July 5, 2007

SugarLoot


What has your friendly neighborhood Writer of Darkness gotten himself involved with this time?

I registered with SugarLoot back in May for the purpose of supporting my favorite model Stephi, who I freely plugged in an April blog entry. She was involved in a monthly Hottest Girl contest, which she finished with an impressive 8.0 rating.

Of course they also had a Hottest Guy contest. I thought nothing more of this web site other than voting for one person, but then I remembered an idea I had a while back to enter my scowling self into one of the Internet's many "rate my appearance" sites. A beast among beauties. I like to be the odd man out. I also think it would be amusing just to see how low a pale fleshed, dark clothed string bean can be rated. So I looked at what my competition would be in the SugarLoot realm. The last two winners of the Hottest Guy contest looked as if they were chiseled from granite. Yup, shirt's off, body's posed as if to say "guess what I spend all my time doing?" These people spend as much time at the gym as I do at work, and I'm full time. As a matter of fact, I think that'll be my next step. When this month of the Hottest Guy contest ends, I'll enter a different picture into the next. That's right, I'll be topless, my nipples on display for the entire world to see UNCENSORED. After that contest ends, I'll probably resign from SugarLoot, my experiment concluded.
The Hottest Guy contest calls for "lady killers". I'm sure judgmental types would think of me as a killer upon first glance. It has happened, despite the fact it's usually the people you least suspect to have evil streaks that end up murdering someone in a minor dispute. Watch the news sometime.
Grand prize? Two-hundred dollar American Express gift card. For doing nothing more than uploading a picture of yourself with the hopes that people who secretly want to bang you offline will show up in droves online. That's right, it's a contest that rewards vanity.

You should always read the fine print before submitting yourself to ANYTHING. Is there a catch to winning such a dream-fulfilling grand prize for doing nothing more than showing off? Besides being ridiculed for being ugly or objectified for being attractive, you must sign away your soul. Check this shit out:

Except where prohibited by law, the winner grants (and agrees to confirm that grant in writing) permission for SugarLoot their advertising and promotional agencies, and those acting under their authority to use such winner’s name, photograph, voice and/or likeness, and winning entry (including the display, reproduction and distribution of the entry), for advertising and/or publicity purposes in all media and formats now known or hereafter discovered, worldwide and on the world wide web, without notice, review, approval, or additional compensation.

Then there's this:
Entrants further agree that SugarLoot, its respective parents, subsidiaries and affiliated companies, advertising and promotion agencies, suppliers, printers, distributors, and the respective officers, directors, employees, representatives and agents of each and any other person or entity related in any way to this Contest (together the “Contest Entities”) will have no liability whatsoever for, and shall be held harmless by entrants (and parent/legal guardian if entrant is a minor) against, any and all liability for any injuries, loss or damage of any kind to persons, including death, or property damage resulting in whole or in part, directly or indirectly, from acceptance, possession, misuse or use of any prize, participation in this promotion, or while traveling to, preparing for or participating in any prize-related activity. The Contest Entities expressly disclaim any responsibility or liability for injury or loss to any person or property in connection with the delivery and/or subsequent use of the prizes awarded.

The guidelines say that if you win, they own you. If a large amount of people think you're nice to look at, you have to bend to SugarLoot's demands. Appear on TV, ads, stuff like that. Essentially, they can turn you into their little corporate whore, but if someone who lost the contest goes insane and breaks your kneecaps, SugarLoot will respond by using you in ad spots that focus on your face. I would just love to see myself cast into one of those "Axe Tag body spray/deodorant commercials. You know, the ones where the guy just applies a little bit to his body and all the girls (only sexy ones, of course) from the tri-state area come running after him. "Wow, that guy has a manufactured scent, therefore I would like to engage in the most personal of activities with him."

I really don't know how serious these contests are taken. I decided to take some time to rate the female contestants, and here's a sampling of the entries I found: A rather classy table and chair set. An elderly woman. A female anime character. A male anime character. Tiffiani Amber-Theissan, submitted by someone who most likely isn't Tiffani Amber-Theissan. A gorgeous sunset. A transsexual. Okay, I know trannies are people too, but a guy dressing as a girl still doesn't qualify as actually BEING A GIRL. Because you're not. You're a man. In feminine make-up. I had to add "feminine" to describe the make-up because males can wear a type of make-up too. You don't think Sloth from The Goonies (R.I.P.) looked like that in real life, do you?

If a fuckin' chair can get an average rating of 5, should I be insulted if I can only get a 3.5 without bribes? Bribes? Yeah, that goes on. Girls (and sometimes a guy) will send you messages asking you to vote a 10 for their contest entries in exchange for a 10 rating on yours. No, I haven't done that, but I did get bumped up to a 4.1 just because they asked me to vote 10 for them for the 10 rating they already gave me. Some "Fans" (an equivalent to Friends on MySpace) I gained were people that didn't actually like me, but wanted to use me to boost their chances of being not only rating them, but rating them high. Proof? They become fans of every SugarLoot contestant. I started out averaging a 3.5, dipping as low as 3.2 and as high as 3.7. Then when the bribes started flowing in, I was boosted up to a 4.9 as of this writing. As low as it is, I'd much rather be an honest three and a half than a cheap five. The whole purpose of a guy like me entering a beauty contest is to see exactly how badly mainstream portrays a Dark Spirit.

DO I LOOK LIKE THE KIND OF GUY WHO CAN RANK BABIES BY CUTENESS?

And that's just the way it is.
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