis secretly concocted a plan that they were certain would lure Godzilla away from their homeland. A device which imitated the call of birds was loaded onto a plane and flown over the invincible kaiju. Godzilla's brain, like that of dinosaurs in which they are bird-like, started to follow the plane as Nobeyama and Willis flew towards the Mariana Trench. They dive bombed into the water, taking both their lives and Godzilla with them.

All in all, a very worthy edition to Godzilla lore, although it does exist in its own chronology. As I said before, you can tell Marc Cerasini is a fan of the big guy and it shows. You'll probably want to read the three sequels, especially since familiar kaiju from the movies show up in droves. Bob Eggleton, himself a major Godzilla fan, created a fantastic cover for this and most other Random House books for this franchise. Cerasini does an awesome job describing what it feels like to take a direct hit from Godzilla's radioactive breath. Burning clothes, melting skin, the works. It's a slow and painful death that will make you wish you were squished under his massive foot instead.

There are some homages paid to the scenes that American distributors inserted into the films Godzilla and The Return of Godzilla when there were released in the States. For those who aren't in the know, Raymond Burr's Steve Martin character is not in the original Japanese films. Anyway, Nick Gordon makes reference to a movie documentary and book based upon Steve Martin's point of view during Godzilla's original invasion. It even mentions that Martin was portrayed by Burr in the documentary. And as a nod to Major McDonahue in the 1985 rendition, he occasionally refers to the Big G as "Wonder Lizard", giving you another reason to hate Nick Gordon.

Most of Godzilla's journey takes place in the ocean, starting with his awakening, his initial destruction of several commuter and fishing boats, his first assault with the JSDF, and the instances when he was completely submerged, leaving the world wondering where he would strike next. Joe Mauceri of World of Fandom calls it "a high-sea adventure" and "an homage to Herman Melville's Moby Dick", in which the big black leviathan is a stand in for the big white whale. Once again drawing comparisons to The Return of Godzilla is the ending, although there is the slight twist of the heroes who utilized the bird-call device sacrificing themselves.

And in what can be seen as a sad ending, main character Brian is the only one who doesn't end up with an Asian girlfriend, and for that, he has my highest level of sympathy.

And that's just the way it is.

My Kaiju Credentials

2007-09-17T19:49:00.000-04:00

My first interaction with Godzilla came with a small action figure I'm sure most boys had as children, the seven inch tall green monstrosity with bloody lips and a silver chest. I was a mere toddler when I first acquired it, and it wasn't till my preteen years where I decided to explore the world behind this plastic articulated doll.

The first Godzilla film I ever watched was Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla, followed by Godzilla vs. Gigan and Godzilla 1985. That's all the local video rental store had. I began to amass my own library of Godzilla titles by buying VHS copies of movies such as Godzilla vs. Megalon and Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster, and recording titles such as Godzilla vs. Monster Zero and Son of Godzilla off of TV. Eventually I had every single movie featuring Godzilla or one of his well known monster allies like Mothra and Rodan. Now with the advent of that new-fangled technology Digital Versatile Discs I'm buying them all over again. At least these copies won't wear out and sometimes feature subtitles. True fans watch their kaiju flicks with original Japanese tracks.

Favorite Kaiju: Godzilla, Gigan, Biollante, and Varan
Favorite Godzilla Movies: Godzilla vs. Biollante, Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II, and Godzilla.
Favorite Godzilla Era: Heisei

Perhaps as a testament to my Godzilla fandom, I tied for first place with two others in a 1998 Godzilla trivia contest on America Online. This remains as one of my life's great accomplishments 26 years later. The contest was held mostly to promote the American Godzilla movie that came out that year. You know, the one featuring the mutated iguana that is mostly reviled by fans and non-fans of Godzilla movies alike. But the triva questions, I think ten, were mostly about the Japanese series. Questions about Mechagodzilla's weight and what other book did Marc Cerasini, who created a series of original Godzilla books, write? I was mostly aided by a book I owned called The Official Godzilla Compendium, a treasure-trove of information about "The Living Nuclear Weapon". My prize consisted of Godzilla-centered literature, such as a few books by the aforementioned Cerasini and Scott Ciencin, a "making of" book for the American Godzilla movie, and even the novelization of that very movie. Also, another copy of the Compendium. I guess I wasn't supposed to have my own before partaking in the contest.

Let me talk more about the prize. In the mid-90's, publisher Random House received the rights from Toho, Godzilla's movie studio, to publish original books based on their kaiju franchise. The powers that be turned the pen to authors Scott Ciencin and Marc Cerasini to craft whole new adventures for the King of the Monsters. To my knowledge, this is the first instance of original Godzilla books for an American audience only.

Scott Ciencin's stories were written with the younger crowd in mind, featuring children costarring with the large lovable lizard lug. It's been a long time since I read them, but I do recall them being serviceable for its audience. But as I wasn't in the target age group, I can indeed confirm they were for a younger crowd, who I'm sure loved the book.

Then there's Marc Cerasini, an accomplished author and lifelong Godzilla fan who was given the job of writing a different set of books for an older audience. Books based on the concept of giant monsters smashing Japanese cities? Without any pictures? The results of this project had the potential to suck very badly if they turned it over to someone who saw the kaiju (giant monster) genre as nothing more than men-in-latex-monster-costumes tromping through cardboard sets of mock buildings. The dialogue would probably have been as horrendous as the dubbing for the American release of Godzilla 2000, where they substituted the original lines for awful tripe. But as you read Cerasini's take on "G", you discover that the author actually cares for what he writes instead of going for a quick n' easy cash-in, because we all know Godzilla fans would have laid down a paper Lincoln portrait for this book before knowing if it were worth it. I know I would have. But since this was only the first in a series, if we didn't like it, why the hell would we buy its sequels? And why the hell is spell checker telling me that "dialogue" is spelled incorrectly?

Speaking of books with pictures, there's also my small collection of Godzilla comics. Two different series created by two different comic houses (Marvel and Dark Horse) in two different time periods (1977-1979 and 1987-1999). In Marvel land, a green Godzilla with back fins who breathed real fire as opposed to to a radioactive beam surfaces in the United States and goes on a country-wide tour throughout its 24 issues, where he encounters quite a few well-known Marvel heroes. Dark Horse featured a correctly drawn Godzilla who faces a new myriad of monsters, as well as being sent through time to experience key events in human history. I only have a few issues from each series, but I am looking to expand my collection.

I can't claim to be a "hardcore" kaiju-phile. I couldn't tell you the names of the actors that performed as the monsters, nor can I remember the real and on-screen names of the supporting cast of humans. I do know a horde of info about the actual movies and monsters themselves. The whole reason for this blog entry is sort of an introduction to what will be a host of reviews of Godzilla's films and books. And to show off my qualifications.

And that's just the way it is.

The Brotherhood

2007-09-06T20:14:00.001-04:00

Let's spend a little time talking about a man of greatness. A man of humor. A man of art. A man noble enough to know winning isn't everything and when to call a truce for the betterment of all. His name? James Gannon. This is his story.

The first submission to my web site's Official Listing of James Gannons was e-mailed to me on behalf of his friend Daniel Ryan. He describes James as "idiosyncratic, funny, and can be and a prince of a guy." He's an artist from New York. Dan tells me James is a renaissance man. An artist, thank God. Clearly a credit to J.G.s everywhere. On behalf of James Gannons worldwide, whether they be in America or Ireland... welcome.

This blog entry is pretty much over. Don't bother reading the rest. Trust me, I know what's coming. (The author of this blog would like to warn you that he is about to ramble about a topic of interest to nobody.)

A little known fact (because I haven't told anyone) is that I only started the listing because an unknown entity owned the web domain jamesgannon.com. From 1996 all the way to 2006 when I finally registered my own site at james-gannon.com, it was owned by a mysterious someone who did absolutely nothing with his domain during that time. Today, it's owned by a real estate agent. Maybe some day, Mr. Jim Gannon of Schiller Real Estate may join my prestigious list. Or I may exclude him out of spite. No... I don't want to seem racist against my own people. The James Gannon race. But wait, he clearly identifies himself as "Jim" Gannon, so I can leave him out. But "Jim" is a variation of "James", isn't it?

The original directory of people whom I shared my name with was tucked away on the bottom of my bio page. I also decided to just call it the "Listing" instead of "Rankings", because I don't want a war to erupt amongst us. So I'll just list them as I find them. But I'm also putting myself on the top of the list. Why?

Scroll down lower and I'll tell you.

Because it's my site, damn it. What started merely as a gag could have some good potential. James Gannons are not just members of society. We ARE society.

And that's just the way it is.

Penny Arcade is Weird/Bischoff Creates Cash

2007-09-04T21:35:00.001-04:00

With a fifty dollar gift card for Barnes & Noble I received for my birthday, I headed down to the bookstore to cash in my prize. Which store? Is your reading comprehension really that bad?

Read in a couple of days was Penny Arcade Volume 4: Birds Are Weird. The latest compilation of strips for obscenely popular web comic Penny Arcade archives their works from the year 2003 A.D. Much like their previous graphic novel titles, such as Attack of the Bacon Robots, there is no commentary about the oddities of our avian adversaries, just cover art where our heroes keep a cautious eye on a lone pigeon.

Highlights of this volume include: Cardboard Tube Samurai epics, the grand voyage of Fruit Fucker, Charles chicanery, N-Gage bashing, and Electronics Boutique's (now Gamestop) war veteran manager Frank adding Gabe's pants to what must be a grand collection. But perhaps most important, the Pac-Man watch changes wrists again! One of my favorite comics regards wholly defunct gaming company Acclaim's... "claim" to cease its support for Nintendo's Gamecube gaming system. "That was awful nice of them," chimes Gabe.

The second book I tackled was mammoth sized. So big that it took me FIVE DAYS to read. However, when I finished reading Controversy Creates Ca$h, by Jeremy Roberts, I only wished it was longer. CCC is the biography of ultra-successful business man Eric Bischoff, an individual heralded by those who know him and despised by those who don't.

The book chronicles Eric's life from its humble beginnings in Detroit, all the way to the end of his tenure as General Manager for World Wrestling Entertainment's RAW brand. Sandwiched in between were such jobs as owning his own landscaping company, an overachieving salesman, creating televsion shows, and even crafting a kid's game. Not to mention his stint with Verne Gagne's American Wrestling Association to his meteoric rise in World Championship Wrestling.

The majority of Controversy is the touching story of boy finds company, boy gets company, boy loses company. Much like his early years as President of WCW, Eric pulls no punches when it comes to describing his co-workers, both past and present. He calls it like he sees it and tells his side of the story on such matters like the firing of Steve Austin, why Nitro debuted head to head with RAW, and what went wrong when Hulk Hogan was "fired" at Bash at the Beach 2000. Chances are high that you're a wrestling fan if you purchase this book, and you won't be disappointed with the content. Unless you're expecting a lot of accounts of locker room mischief. Bischoff instead focuses on the corporate world of Turner (which was bought out by Time Warner, which is bought out by AOL), which turns out was far more hectic and political than a roster of wrestlers jockeying for position.

Like all biographies from controversial sports figures, you should be leery on whether or not all the accounts are presented factually. Maybe the book's subject padded some of the negative claims made about them. For years, the Internet Wrestling Community has been doing everything in their power to discredit the man they unaffectionately referred to as "Uncle Eric", and now for the first time, Bischoff is afforded the chance to clear his name.

The book has been criticized for shining a heavenly light on World Wrestling Entertainment's CEO Vince McMahon. Maybe if they read it past the prologue, they would have found that Eric not only gloats about his Nitro beating McMahon's RAW in the ratings for a year and a half, but also takes credit for the WWE's current winning formula. Maybe there's a chance that two successful business men have respect for each other?

Final warning: Reading this book will likely change your negative opinions on Mr. Bischoff. If my review was too pro-Bischoff for you, may I recommend you check out Ric Flair's To Be The Man. The Nature Boy sucker punches Eric while he's on the phone in that one.

Now I just need to decide what to spend the remaining $15.82 balance on my gift card on.

And that's just the way it is.

Metroid Classic

2007-08-22T22:16:00.001-04:00

About a decade after its initial release, I finally conquered Samus Aran's debut adventure in the Metroid franchise.

Despite owning a Nintendo Entertainment System about a year or two after it surfaced on American shores, much like Godzilla does in Japan, I had very little Metroid experience. Sure, I've had a few rounds with it because a friend of mine had a copy, but I didn't get my own cart until the NES passed the torch to its super successor. It was a cheap purchase, but didn't get much of my attention in lieu of other games. The reason I never gave it the full play through it deserved is because... well, it was too difficult.

That wasn't the only chance I was offered to delve into the planet Zebes to splatter The Mother Brain. Nintendo gave players a chance to play Metroid if they hooked Gamecube's Metroid Prime up to Game Boy Advance's Metroid Fusion. Also, another GBA release called Metroid: Zero Mission, a remake of the original, rewarded you with the NES version upon completion of the game. But I never felt the desire to go old-school with Samus until only a few days ago.

My chosen vehicle for excavating Zebes was Zero Mission. Anyone who's familiar with the franchise knows that all games beginning with Super Metroid featured an in-game map, because every mission Samus accepts takes her through an underground labyrinth. But as I said, "beginning with Super Metroid". Metroid 1 didn't offer you such a luxury, the game was one of the earliest releases of the NES era that even required you to enter a 24 character password in order to continue your progress after turning the system off. So what would you have to do in order to find your way through the vast tunnels of Zebes? Grab a pencil and paper and map it out yourself! That's not a bad thing for the most part, mapping your progress was enjoyable. However, even that couldn't save you as you continued further into the game.

Arguably the worst aspect of Metroid was its repetitiveness. When you reach the areas known as Norfair and Hideout I, you begin to experience deja vu, as well as deja vu of the deja vu you already had. That's because the corridors within each section feature the exact same layout, from the positioning of the obstacles to the enemies featured within. So while you're making a map while traversing identical locations, you start wondering if you already charted that area before, rendering your personal guide useless. But this being the 21st century, there's always the Internet and its vast resources to help you out. I cheated a bit and headed to GameFAQs to look for a more trustworthy map just to find out where the hell I was going wrong in Kraid's Hideout. I noticed I missed quite a few valuable tools during my initial journey through Norfair because there was a small piece of floor I failed to bomb that would grant me access to the nether regions of that place. So I back-tracked, collected the missing upgrades, and then straightened myself out on the path to Brinstar's boss.

Another aspect that can be perceived as a flaw at first is the high difficulty level when you first start off on your Metroid murdering mission. You get a weak little beam that's fine for taking out the crawling Zoomers and dive-bombing Rios of Brinstar, but when you advance further and meet up with the thicker-skinned residents of Norfair, such as Gerutas and Multiviolas, it's best to freeze them and continue on because they're powerful enough to weaken you with only a few attacks. And if you die, you're resurrected with only a measly 30 health units, which will only let you survive two hits from more powerful enemies. Novice players will probably forget that missiles are good for offense as well as opening a few red doors, so they'll probably want to conserve them. But let me tell you that a lot of enemies drop missile refills upon defeat, so go ahead and blow those critters to smithereens. It'll make your trek much easier until you can equip yourself with the Hi Jump Boots, Varia Suit, Screw Attack, and Wave Beam. Then you'll be tearing through aliens... excuse me, extraterrestrials, in no time.

So if you can accurately chart your progress and survive the frustration of getting knocked around repeatedly by pipe bugs and hopping monsters, Metroid is a pretty fun game. But I highly recommend the upgraded version Zero Mission because it solves the problem of repeating corridors by cutting down on them and offering more variety, and low and behold, comes with an automatic map feature that keeps track of where you've been and where you're going if you download data from key rooms within each region of Zebes. It also adds a few new weapons, another part of the planet to explore, a more advanced plot, and a surprise after you complete the original game's objective.

Now I just need to buy a Wii and download Kid Icarus. That's another classic I had very little playtime with that I would like to tackle. Fun note: Metroid and Kid Icarus were created with the same game engine, as evidenced by the password feature.

And that's just the way it is.

Bonus: Here's the map I created to help me through the game. No wonder I got lost.

Who's Afraid of Edward Albee?

2007-08-22T20:07:00.001-04:00

I just completed reading Edward Albee's Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf, another book version of a somehow "popular" play. The front cover proclaims it as "the most talked-about drama of the last ten years." Most likely on how atrocious it is. It received the New York Drama Critics Circle Award and the Tony Awards as the Best Play of the 1962-63 season. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it was the only play during that season.

This book features a small bio of Albee, and mentions that he began his writing career with poetry and novels, which he himself thought weren't good. So he decided to turn his sights to big theater productions to torture people. People who apparently didn't know much about what's good. I mean, I did mention all the praise his plays, including Virginia Woolf, received.

A question you've surely wondered upon hearing of this story's title is "who is Virginia Woolf"? Upon reading the book, I can assure you that Virginia Woolf is... nothing. The book title itself is a line in some nonsensical poem the loonies break out singing for no reason at all at certain points in the book. The characters, or maybe just the author himself, belong in an asylum. Now I realize all the characters are supposed to be drunk throughout most of the story, but you can see in the beginning that two of them are screwed up in the head long before alcohol enters their systems. Now that I think about it, if you're the kind of person that enjoys watching your friends getting sloshed out of their minds, you might like this story.

There are only four characters in this book. The entire play takes place at a house on the campus of a New England College. A Streetcar Named Desire was shorter, with more characters, and was wholly more interesting. The premise is something along the lines of what's real and what's fake in the lives of two of the characters that you could only "get" if you dissected the book. With a fine tooth comb. Those last two sentences made more sense than this story's plot. The play-viewing audience didn't have such a luxury to cross examine this story, so rather than seem uneducated and unrefined, they claimed what a masterpiece the spectacle they just saw was to impress the rest of us who didn't get it. Apparently, a movie studio comprised of lunatics themselves thought this play would make a good film, which means it is forever burned onto celluloid to horrify and mislead people into thinking what a "timeless classic" this dreck is.

I know people will end up telling me the "meanings" behind the more confusing aspects of the story. Hidden meanings. You're not supposed to have "insider knowledge" that your audience isn't privy to. That'd be like if I wrote a story about Jose Canseco and Sammy Sosa. See? You don't know what the hell I'm talking about because it's an inside joke shared between me and two others. But that didn't stop me from making an entry in my web comic about it...

Following this book, I sifted through the case containing my father's books from his youth and discovered Romeo and Juliet. But the book is a neutered iteration, meaning it's rewritten to be more comprehensive to a modern (read: modern back when my father was a lad) audience. In addition, it decided to help us out more by inserting explanations throughout the book in case we still couldn't understand. Jeez, if it's that hard for you, invest in the Cliff's Notes version. So I'm abandoning Shakespeare's masterpiece until I can find an unaltered version.

And that's just the way it is.

A Journey To The Streetcar Named Desire

2007-08-05T20:59:00.001-04:00

This entry will contain reviews of two stories I recently finished reading: a novel and a play.

A Journey to the Center of the Earth was written by a not-so-obscure author named Jules Verne. I actually read it by my own will, not against it. It seems most people may only read classical literature if assigned to by one of their English professors. But as a budding novelist myself, I feel that I should be familiar with most of the writings by the pioneers of my trade. Now there's no requirement for any writer to read the classics, and by no means am I being forced. The reason these stories earn the distinction of "classic" is because they're still heavily regarded today because of their quality. And most, if not all, of the more celebrated pieces of literature have already been made into movies of differing value, some even more than once.

A Journey was written in 1986. Wait, that was the date of the First Signet Classic Printing. It was actually penned/penciled/inked in 1864. Truth be told, I actually hated Verne's writing style after attempting to read a couple of his books in school, 20,00 Leagues Under The Sea being one of them. I guess my brain hadn't fully developed, because when I recently started A Journey I could hardly set it down and understood it all. Well, except for a lot of the scientific explanations. You see, it's been documented that Verne likes to explain the science in a lot of the missions and devices seen in his works. I see the value in this, as it brings an air of logic to his story, even if it is fictional, but it would most likely turn off readers nowadays with short attention spans that require non-stop action to be thrown at them. The scientific musings are shared between...

The main characters: Professor Hardwigg, his nineteen-year-old nephew Harry, and their Icelandic guide Hans. The story opens in their house in Germany, with the Professor boasting about an old book he purchased and an encrypted message that was found within. After about a day of both Harry and his uncle trying to decipher the code, it's Harry who accidentally discovers the translation. Immediately, Hardwigg plans for the expedition to the portal into the Earth's interior as described in the note. Jules Verne supplied the characters very brilliantly with the necessary provisions to survive such an arduous trek. The story becomes more addictive when the characters finally make it inside the Earth, because you want to know what they'll find within. Despite the fact the narrator (Harry) tells us that the book is an account of his journey after he returned from it, there are many times you wonder if he's going to expire anyway.

My favorite character in A Journey is neither the Uncle Hardwigg or nephew Harry. It's actually Hans, their hardworking guide during their tour of the bowels of this big crazy rock we call home. As long as he receives payment every week, he'll do his job without complaint. He is silent through most of the journey, usually only speaking a word or two in his native tongue to inform the Professor of what to look out for. Silent, resourceful, all business. Kinda like myself.

There's a point towards the end of the book where Harry is referred to as "Henry" for quite a few pages, although it reverts back to Harry by the finish. An error is editing, or a pet name given to him by Hardwigg?

My next foray into reading was going to be Herman Melville's Billy Budd, Foretopman, but the problem that prevented me from enjoying Verne's works in the past now affects me in the present. Though written in English, it's all too foreign to me. To make matters worse, it's full of words which seem to have fallen into disuse over the years. Even my spell checker is telling me that it doesn't believe "foretopman" is a real word. But I guess one thing I would have in common with my literary predecessor is that we invent words without telling anyone and slyly pass them off as real, convincing those who read them that they are "high level" words, only used by the Masters of English.

So I gave up on Billy Budd after the second chapter. That's when I looked through my father's old book collection he acquired for his school years and found another classic called A Streetcar Named Desire, the play by Tennessee Williams adapted into book form. Williams also wrote Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, but not Fiddler On The Roof. It was written, or at least copyrighted, in 1947. It's also where the famous line "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers" originated. I'm pretty sure most of you only know this story as being "performed" on The Simpsons, but that was only a parody. A Streetcar contains twelve active characters, the main ones being Blanche DuBois, her sister Stella and brother-in-law Stanley Kowalski (no relation to Killer). Blanche, a wilted Southern Belle, is trying to escape her old life by moving in with her sister and brother-in-law in their house in New Orleans. Stanley is a chauvinistic blue-collar worker whose personality naturally clashes with Blanche's. He also tends to hit his wife Stella when he gets angry, then apologizes profusely for his behavior which always brings her back to his stable. I'm just glad this is only a work of fiction and a situation like that couldn't possibly occur in real life. The story also contains undertones on homosexuality and pedophilia, two subjects which I thought were never referred to back then.

I finished the whole book... or should I say play... in a day, starting on my lunch period at work, continuing when I got home, and then finishing it before going to sleep. Fun fact: the original play featured a then-unknown Marlon Brando as Stanley, who didn't even get top billing.

I'm now reading another play adaptation called Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? by Edward Albee. This ancient tome is priced at ninety-five cents, which should probably give you an idea of how old this edition is. The pages are also falling out, and they have that aged pulp stink which will make this story hard to read on an empty stomach during lunch.

Tennessee Williams. Could I get away with calling myself Rhode Island Gannon?

And that's just the way it is.

Meet Amy Bryce

2007-07-24T22:06:00.001-04:00

Give me a 10 for Hottest Guy

Against all better judgment, I entered the new Hottest Guy contest. I was expecting to do a more revealing shot this time, but something came up so I decided to submit my favorite pic out of my entire "cosplay" line.

Chances are high that voting in this contest is going to be skewed even worse than before. I've addressed the subject of bribing before, where someone tells you they voted you a "10" so you should do the same for them. You see, there's also another contest going on where young girls submit videos of themselves reading lines from some script, auditioning for an actual movie role in something called The Clique Movie. So since it started going on, my inbox has been flowing with messages with girls literally begging me to give them repeated 10 votes. Now ladies, if I voted 10 for all of you, what would be the point?

After my first 20 votes, I was already ranking a 4.0. Even I know that's too high. I did get a real nice compliment by a would-be actress in hopes that I would help her reach her goal:
"=-O Are You an A&F model or something? If I could, it would be a 100 million but you can only vote as high as 10. Please see my video and give it a 10 too? =] "
I'm a moron and even I know that's shallow pandering. Yes, I'm a model for Abercrombie & Fitch's new Gothic clothing line called "Aberzombie".

I've met some real pretty girls in this contest, but one in particular stands heads and toes above the rest. Her name is Amy Bryce, and she's a model in the United Kingdom. Described as an English Country Rose, this young lady caught my eye as someone special. She wants to be a role model for young girls, to prove that you don't have to be a size 0 to be a model, have fun, or be happy. She's studying to become a marine biologist and balance that with a modeling career. She wants to swim with the Kings of the Ocean, the perfect predators, the nahsty feesh weeth the reely beeg teeth: Great White Sharks. Talk about beauty and the beasts, let's just hope she stays in the shark-proof cage.

Visit Amy
Official Website
MySpace
The Model Book
Hot Models
Independent Entertainer's Network
Diesel Models

Vote for Amy
Miss Earth UK
Divinity Models
Miss Limo
Online Beauty Pageant
SugarLoot
UjENA Talent

And that's just the way it is.

SugarLoot

2007-07-05T21:35:00.001-04:00

Vote for me for
Hottest Guy

What has your friendly neighborhood Writer of Darkness gotten himself involved with this time?

I registered with SugarLoot back in May for the purpose of supporting my favorite model Stephi, who I freely plugged in an April blog entry. She was involved in a monthly Hottest Girl contest, which she finished with an impressive 8.0 rating.

Of course they also had a Hottest Guy contest. I thought nothing more of this web site other than voting for one person, but then I remembered an idea I had a while back to enter my scowling self into one of the Internet's many "rate my appearance" sites. A beast among beauties. I like to be the odd man out. I also think it would be amusing just to see how low a pale fleshed, dark clothed string bean can be rated. So I looked at what my competition would be in the SugarLoot realm. The last two winners of the Hottest Guy contest looked as if they were chiseled from granite. Yup, shirt's off, body's posed as if to say "guess what I spend all my time doing?" These people spend as much time at the gym as I do at work, and I'm full time. As a matter of fact, I think that'll be my next step. When this month of the Hottest Guy contest ends, I'll enter a different picture into the next. That's right, I'll be topless, my nipples on display for the entire world to see UNCENSORED. After that contest ends, I'll probably resign from SugarLoot, my experiment concluded.
The Hottest Guy contest calls for "lady killers". I'm sure judgmental types would think of me as a killer upon first glance. It has happened, despite the fact it's usually the people you least suspect to have evil streaks that end up murdering someone in a minor dispute. Watch the news sometime.
Grand prize? Two-hundred dollar American Express gift card. For doing nothing more than uploading a picture of yourself with the hopes that people who secretly want to bang you offline will show up in droves online. That's right, it's a contest that rewards vanity.

You should always read the fine print before submitting yourself to ANYTHING. Is there a catch to winning such a dream-fulfilling grand prize for doing nothing more than showing off? Besides being ridiculed for being ugly or objectified for being attractive, you must sign away your soul. Check this shit out:

Except where prohibited by law, the winner grants (and agrees to confirm that grant in writing) permission for SugarLoot their advertising and promotional agencies, and those acting under their authority to use such winner’s name, photograph, voice and/or likeness, and winning entry (including the display, reproduction and distribution of the entry), for advertising and/or publicity purposes in all media and formats now known or hereafter discovered, worldwide and on the world wide web, without notice, review, approval, or additional compensation.

Then there's this:
Entrants further agree that SugarLoot, its respective parents, subsidiaries and affiliated companies, advertising and promotion agencies, suppliers, printers, distributors, and the respective officers, directors, employees, representatives and agents of each and any other person or entity related in any way to this Contest (together the “Contest Entities”) will have no liability whatsoever for, and shall be held harmless by entrants (and parent/legal guardian if entrant is a minor) against, any and all liability for any injuries, loss or damage of any kind to persons, including death, or property damage resulting in whole or in part, directly or indirectly, from acceptance, possession, misuse or use of any prize, participation in this promotion, or while traveling to, preparing for or participating in any prize-related activity. The Contest Entities expressly disclaim any responsibility or liability for injury or loss to any person or property in connection with the delivery and/or subsequent use of the prizes awarded.

The guidelines say that if you win, they own you. If a large amount of people think you're nice to look at, you have to bend to SugarLoot's demands. Appear on TV, ads, stuff like that. Essentially, they can turn you into their little corporate whore, but if someone who lost the contest goes insane and breaks your kneecaps, SugarLoot will respond by using you in ad spots that focus on your face. I would just love to see myself cast into one of those "Axe Tag body spray/deodorant commercials. You know, the ones where the guy just applies a little bit to his body and all the girls (only sexy ones, of course) from the tri-state area come running after him. "Wow, that guy has a manufactured scent, therefore I would like to engage in the most personal of activities with him."

I really don't know how serious these contests are taken. I decided to take some time to rate the female contestants, and here's a sampling of the entries I found: A rather classy table and chair set. An elderly woman. A female anime character. A male anime character. Tiffiani Amber-Theissan, submitted by someone who most likely isn't Tiffani Amber-Theissan. A gorgeous sunset. A transsexual. Okay, I know trannies are people too, but a guy dressing as a girl still doesn't qualify as actually BEING A GIRL. Because you're not. You're a man. In feminine make-up. I had to add "feminine" to describe the make-up because males can wear a type of make-up too. You don't think Sloth from The Goonies (R.I.P.) looked like that in real life, do you?

If a fuckin' chair can get an average rating of 5, should I be insulted if I can only get a 3.5 without bribes? Bribes? Yeah, that goes on. Girls (and sometimes a guy) will send you messages asking you to vote a 10 for their contest entries in exchange for a 10 rating on yours. No, I haven't done that, but I did get bumped up to a 4.1 just because they asked me to vote 10 for them for the 10 rating they already gave me. Some "Fans" (an equivalent to Friends on MySpace) I gained were people that didn't actually like me, but wanted to use me to boost their chances of being not only rating them, but rating them high. Proof? They become fans of every SugarLoot contestant. I started out averaging a 3.5, dipping as low as 3.2 and as high as 3.7. Then when the bribes started flowing in, I was boosted up to a 4.9 as of this writing. As low as it is, I'd much rather be an honest three and a half than a cheap five. The whole purpose of a guy like me entering a beauty contest is to see exactly how badly mainstream portrays a Dark Spirit.

DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF GUY WHO CAN RANK BABIES BY CUTENESS?

And that's just the way it is.

Demonic Possession

2007-06-21T22:17:00.003-04:00

What has been possessed by demons? James-Gannon.com, of course. Despite the fact that my Sleep Terrors are still affecting me regularly, I still maintain complete control of my mind, body, and spirit.
Some religions believe in demons as much as they do their respective deities, most seeing them as evil. But since I'm an atheist and don't believe in the existence of such things, demons represent a neat accessory to dark spirit culture. Like how "bad" equals "cool", as long as it remains in fiction and not brought into reality. Sort of like Grand Theft Auto, it's all fun and games until some loose-brained malcontent blurs the line separating the play world with our own.

Loner's Dungeon
Although probably heading for a name change, Loner's Dungeon is a web site much darker and emotional than my own. Its webmaster is a young girl from Arizona with many aliases. Mostly known as Demon Loner but now going by Demon Martyr, I've personally referred to her as Lady Demon ever since I met her years ago.
Here's our "how we met" story. I wandered into a chat room she created on AOHell. It was named something along the lines of "do not talk to me", so I naturally tried to engage her in conversation. It turned out that the reason for her making such a room was to collect material from the legions of dimwitted America Online users who would pop into her chat room and make complete asses of themselves. She would copy the "best" comments and paste them onto her user profile or AOL Hometown web site for ridicule. We all have our hobbies.
I lost contact with her when she to canceled her AOL account because they thought her various demon inspired screen names were offensive. Honestly, she would go into chat rooms, religious zealots would cry over the then sixteen-year-old girl with the name "DemonBloodBath", and then she would be cited for a TOS (terms of service) violation. I'm sure the screen name "ILoveJesus" would have been acceptable, but what if you don't? Anyway I asked her for her home address so we could keep in touch. When my first letter reached her, it freaked her mother out because of all the horror stories she would hear about people who met on the Internet hooking up in real life and ending with someone getting raped. All from a piece of paper that contained the first chapter of an online book I was writing at the time.
The main feature of "The Dungeon" is to display her poetry, byproducts of her mind and a small depiction of her life's story. As her online nickname suggests, she also has a particular interest in demons. Her web site is aptly titled a dungeon because one page is devoted to collected graphics of demons, nytemares, and loonies. Those come from web pages that host animated gif files of strange and bizarre looking creatures you can "adopt" and display on your own web page. This was long before "widgets" became popular.
The Dungeon fell into disuse for quite a while after dropping AOL, although she signed up at a web site called All Poetry to feed her creative habit. After a couple of years wondering what happened to that demon girl, I searched Google for "Loner's Dungeon" and found a few sites that featured those keywords, mostly as links posted by Lady Demon herself. Now we are talking again and helping out each other's web endeavors.
During our time away, Lady Demon started to create tile graphics to be used as web page backgrounds. I was very impressed with them and chose several to spruce up my own site. Credit is paid back to her at the bottom of every page that features her work. That, and the aforementioned link to her Dungeon on my Links page.

Adopt-A-Demon
When I visited Lady Demon's web site after first meeting her, I became interested in the three demon graphics I saw there. They came from a place called Adopt-A-Demon, where a vast selection of unearthly creatures can be taken and placed on your own site. The only catch is giving credit to AOD on your find(s). I originally adopted four to keep on my old AOL Hometown site, but that whole thing went away when I ended my own account. Years later, when I finally decided to purchase my own .com address, I gave no thought into resurrecting my Hell babies from their inanimate prison within my hard drive. It was only after reuniting with Lady Demon that they entered my head again. I also went back to Adopt-A-Demon and took nine more of the underworld spawn to haunt James-Gannon.com. So have a heart... visit the site and adopt one of these preciously evil visions to inhabit your own online domain.

"Remember, a demon is forever and not just Halloween."~ Demon Keeper, administrator of Adopt-A-Demon

And that's just the way it is.

Tony Payne's Custom Jewelry

2007-04-20T22:38:00.001-04:00

The second web site I added to my Links section is Tony Payne's Custom Jewelry. Based in Madison, Mississippi, he extends his reach to the online world after more than 20 years in the business.

Tony's trade deals mainly in pendants, rings, and pins. He can make them in the shape of most anything you can imagine: animals, religious symbols, business logos, or some creative stone setting. He'll even make you a championship sports ring! And you don't have to do anything to earn it, either! Materials he works with are sterling silver, white and yellow gold, and platinum. He can even insert custom cut precious gemstones and diamonds into your piece.

What goes into getting your own custom piece of jewelry from out of your brain to hanging around your neck? Or pinned to your shirt? Or hugging your ring finger? First, you either describe your idea of what you want your piece to look like to Tony, and he'll e-mail you a sketch of what he feels you're thinking of. Or you can do a drawing yourself and e-mail it to him. After you both settle on a design and a 50% down payment is made, a wax carving of your piece will be made. He'll e-mail you a picture of what that looks like, and if you approve, he'll cast it in whatever material you chose. He'll show you the result, and if you approve, you send the dough, he sends the jewelry.

I happened into Tony Payne myself back in 2004. Entering "custom jewelry" into an Internet search engine, I chose his site out of all the results specifically because he dealt with sterling silver. I browsed his pages to check out his work, and decided this was the place I was looking for. I drew a quick mock-up of the vision I had for a pendant( the Callous "CS" symbol) with some size specifications and e-mailed it to him.

Tony e-mailed me back saying he could do it. It's a good thing too, what kind of crafter would he be if he couldn't get this thing into the third dimension? He gave his prices for carving, casting, finishing, material, shipping, and insurance, and would begin as soon as he received the down payment from me. After sending him a check, and waiting for my turn to come up, he e-mailed me a couple of pictures of the wax carving for the pendant.

I was pleased with his wax sacrifice and gave him the go ahead for the casting. About a week later, he sent me this picture.

He told me that his quality control department, Mrs. Payne, noted that the pendant doesn't hang evenly, so he supplied me with some options on how to correct this. I chose one, and he got to fixing it. Soon after, he showed me what we hoped would be the final result.

We had a winner!

My pendant is a simplistic piece, but I assure you that Tony is capable of far more complex designs than this. But... you don't have to take my word for it. (LeVar Burton impression.) Check out his site yourself, it's peppered with his handiwork.

Now let me tell you a little bit of history on the Callous Symbol. The origin of this pendant is seen in my first short story Enter: The Callous One, posted in the Writings section of my web site. Basically, when Hunter Cameron, the main character of much of my writings, turned over a dark leaf in life, he wanted to bear something on his person that symbolized his rebirth. So he went to the local silversmith in his small town and asked him to create a pendant that was basically an abbreviation of his new nickname "Callous". That being the first and last letters of his title fused together.

The best logos aren't complex, they should be easy to recognize. I guess I'm fortunate that my drawings aren't highly detailed, case in point the logos I create for my characters. The whole reason I even looked for a custom jewelry site was to see if the Callous symbol pendant could exist in real life. It was affordable, it was created by competent hands, so I went for it. I'll utilize his services in the future, but the CS pendant more than suits me for now. Oh, and Tony Payne is the official jeweler of James-Gannon.com

And that's just the way it is.

Stephi Heaven

2007-04-12T18:37:00.002-04:00

Today on The Epitaph, I'll discuss in depth the first web site I added to my long dormant Links page. Stephi's Paradise, online home of Stephanie... no last name on file. Underneath her site banner are links that take you to pages where you can vote for her in online contests, and also view more pictures.

I first saw "Miss Brown Eyes" at her original, corporately owned web site where she was featured alongside six other models. In my eyes, she was the standout. I made it a point to stop by every so often to check out new pictures. But then a day came where she disappeared without a trace, possibly due to contract dispute/creative differences/different career outlook. Curses, I'll never be able to witness her beauty again, or so I thought. About a year later, I entered some key words into an internet search engine and managed to find her new site. No longer having to share the spotlight, Stephi has staked claim to a portion of the Internet's vast real estate and set up her own virtual paradise. Even planted some palm tree graphics. She's mostly a bikini model, most appropriate given her site's theme, but she'll occasionally dress up in themed outfits and even show off her intimate attire.

Even though I don't know her personally, I have exchanged a few e-mails with her and she comes across as a sweet and level-headed lady. I also won a contest on her web site by correctly guessing which of a series of outfits she would be modeling in the future. My prize was a mouse pad emblazoned with an image of her in one of her most risque bikinis ever. Makes me wish I used a mouse instead of my notebook's touch pad. Although at least I can't ruin the image by endlessly dragging a trackball over it.

My goal for linking her web site? While not interacting with her directly, I want to see if I can in some small way, help her become successful. Although I'd have to generate more traffic towards my own site in order to do that. Oh yeah, if you visit her MySpace page, you'll probably find a few drawings I did for her. It gives me a chance to draw a subject most of my material isn't geared towards. Bikini models. But unfortunately, I don't think she is a fan of my work. Did I mention she wants to be a stewardess, too?

Descriptions of contests Stephi is involved in circa 4/12/07
In Search of the World's Most Beautiful Woman: An online beauty pageant hoping to extend into television as a reality show. If this were to happen, it'd be the only one I'd ever watch if Stephi was featured. You can vote with or without registering every sixty minutes. I've gotten no junk mail after registering my e-mail address, so don't let that worry stop you. There's a big problem with the voting process where people will repeatedly give low votes to contestants and decrease their score an alarming amount. Even if the web site staff decides to do something about it, they don't repair the damage, so I'm guessing that doing well in this contest is a crap shoot.

Ms. Bikini World: The grand prize at year's end is to be named Ms. Bikini World for that year. I guess that's good for padding your resume. Registering is required to vote, which is once every twenty-four hours. Also had no problem with unwanted e-mails after doing so.

Biker Dolls: Whoever can woo the most votes from judges is rewarded with a $25,000 prize and an opportunity for some exposure at Biker Week 2008. But there's actually an incentive to vote... a chance to win a $30,000 custom motorcycle and an expenses paid invitation to Biker Week for yourself. There's a few steps to signing up, one of which is to agree to a three day trial of Sirius Radio online. But like the other contests, unchecking various boxes will prevent you from getting junk mail.
Strange as it sounds, I don't want to win the judge's contest. The only thing I like about motorcycles are the models that usually pose by them. I'm not a biker bad ass, I'm a 150 pound jabroni. I'm sure lots of bikers are of high class and intellect most of the time, but I'll probably be required to discuss issues important to the majority of the crowd at the event. Those being bikes, beer, and bitches. If I attempt to ride a motorcycle, I will fall. And if I fall, I will cry. Men aren't supposed to cry, so I best avoid situations where tear-shedding is an outcome. (I'm not a wuss, I just know my limitations.)
In the slight chance I do win, I'd only attend Bike Week if Stephi is there. What would be the point if the model I supported the whole way doesn't win? Chances are I'll be required to have my photos taken with my motorcycle. That would make me a poseur. But it could give me some of that coveted "street cred".
I will request a picture be taken featuring Stephi and I with my bike, because I feel that would make a great picture to post on my homepage.

Is She Hot?: Savvy Girls is some kind of online version of a men's magazine. You know, the ones that actual men don't read. Registration required, make sure you unclick offers to receive mail, you get the picture by now.

Rockin' Profiles: Vote for the best MySpace profiles in different categories each month. Mostly geared towards musicians, but will have contests for ladies every once in a while. Prize for winners is an "awesome" banner and added exposure on their web site. Another contest where you can vote whether you register or not. You can vote once at the beginning of a new hour. A plus for registered judges is that every vote you make is added up that will someday give you bonuses from their sponsors.

Stephi is the official model of James-Gannon.com. I should also add that Stephi does not endorse James-Gannon.com.

And that's just the way it is.

Ask Me About My Computer

2007-03-14T18:28:00.001-04:00

I finally purchased a new notebook computer, after my last post detailed my original's death. After debating between Best Buy and CompUSA for a purchasing decision, the latter won out my business, with a $2oo rebate on a notebook that makes my previous one look to be a relic from the Stone Age. Six years (six months, even) means a lot as far as computer technology goes. Let's put this into perspective...
In 2001, I bought a notebook for $1999 that contained a 40 GB hard drive and 512 MB of RAM.
In 2007, I pay $899 (before rebate) for a notebook with a 120 GB hard drive and 1024 MB of RAM.
In six years, I only managed to fill about half of the hard drive. What am I going to cram into 120 gigs? Keep in mind that my primary use for my computer is writing, and text documents don't take up that much space. I don't game on my computer or store music or movies.

My pal Jason was able to successfully transfer the contents of my "My Documents" folder, as well as my desktop, to a disk. Less successful was some of my files making the jump intact. As I said before, there's no grave consequence, even if I got nothing back... but I am making him dive back into my old hard drive for one file whose importance is a little bit more so than others. A file I use to jot down any useful thought that comes into my head that I want to make sure I don't forget. Aside from this particular file becoming scrambled in the transfer, it seems that the ones I use most often ended up this way as well. To quote Dale Gribble of King of the Hill fame, "Computers don't make errors. What they do, they do on purpose."

I'm currently spending my time transferring my old computer's contents from CD to my new computer's hard drive. Then I'll reinstall all my other components such as camera, my printer/scanner hybrid, then I'll try out my web cam. I purchased it with the intention of using it with my last computer, but for whatever reason, it kept freezing up. One problem I have with this notebook is its placement of the touchpad. Even while typing this, the edge of my palm on my right hand keeps grazing it, sending my mouse pointer all over the screen and making me accidentally click random places. I hope I can overcome this.

Windows Vista is pretty cool, but if you're as used to Windows XP as I was, then it's "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto." Maybe I shouldn't complain, some people are still using Windows 98.

Bi-annual Dental Hygiene Report: No cavities. Wisdom teeth doing fine.

And that's just the way it is.

It's Dead, Jim

2007-03-01T13:47:00.001-05:00

After six years of service, the first computer (laptop) I ever owned for myself has suffered hard drive failure. I wrote my first few stories, including my first novel, on it and made blue-prints on a few hundred potential ones. I also accidentally spewed coffee on it. Twice. Plus its been opened and closed so many times a screw securing the screen in its plastic casing popped out. I'm using the family computer to work from for now, but anything involving the scanning of pictures will have to wait. Which means my Web Comic is on hiatus.

Fortunately, I've seen this coming about a mile away, so I copied all my important files to disk about a month ago. Everything else I'm losing can be redownloaded or reinstalled. Thankfully I'm acquainted with a computer expert. He diagnosed my laptop to the fullest of his abilities, and has come to the conclusion that it has indeed "kicked the bucket". But the good doctor can also salvage the few files I've created and altered since I put them to disk, but if he can't, it won't be a tragic loss.

I'm going to purchase a new laptop very soon after I read a few newspaper flyers to discover what's out there as well as possible deals. I guess its good because, as far as technology goes, I can be brought up to speed. I mean that literally, the laptop was performing its functions slowly. Computers become obsolete after six months, forget about six years.

And that's just the way it is.

Welcome To BlogSpot

2007-01-22T22:22:00.002-05:00

I’ve decided to move my web blog to this more well-known service called Blogspot. You know, where you’re viewing this now.

The second and third snows of the season have fallen this morning and this evening respectively. The early flakes dissipated pretty quick, but looks like I’ll be scraping off the late-comers tomorrow morning.

I got rid of my Tag-Board only page and stuck it onto a brand new page with my brand new Frappr map. For those not in the know, a Frappr map is a satellite generated view of the world, and people can pinpoint their location on it. Sort of like saying “Jed was here”, but on a much grander scale. I’ve had it for about a week, and already got visitors from South Dakota, Kansas, Philadelphia (thank you spell check), and even as far away as Israel. And three people as close as Providence. I don’t even know anyone in Providence anymore. But for the love of Bob Ross, could people start leaving more info about themselves besides the general area where they reside?

Today’s Survival Tip: Don’t drink egg nog 13 days past its expiration date. Trust me on this one. Those little chunks? Not ice.

One final note, congratulations to my best friend Jarrod Cappelli, who found out he and his sweetie Tarah are going to be parents. I tried to get him to hold back his sexual urges until after marriage, I swear.

And that’s just the way it is.

Prologue To Winter

2007-01-22T20:44:00.000-05:00

Originally posted December 4th, 2006

The first snow of the season has fallen this morning. And the first snow of the season melted away this afternoon. The shovels may hibernate for another day. It also marked the day where I brought my trench coat out from the closet since last winter. Like always, the "Trench Coat Mafia" references started up by the same people who have been doing it for the previous four years. Nothing says comedy like the systematic shootings of high schoolers by unhinged psychopaths. And if I really was to be a successor to that infamous group, I don't think taunting me is the best idea. Just kidding. BSing with your co-workers helps you get through an arduous workday.

While my Sleep Terrors haven't bothered me as much, one episode took a new form, rather than the usual otherworldly visions. I have this bothersome worry that someone will invade my homestead while I sleep and murder me and my entire family. So my Sleep Terror manifested itself into the form of a nighttime intruder, dressed all in black, camouflaged by my lightless room, who jumped out of the darkness and began to strangle me. I felt powerless to retaliate. The scary thing is, as Sleep Terrors usually are, it felt so real that I actually believed that "this was the end". But I did come out of it as I woke up all alone in my room.

I just don't know how to organize my thoughts right now. A million ideas are floating through my head on what has to be done to get on with my life, but I can't figure out what has to be done first, and how to place the rest. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with these thoughts that I can't do a single thing. Do I draw a new comic? Do I continue my spin-off story? Do I add more content to this web site? Do I compose a book proposal for my first novel, which I think needs more revision? I believe I must first find time to organize my checking and savings accounts, because how I balance my cash flow in the coming months will determine how long I can keep myself afloat without ending up on the street.

A neat little thing I noticed last night was that my web site can now be found on Internet search engines. Before, I had to pay a fee to get it listed, but now anyone can find my page if they enter the right keywords. Those being "James Gannon, dark, fiction, writer, stories, books, Callous, Shadow, Tammy Corona". And we all know how popular those terms are. So there are now slight chances that an outsider can stumble upon my place on the web. Now I can get criticism from complete strangers! OH, THE INTRIGUE! A few uninteresting notes:
On yahoo search, my "about" page is ranked #4 if you search "james gannon"... and my bio page is ranked #1 for "james gannon writer".
On AOL search, my home page is ranked #33 for "james gannon". I think they're still mad I canceled my AOL account.
Google search... #36.

I was close to signing up for the well-known art showcase web site "deviantART.com", until I read the fine print. Evidently, submitting your artwork gives the staff the right to do whatever they want with it, such as reproduce, edit, display, and even publish it without any residuals offered to the original creator. Sorry folks, no one can claim rights to my eyesores except me. I wanted to become a "deviant" so I could show off my art to a wider audience, plus it offered a better format than my current gallery. But I think I'll stick with what I have right now. But I'll have to drop some cash in order to show off more of my work.

Still have Christmas shopping to do. You?

I got a zit on my elbow. MY FUCKING ELBOW. Now I have to rub cleansing oil on that thing too?

Some final words of wisdom I'd like to invoke upon you: If you make a threat to beat up your boss under your breath, make sure it still isn't loud enough for him to hear it. No, I'm not the one who did it, but it did involve the guy whose fingers I threatened to break if he kept interfering in my work.

And that's just the way it is.

From Good To Bad To Sort Of Okay

2007-01-22T20:39:00.001-05:00

Originally posted September 19th, 2006

This note was awaiting me on the hood of my car as I left the Warwick Mall tonight. My guess is that it was left there by the needlessly wide truck that I parked next to in the lot. I fit perfectly between it and the car that was on my other side. Yes, I was parked close to the truck, but considering the size of it, a compact would have difficulty giving it enough space. I was able to easily get out of my car. While I was gone, the owner of the truck, a great motorist who took it upon himself to rid the world of this injustice, apparently realized at least one of the problems evident in owning such a big vehicle and decided to take it out on the person situated between the parking lines next to him.

So when I returned to my car, and entered it, I noticed the little note stuck in the windshield wiper. "Great," I thought, "another stupid flyer about some great weight-watching plan". So I got out, read it, and got a little peeved. I looked all over my car for any signs of vandalism, but didn't see any. I sure didn't want to drive off knowing that there was gum stuck somewhere that might cause a problem. I'm not much of a motor-vehicle aficionado, so I can't say whether or not a little piece of gum could be stuck somewhere to "gum" up the inner workings and cause me to barrel roll into a ditch somewhere. So I fetched someone from mall security to give my car a look over. He shined his little flashlight on the underside of my handle and immediately found the offending chewy mess. Apparently, he stuck it as far up the car handle as possible. And I, like most people, use the tips of my fingers to pull the handle, rather than shove my entire hand in it and yank it open. He screwed up a fuckin' gum prank! How stupid do you have to be? It's a good thing he left the note or I never would have known. I most certainly not get to "enjoy the gum!" I was cheated! Even mall security confirmed I was parked perfectly within the lines. He stated there were some very sick people out there, and I tend to agree. Here's a little note to you drivers of grossly-proportioned vehicles out there. If you try to park in a normal spot, everyone will park "a little close" to you if they're within the boundaries of their own spot. You are not entitled to have the spots to your left and right vacated so you can swing your door wide open, stretch your legs, scratch your crotch and grunt. Blah blah blah, drivers of big vehicles are compensating for something, blah, blah blah. I drive a Honda Civic, which I guess can be deemed complimentary towards my manhood. The best part of all this is, while I've beaten lesser men using nothing but my intellect before, this is the first time I defeated someone without even being present. If that lunatic is the kind of person who has to get revenge on someone who's in the right, what will he do to someone who "inconveniences" him worse? I think heavy fines and jail time is in someone's future. Now that I look at the note more, the hand-writing distinctly female, based on what I’ve seen from girls. Especially because the fact the period at the end is a circle. Could it be this sadist was a woman? At least I could have sweet-talked my way out of this one! On second thought, maybe the ineffective gum treatment was safer.

I don't want to leave you all with a sour impression of mankind, so I'll relay the cool thing I checked out today prior to my inadvertent victory over idiocy. I didn't visit the mall tonight to shop at The Hot Topic or (blech) Old Navy. As I currently work in the electronics department of a retail store with a video game selection, I get visited by representatives from Nintendo. Great guys who know and appreciate the product, just like me. Anyway, they invited me to check out the neighboring mall at 6 'o clock. They told me it was a sponsored event where they would show off the Nintendo DS Lite, such as new models and games. Being the fan boy for the Big N I am, I was only too happy to take them up on their offer. I saw both of them there, as well as employees from Electronics Boutique at both this mall and the one I work at (for the record, the two malls are within five minutes of each other). There was a big deal about people being able to bring in their DS and their copy of Nintendogs to get an exclusive pair of sunglasses for their digital pooch to wear, promoted as the special glasses that Haylie Duff's (Hillary's sister) dog has. There were a bunch of bean bag chairs where the kids could huddle together with their game-nines to get the bonus shades. See what I did back there? I combined the words "game" with "canines" to make a completely new word for the English language. I'm a professional writer. I assure you I'm allowed to do this. If you weren't into the Nintendogs thing, which is one of the system's highest sellers, they also had a station available for you to wirelessly download demos of DS titles of the present and future. While they had three DS Lites set up for visitors, I was well prepared by bringing my own DS to the festivities, so I was able to download and try out numerous games at my leisure. There were about 20 games and short movies to experience, but I only tried my hand at the few I was interested in. The games I tested are as follows:

Metroid Prime Hunters: Not a big fan of first person shooters, but I did get very far in Gamecube's Metroid Prime. I was hesitant to buy this, and today I found out with good reason. The controls are difficult, as it feels as if you need three hands to play. One hand to move your character, the other to jump and shoot, and another to control your viewpoint. I'm not one of those "purists" who believe game franchises like Mario and Sonic don't belong in 3-D, but I can't say I support Samus' switch to FPS. I'd love to give her a try in third-person. I'm also huge fan of her 2-D outings, including her recent adventures on Game Boy Advance.
Meteos: I read the instructions and still don't get it. The controls are just bizarre.
Mario vs. Donkey Kong 2: I was keeping an eye on this upcoming release, and managed to demo it here. However, the experience kind of turned me off, as controlling the Mini-Marios with the stylus doesn't seem natural. Those little wind-up toys move kind of on their own. Hmm... perhaps the controls are dead on, then.
Clubhouse Games- Darts: Clubhouse Games will feature many parlor games in its cartridge, and you could sample Darts here. Just touch the dart on the touch screen and push it forward to the dartboard on the top screen. I can't even begin to figure out why we're supposed to be entertained by this.
Magnetica: I saved the best for last, and boy did I enjoy this one. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's a puzzle game where you use your stylus to fling marbles at an ever-growing "snake" of marbles spiraling towards the center of the screen where your own marble launcher is situated. If your marble connects with two or more of the same color, they disappear, and when the gap you made closes, it could potentially make a chain of other similarly colored marbles vanish as well. As this was my favorite, I kept it loaded in my DS when I left. Just a note, all demos disappear after you turn the unit off, but closing the DS itself enters it into hibernation to save on power. Plus, I have it plugged into the charger. I may very well purchase this one.
Don't accuse me of being a DS hater because I didn't like a majority of those games. My library consists of 19 titles to date, with many more I'm looking forward to. I guess these just weren't "there" for me. But it's not a complete loss. Besides a demo of Magnetica, my man Johnathan hooked me up with a free DS shirt.
Check me out, I'm a corporate shill! An extra-large one! Wiiiiiiiiiii!

And that’s just the way it is…

Sleep Terrors

2007-01-22T20:31:00.000-05:00

Originally posted September 17, 2006

Night Terrors aka Sleep Terrors is a condition where, during a certain stage of sleep, one becomes paralyzed while mentally seeing a traumatic scenario taking place. The reason why I'm writing about this subject today is because I, myself, am afflicted by it. Personally, I prefer the title of Sleep Terrors as opposed to Night Terrors, as I've experienced them not only at night, but in the morning and during early evening naps. Different people have unique experiences, such as seeing demons to infamous tellings of alien abduction. For a much more in-depth look about this sleep disorder, check out The Night Terrors Resource Center at http://www.nightterrors.org/.

I think my first experience with Sleep Terrors was a couple years ago. I recall waking up one morning in the fetal position for the second time in my life. The first was when I was still in my mother’s womb. (Get it?) Anyway, while I was in this position, I remember not being able to move myself at all. As if my all of my bone joints were locked in place. This only lasted about a moment as I fell back to sleep quickly. Perhaps this wasn't a case of Sleep Terror, as I recalled nothing happening in my brain that could be considered frightening. Unless you count "Woah. Can't move. I didn't feel like getting up anyway. Back to sleep."

Before I even knew about this condition, I had thought my problem was caused by something else. Something of the supernatural sort. But I didn't come up with that conclusion on my own. I had read a book entitled Vampires: The Occult Truth by Konstantinos. It's a tome that describes all sorts of vampires, from those of folklore to today's mortal blood-drinkers. It even discussed a phenomenon that was new to me: Psychic vampires. The book describes beings who, either intentionally or unintentionally, project their body's spirits to acquire power from the spirits of others. So rather than obtaining life force from sucking blood, they just steal energy from your body. Unintentional psychic vampires are usually weaker people, perhaps inflicted with a disease, whose spirits instinctively drain other people to support itself. Then there's intentional psychic vampires, folks who actually train their spirits to depart from their bodies as they slumber to seek out usually sleeping victims. They believe that this practice not only makes themselves stronger, but will allow them to continue to inhabit the Earth as wandering spirits after their bodies have perished. The symptoms described in the book from a psychic vampire attack are being abruptly awakened from sleep, unable to move, speak, and difficulty breathing. You watch helplessly as some demonic form appears over your body, sending tendrils from within to latch onto you and drain you of energy. Then its said that, when the vampire has had its fill, it releases you and you fall back to sleep.

It wasn't long after reading this book that I started to experience a similar situation as a psychic vampire attack. Similar, but a tad different. I will give a detailed telling of my own Sleep Terrors before this essay ends, but I want to tell you the fun part first. Konstantinos' book also tells you how to protect yourself from "hag attacks", as they can be known as. I studied it, and decided to give it a try myself. What did I have to lose? So here are the notes I took from the book to tell you what I did to protect my spirit from evil.

Purification
-Enter a shower or bath.
-Close your eyes and "feel" the water on your skin. In the shower, concentrate on the tingling sensation of the stream of water hitting you. In a bath, focus on the feeling of being surrounded by water.
-After a moment of silent meditation on those sensations, you should be ready to imagine there is more than just liquid against or around you. Imagine that the tingling is a static field of energy surrounding you, or that the liquid sensation all around you is an aura of energy.
-Keep eyes closed and try to "astrally see" or visualize what the energy field surrounding you might look like. Begin to look for any dark spots in it. If you don't see any, or are having a difficult time visualizing, just assure yourself that you are aware of your aura and any impurities it might have.
-Visualize the dark impurities leaving your aura and either being washed away by the shower, or being absorbed by the water.
-When you feel you've "cleansed" yourself as much as possible, step out of the shower or bath. You are now free of many impurities.

Banishing Ritual
-Requires glass of water, dish of salt, white candle, and stick of incense. Matches.
-Set these up on a small table in the center of the room. Incense on east side, candle on south side, water on west side, and salt on north side. Dim the lights.
-Stand to the west of the table, facing east. Close eyes and take three slow, deep breaths. Feel the body of energy around you. Open your eyes and light the incense stick. Carry it around the perimeter of the room clockwise. As you do, say "I purify this space with Air." Return to position and put the incense back in the holder.
-Light the candle. Pick it up and walk clock-wise around the perimeter saying "I purify this space with Fire". Return to position and put the candle back into the holder.
-Pick up the water and walk clockwise around the perimeter. Sprinkle drops of water with your fingers as you do so, saying "I purify this space with Water". Return to position and place the glass down.
-Pick up the dish and walk around the perimeter, dropping pinches of salt and say "I purify this space with Earth." Return to position and set the salt down.
-Clear mind as much as possible. Close your eyes, take three more deep breaths, and turn face up. "See" in your mind's eye that there is a glowing ball of light directly above you..
-Imagine that with each inhalation you take, the ball of white light gets closer. Soon it will come through the top of your head and move to the center of your chest. It should make you feel as if there is a source of warm energy pulsing within you.
-Begin to imagine that it is getting larger with each exhalation. In a minute it should become a sphere of light that is large enough to surround you and the table. Keep expanding it in your mind until it fills the entire circle you made with the other elements.
-Select a symbol that you feel represents protection. Try to visualize it as being about the size of your hand and floating inside your chest where the ball of energy was. Imagine it to be glowing a soft golden color. When you can "see" it in your chest, open your eyes. Visualize the symbol floating to the east of your circle. See it as being about two feet tall and glowing in blue light. Do the same to the south, west and north of the circle. Seal the sphere around you by visualizing the symbol flat below you at the edge of the sphere below the ground. Look up and visualize the symbol flat above you at the top edge of the sphere.
-Concentrate on the circle and symbols around you and say "I stand now in sacred space. Only light may enter this purified area."

Breaking The Ties
-Only perform if suffering from repeated attacks.
-Move to a place where you can comfortably sit or lie. Even if you're not certain of your ability to find astral tendrils connected to you, visualizing they are there and dealing with them as follows will result in the same outcome.
-When comfortable, close eyes. Take three deep breaths and try to become aware of the subtle astral body surrounding you. Try to "look" for areas of your aura that feel "wrong". Try to sense dark tendrils. Open eyes and try to sense where they are.
-Lift right hand and extend pointer finger. Imagine a foot-long beam of yellow light emanating from the tip of your finger. Feel it pulsing like a short sword of energy. Use it to cut the tendrils off your astral body. They should writhe away from you. "Burn" the edge of each one with your sword after cutting it loose. After cutting all the tendrils off, let the sword dissipate, and spend a few moments feeling your energy body, sensing it is sealed off and vibrant.

Astral-Body Programming
-If attacked on a regular basis, do this ritual every week for about a month, then switching to every other week, then finally once a month.
-Get a comfortable place to sit. Take a few deep breaths. With eyes closed, continue to concentrate on your astral body, seeing it as a body of white light surrounding you.
-Feel astral body of light expand with each inhalation and contract with exhalation. When you feel aura is under conscious control, continue making it expand with inhalation. Don't make it contract with exhalation. The aura will continue to grow each time you breathe in. The further it gets from your body, the less it resembles your shape. When it reaches a distance of about two feet, it should resemble an oval of white light that encases you. Stop increasing its size.
-Spend a minute focusing on the astral shield. Concentrate on the fact that the shield can not be penetrated. Repeat several times the following mantra with long drawn out exhalations: "I am shielded from all psychic attack, I am protected from all harm."
-Visualize your aura growing brighter with each exhalation as you repeat the statement. Do it for three exhalations, then with each repetition of the mantra, see astral needles forming on the surface of the aura. Add more needles as you repeat the mantra two more times.
-Stop repeating the mantra and concentrate on the astral body. It should be heavily armored with needles. Spend a moment convincing yourself of this. While concentrating on it, repeat the following mantra for the next three exhalations: "These spikes shall repel all harm, by day and night." On the next exhalation, say with conviction: "When danger is near, these spikes shall appear!"
-Now with each exhalation, see the astral shell decrease in size. As it gets closer to your skin, it should resemble your shape again, and imagine the needles decreasing in size. When the aura has shrunk to the size of your body, see it as being smooth and feel it as part of your body. Meditate for a moment on the fact that from this point on, your astral body will swell and form its protective spikes if you are ever under psychic attack.
-Open eyes and get up. Do something to return to normal consciousness, and don't think about the rite. Thinking about it might adversely affect its outcome.

I usually skipped the purification process, but the rest of the ritual I performed about six times. I stopped after I was "attacked" the very night I did a ritual. Maybe I should have done the purification after all.

Now for my own personal recollections of Sleep Terror. And for those wondering exactly what it feels like to be "paralyzed", just think of your entire body vibrating violently, but unable to move any body part yourself.
While unconscious, whatever image my mind is projecting, whether it was a dream or just darkness, dissipates in a splash of light. Then one of two things occur:
1.) With my eyes shut and my world shroud completely in darkness, I see faint, demonic images fade in and out. Or I feel as if my subconscious is on some hellish roller-coaster ride in full color, with these freaky creatures rapidly moving past me so fast I can hardly tell what they are. Hard to give them a good description, but some can definitely be classified as skulls. Not only am I seeing these creepy things, but I also hear low, growling voices speaking in some bizarre language that I can't understand. Now keep in mind that during this, I can't move or speak, as I have tried in vain. On a few occasions, I've tried to lift my hand and extend my middle finger. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I tried to flip off whatever disturbed individual I thought was stealing my precious spirit.
2.) I enter another dream state where I feel as if I'm awake and lying in bed. Still not being able to move under my own power, I start to feel my body being lifted from the bed, my covers slipping off as I go higher. Sometimes I just float there, other times I feel myself being turned around in mid-air, and even moved all around the room. Sometimes I'm slowly pushed off the bed and onto the floor beside it, only to be lifted again and moved elsewhere. I never actually see or hear a demon as in the first scenario. I know this is a dream instead of an actual occurrence because I will randomly wake up from it, wrapped tightly in my covers.

It was upon researching the subject more that I discovered my condition resembled Sleep Terrors as opposed to psychic vampirism. But do psychic vampires really exist? I guess I'll never know until I truly do get attacked, but I‘m doubtful. I also notice that a lot of cases of Sleep Terror note that the victim would usually wake up screaming, but that's never happened to me. I'm also glad there is a medical reason for my condition... and that contrary to popular belief, I am not possessed by Satan. I'm happy to report that my attacks are now few and far between. Before, it was every few days, once a week, or even on successive nights. Since I did begin to experience what I thought were "hag attacks" after reading about psychic vampires, perhaps it was only the power of suggestion that made me believe such a thing could happen to me. Sort of how, if you truly think you are sick, you will begin to feel like it. I've read about what may cause a person to have Sleep Terror, and such things as increased brain activity, high stress levels, and being over-tired could be attributed to me. Such is the life of a fiction writer.

Wondering if psychic vampire attacks count as intercourse...

I'm Checkin' In

2007-01-22T20:30:00.002-05:00

Originally posted June 14, 2006

I have not written here for a while. Probably due to the fact that not a whole lot is going on right now. And that I don't believe I have any audience at all. I'm looking into subscribing to a web site listing service so Googlers and Yahooligans can stumble across my page. If they're looking for web sites based on such subjects as "James Gannon, "Callous", "Idle", and "writing". All at the same time.

I recently finished reading a book called Catch-22, by Joseph Heller, written in 1961. My co-worker, Ray Gustafson, lent it to me thinking I might enjoy it. The book was in dilapidated condition after being in storage for a great many years. Sadly, the book didn't fare much better in my possession due to the fact I had to OPEN the thing several times. Both the wrinkled front and back covers fell off, and many flecks of paper tore off. This book was purchased back when a novel cost seventy-five cents. The book can also be considered a gift to me, as Ray consented to me holding onto it after finishing. You probably heard of the term "Catch-22" before. It's generally a situation you can't get out of because the solution somehow gets you tangled even further into your predicament. For example: The only way to get a credit card is to have a good credit history. And the only way to get a good credit history is by using a credit card. Trust me, I have first-hand experience. Where the hell was I? Oh yes, the book. I highly recommend it if you're a serious reader, because your comprehension skills must be refined to understand the bizarre writing style. The words are easy for those with low reading skills, but the way they're arranged throughout the novel is remarkable. It will play with your head, but if you "get it", you will thoroughly enjoy the read.

I haven't been "Brain Aging It" for a while. Too consumed with other games (Animal Crossing, New Super Mario Bros.), plus other aspects of my life. Sadly, writing and drawing hasn't been one of them. I need to organize my time better.

There was only one catch... and that was Catch-22.

Memory Lane

2007-01-22T20:29:00.000-05:00

Originally posted May 26, 2006

As I was cleaning out my room/office, I came upon several items that I shoved in a cabinet inside my closet. Things that you don't really have a use for, but want to hold onto anyway for sentimental reasons. Among such things are...
-All the cards from my 21st birthday at Dave & Buster's. Most of them offered hilarious anecdotes about getting drunk, but the truth is, I didn't. August 31st, 2002 was the first and last time I've ever consumed alcoholic beverages. Not soley because of my aversion to screwing up my rational thought patterns, but because I just flat out didn't like the taste. My first experiment was with some yellow concoction which I could only take a few sips of. Then there was another called "Purple Hooter" which I could only tolerate. So yes, on my 21st birthday, I sucked down a hooter. Just don't ask me to elaborate, or the innuendo is lost.
-Also from my D&B birthday celebration, a portrait of myself done by one of those photo-booths that take your picture, draw your image, and then spits it out the side. The machine's name was "Leonardo", and according to his digital voice, I was "a masterpiece". I recall looking at the picture after it was developed and saying to myself, "I'm going to stop combing my hair back."
-A thank-you note from my cousins David and Stacy. It was in reference to a wedding gift. In their own words, they enjoyed having me there. That's right folks, I'm available for parties!
-The farewell card from my job at Shaw's Supermarket, as well as the name tag. I was there for 3 years, so I guess I struck a cord with at least the 10 people who signed the card. Two girls made reference to how I never smile, a quality which I proudly maintain to this very day. A note of interest, this card was signed by our very own pedophile and his victim!
-A few keepsakes from my days as a wrestling fan. That ended in '03, but I held onto them. Autographs from Kane and Mick "Mankind" Foley. As well as 7 ticket stubs from live wrestling events I attended. Two from the now-extinct Warwick Musical Theater, and 4 from The Providence Civic Center/The Dunk, one of which was a Pay Per View.
-Newspaper clippings in reference to the tragic death of Owen Hart. Owen was one of my favorite performers, no matter which nickname he was labeled as. His passing hit me pretty hard, despite the fact I didn't know him personally. You watch a guy perform weekly for you after a certain amount of years, it's hard to come to grips with the fact that you will never see him again, and without a proper send-off. I also found the black armband I initialed with O.H. that I wore with me for a week after he died.
-My previous driver's license and a one dollar bill, "Silver Certificate" edition. I'm hoping at least one of these will be worth something to someone someday.
-My cap, gown, and diploma from high school graduation. I better hold on to these, because they are the last kinds of these items I will procure in my lifetime.

Still nothing in the Links section. I was going to add a link to a site of an associate of mine, but he has never responded to my invitation. I will only link to sites with permission from the owners.

Last few Brain Ages since I last wrote are 23, 33, and now 35. It's been a while since I last tested.

And that's just the way it is.

The Ants Have Invaded

2007-01-22T20:23:00.001-05:00

Originally posted May 13, 2006

Unbeknownst to you all, I bought an ant farm. Today, a day that will live on forever in infamy, the ants have arrived. This is my second attempt at caring for them, the first being when I was only a little callous. I didn't feed or water them as often as I should have, and what happens when you don't provide such things to a living creature. THEY DIE. I guess I was more careless than callous, actually. Funny now that I think of it. I was a fat little kid back then, but I couldn't spare any grub for my insect buddies. I'm one of the very few people who enjoyed Maxis's SimAnt program. I don't step on ants, and won't even crush them under my callous fist if I find one in my room. I've always been fascinated by the little buggers because of their extreme intelligence, and wonder why it took so long for me to go on down to the farm again.

I started the farm off by making three tunnels in the dirt by pushing into it with a straw. But when the ants arrived, the first thing they did was fill two of them with sand. Ungrateful bitches. It was a decision that didn't garner support by all. A few would dig into the two unwanted tunnels to deepen them, but the rest would start throwing other sand grains right down into it afterwards, oftentimes on the heads of the "rebels". Which just goes to show that even ants can be pricks. It appears their first task at hand is to clear a path directly underneath the plastic seperating the dirt from the open area.

Even worse, as one ant slept inside a tunnel marked for a landfill, the others fucking BURIED HER ALIVE. At least wake the poor little SOB and warn her. When she woke up, she had to claw her way out. If I were an ant in her situation, I would have kicked some abdomen after freeing myself. But then again, the only male ants are breeder ants and have no business working in tunnels. Just for the record, all worker ants (which is the only type my Uncle Milton will ship) are female. So I'll do my best to refer to individual ants as "her" and not "him".

To correct wrongdoings of the past, I squeezed a few droplets of water in there to quench their thirsts. Disproving how smart I thought they were, three ants would hoard themselves onto one drop. Perhaps they're social drinkers. When they do drink, they just stick their faces into the water and become immobile. Sort of like how you would just relax at the bar after a hard day's work. One wanted to pass by them, and she tried her hardest not to touch any droplets in her path. I guess she's courteous to her sisters in not wanting to taint the water supply.

Mother's Day tomorrow. Bought mine some untraditional flowers called Heathers and a card that said "You've always been like a mother to me". Well, she has.

Current Brain Age: 28

I, for one, welcome our ant overlords.

MySpace Celebs

2007-01-22T20:19:00.003-05:00

Originally posted May 13, 2006

I added a few legit celebrity profiles to my Friends Space on Myspace during the past week, and today I decided to deliver comments to all of them. When I did so on Eminem's, I started getting friend requests from unknown rappers. One of their profile pictures had the guy flipping its viewer off. Why the hell would I want to be your friend if you're telling me to go fuck myself? Why would I want to be your friend anyway? Are you saying "If you like Eminem, you'll love Jay-Vee?" No. You're not Eminem. You're not even Dr. Seuss. A third friend request was from a girl named Natalie who made a profile TODAY. And it was filled with about 70 Eminem fans. She requested that you AIM her at a certain name, and I checked the profile of said name and it said "oscSock version 1.2 beta". I did some research and determined that it's a code that can really screw up your messenger service. As a matter of fact, I believe I got similair looking friend requests from profiles resembling hers. You mean all those pretty blond girls DON'T want to be my friend? I prefer brunettes a tiny degree more anyway. Nothing against blondes and redheads, I'm not shallow enough to judge based on hair color.

James Gannon Trivia: The last three women I had a strong interest in were blondes who dyed their hair black.

An excerpt from Elvira's Myspace bulletin, in regards to her attending Gay Pride Events to raise awareness: "With those boys, I can't seem to raise anything else!" That's fucking GOLD. But why does there have to be gay awareness events? I'm well aware of gay people.

Today at work (the place where I'm not writing or drawing) I bumped into someone from high school (I graduated in '99). He's married now and has a government job driving a truck in the construction field. His face hasn't changed a bit, and I immediately recognized him. But he was the one who noticed me first, and I'm surprised that he could tell who I was considering I dropped about twenty-one pounds since we last saw each other. He's married, and I can tell he matured. Why do I say that? Because he treated me like ABSOLUTE SHIT in school and he was very polite this time around. If everyone else I knew from school changed like him, I may go to the High School Reunion after all.

I added a new button and page to James-Gannon.com. I originally had an About page when I first started, but pulled it because I didn't think it was needed. But then I decided that, instead of having newcomers dip into every page to find out what everything is about, I'd give them a place to start which explains everything regarding my career, my work, and the site itself. Then there's the News page, because I thought taking the news off the main page would make it look better. When devising a button for it, I wanted it to feature another one of my characters. So I chose one of the major villains from my series, Judas Champion. Judas is Callous' arch-nemesis and is going to be featured prominately in my current project, The Devil's Hand. The button depicts Judas on the front page of Idle's newspaper's Sports section. The photo's caption reads "Idle's Judas Champion Wins Karate Tourney".

Last night's Brain Age: 31
Current Brain Age: 27

And that's just the way it is...

Counter, Countim

2007-01-22T20:09:00.000-05:00

Originally posted May 10, 2006

Another blog entry already? I figure, hey, if I have the material, why not present it?

Just a notice: I've decided not to post a blurb in the News Section whenever I post a new Epitaph. You'll just have to check it out every once in a while.

Yesterday was the weekly new DVD release day. What did I pick up out of all the Hollywood "gems" that were in the theater for approximately two weeks about half a year ago? None. I purchased season one of Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist.

To Myspace bloggers out there: If you're going to talk trash about someone, you have to at least be better than the person you're insulting. A criminal record and a need to change your pants every time you pass gas doesn't make you superior to someone who can hold a steady job and makes new lady friends regularly. No, this has nothing to do with me personally.

I spent the last part of 2005 and all of 2006 working on graphics for this web site, so I haven't had time to do any major pieces of art like you'd see in my gallery. And since I still have a list of graphics I would like to create, this won't change soon. But I am trying to make time for one major drawing. This piece is unrelated to my writings, for it is a tribute to another person. It's going to be done in photo-realistic style, similair to my self-portrait, but I will concentrate more on details this time.

I have the option of putting a counter on my site. But since I like to look at this site myself numerous times throughout the day, I'd lose track of which hits are from me or visitors. I would appreciate it if new visitors at least posted a little something on my Tag-Board. People have an aversion to it for some reason, thinking that if they compliment me on my work, I will go insane with rage, find where you live, and murder you and your family in a most grotesque fashion. DO NOT BE AFRAID TO SAY "HI". And I apologize for the pop-up in advance. Why don't you have a pop-up blocker anyway? What am I talking about, I have Firefox and I still get one.

About the button I created for The Epitaph: There's nothing cooler than crafting your own tombstone.

Nintendo DS (the preferred gaming and communication device of Idle's citizens) has a great non-game out known as Brain Age. It contains activities centered around reading, writing, arithmatic, concentration, and memorization. After doing a select few, it will calculate your "brain age" based on how well you performed. 20 is the best possible score. I try to exercise my intellect at least once a day and will keep you informed of my progressions.
Here are all my results since my first time: 67, 44, 51, 49, 43, 35, 41, 32, 29
Current Brain Age: 34

And that just the way it is...

Why Keep A Blog?

2007-01-22T20:07:00.002-05:00

Originally posted May 8, 2006

Welcome to the beginning of the personal blog of James Gannon, a little something I like to call "The Epitaph". The content of this blog isn't political commentary or general world news. Rather, it will contain thoughts I have and various going-ons in my life. I will also elaborate more on news bits I post.

I used to keep blogs off and on long before I established an official domain name, but they were usually short lived. Not knowing exactly what to talk about, it came to me that most people won't want to know what I had for lunch. Because of this, don't expect a new blog entry every day. I'll try at least a couple times a week if I'm not ready to drop from fatigue by the time it comes to write them. I will also throw in a bunch of short, random comments that I hope might make you chuckle a bit, or at least not make you roll your eyes back in your head too far. Whether I'm forming a novel or typing a blog entry, my main goal is to entertain you.

I guess a major reason that I decided to commit to this... commitment... is from what I read in a book about writing. Even though my stories are going to be the bread and butter of my career (I just made myself hungry) it appears that the writer himself is important in selling the book. By that, I don't mean I'll throw a bunch of copies of my literature into the trunk of my car and try to sell them to every person on the sidewalk. I mean that I will have to use my charisma to catch the attention of an audience so I can promote my book to them. And if anyone knows me, they know I have virtually no charisma. But that should work in my favor, as this writer's attitude matches his writings. Serious, but with hints of humor thrown in. This blog will be an online extension of my character.

I also have to restrain myself a bit on various topics, because there are certain subjects that people just can't stand hearing a different viewpoint on. This goes especially true for topics such as politics, religion, and oddly enough, sports. But if there is something I feel strongly about, I will comment on it. Hopefully my regular readers will agree with me and not go insane with the hate mail trying to sway my opinion to their side by questioning my sexuality and making inaccurate accusations about my mother with inaccurate accusations. Don't worry, I know who I am. I am a writer, on my writing web site, writing on my writing blog. I will keep things mostly in tune to my career and try not to stray too far off the beaten path.

Finally, I read a very short, useful, and to-the-point piece of advice in the same writing book I mentioned before: "Writers write". Blogging every once in a while will hopefully improve my skills in the long run.

And that is my explanation for keeping a blog. Just remember that no one is forcing you to read it, and if you choose to, I hope you enjoy it.

And that's just the way it is.