'R' You Good Enough For The Goonies II?

If you were growing up in the 1980's, then you probably hold the Spielberg/Columbus/Donner movie The Goonies somewhere on your list of favorite films. Like every other youngin' from that era, you've probably been excited about news of a potential sequel that's been making the rounds on and off again in recent years. Usually accompanying that news is a followup story about how cast members or staff involved with the original saying that, although they'd be willing to participate, other matters would prevent such an occurrence from happening. It's mostly a matter of concerns about whether or not they could do the franchise justice with another iteration. The prevailing premise for the sequel, if it ever does come to fruition, is that it stars the kids of the original cast members, who would also make appearances in the movie, and their own adventures in the vein of their parents' famous trek for One-Eyed Willie's "rich stuff".

Anyway, back to the "being a child of the 80's" thing. You probably owned a Nintendo Entertainment System as well, didn't you? Then you most likely forgot that you had access to, or maybe even witnessed yourself, a title called The Goonies II. Let me remind you of what you had, or what you may have missed, whatever your case may be. The video game known as The Goonies II was not made to be a sequel to the 1985 film, but as a follow-up to a game titled simply The Goonies. Not too many Nintendo playing Americans realized there was a predecessor to the second game and thought The Goonies II was meant to take place after the movie it was based around. The first game was only released on Famicom (the NES's name in Japan) consoles, although it did make an appearance in American arcades. Both of these games were made by Konami, who you may also know as the company that houses both the Contra and Metal Gear franchises.

The Story
At the end of the first game, or movie if you prefer, The Goonies helped put the crooked Fratelli family behind bars. But as everyone knows, it's impossible to keep a Fratelli behind bars for long, and they have escaped with payback on their minds, as opposed to turning over new leaves as contributors to civilized society. Mama Fratelli, with her sons Jake and Francis in the background, appear on TV, either commandeering the airwaves or via video tape, and tell The Goonies that they have kidnapped a mermaid named Annie. This new character is apparently acquainted with them and is never seen in either the previous game or the movie. As The Goonies attempt to rescue their aquatic friend, most of them are also captured by their adversaries and locked up in various points of One-Eyed Willie's catacombs, which were taken over and renovated by the mob family. The player begins the game as Mikey Walsh, the sole Goonie who evaded capture, and sets out on his biggest adventure yet to save his friends and stop the Fratellis once and for all!

Field Guide
You'll traverse very different level types as you progress, meeting the increasingly tougher enemies that populate them. You'll meet spiders and snakes in every one except the last two listed, with the latter baddie increasing in speed the further you go. A constant nuisance are the members of the Fratelli clan. The men are all decked out in blue mobster suits with fedoras and shades, and can jump about three times their own height. That's higher than Mario can. Something most of them have in common is that they can't be killed, only temporarily stunned. You'll run into Jake the most, firing a bullet from his gun about every five seconds. Then there's Francis, who resembles his brother except for being a bit thicker, and he'll shoot arrows that split into three as they fly towards you. Can't forget about Mama Fratelli, who will only show up in one of the later restaurant sections, but she certainly makes an impact with her appearance. That's because she'll toss an endless supply of bombs and takes quite a few hits to upend her. New to this adventure is the pint-sized cousin Pip-Squeak Fratelli, who doesn't do much except zip around and make quick hops. Unlike the main members of the family, he can be killed.

The Lighthouse Lounge- This is where you start your mission, among the tables and dusty crates of the Fratellis' restaurant hideout that serves as the secret entrance to the underground maze. You'll pop up to other parts of the diner during your mission, and you'll almost always run into a member of their family every time. Even more dangerous are the ghost knights and skeletal warriors!
Cellar- Directly beneath the diner is a dusty stone cellar with numerous ladders and elevators to navigate the multitude of platforms. Watch overhead for Hitchcockian crows! As you go deeper in the basement, you'll run into a quartet of ghosts that merge into one specter and lumbering gray beasts who take more hits than any other creature in the game.
Caverns- These dark and spooky rock-scaped caves are home to H20 hazards such as waterfalls and geysers. Beware of the mutated scorpions as they fire poisonous projectiles at you and the leaping winged skeletons! Bats, the absolute most annoying enemy in the game, will also be a common sight. As you delve deeper into the earth, you'll have to leap across rocky columns jutting out of lava beds while you avoid being sauteed by miniature fire-breathing dragons!
Bridge- This crumbling wooden bridge, held in suspension by ancient ropes, links both halves of the "front" of the maze together. The challenge isn't the numerous jumps you'll have to make in order to cross this dilapidated structure, it's avoiding the floating fanged skulls that swoop down and steal your awesome boomerang weapon from you! Other than noshing on your favorite toy, they are harmless to you.
Ice Cave- A new set of enemies harass you in this slippery ice hole. Pissed off penguins, vicious walruses, dancing polar bears, and even a hatchet chucking Eskimo will make you feel as unwelcome as possible. You'll also meet a harmless Eskimo inside a passageway, but unlike his brothers, he serves no purpose and will even admit to that fact.
Underwater- Strap on your diving suit, float around, and skewer the tropical sea life with harpoons. Piranhas, crabs, octopus, jellyfish, and sharks will try to hinder your efforts down here, and the only secondary weapon you'll have access to is your bombs.

Inventory
Yo-Yo- Your default weapon, it'll extend a couple of feet in front of you to strike your enemies. Pretty puny, but if you're a quick button tapper, you'll be able to stun your target with successive blows until he expires.
Boomerang- The yo-yo was fine for taking out pesky spiders and snakes, but you'll want this long range weapon in order to protect your health bar for as long as possible. You'll never want to use the 'yo again with this in your pocket. Losing this item to the floating skulls of the suspension bridge is disheartening, but fortunately you can obtain the boomerang again by returning to the same place you found it.
Slingshot- A useful weapon that is hard to come by. It has limited shots, but unlike the boomerang you won't have to wait for your bullet to return (obviously) before firing another. Ammo is so incredibly rare that you'll probably manage to find only five refills throughout the duration of your game. You'll probably hardly ever use it in an effort to conserve ammunition for a tough encounter you'll worry about facing, but never happens.
Moltov Cocktail- If you're facing a strong baddie who is getting way too close for comfort, lob one of these explosive bottles of fire and kerosene at them.
Bomb- A dual purpose weapon, you'll probably be better off using it as a tool as opposed to offense. You drop it at your feet and it detonates about a second and a half afterward, and you'll take damage if you're near it when that happens. It's more useful for dropping in random places and hoping you'll reveal a hidden doorway. However, it does deal out more damage than the Molotov cocktail, so if you can time it right, you'll send your target of choice to kingdom come.
Key- The staple of every adventure game, this item allows you to open up safes and set your Goonie pals free from the cells the Fratellis have imprisoned them in. Used only in passageways.
Hammer- Your fist is fine for knocking items out of their hiding places, but you won't be able to punch portals through walls, ceilings, or floors without this heavy duty tool. Used only in passageways.
Ladder- There are a lot of holes in the ceilings and floors that you can't access without this handy ladder. Used only in passageways.
Glasses- A pair of spectacles that will cure Mikey's apparent far-sightedness by allowing him to see doors and wall safes he couldn't before. Used only in passageways.
Candle- Several of the rooms you enter will be pitch black, so using this will illuminate your surroundings. You can still navigate doors, hit walls, climb portals, and pick up items without it, but this makes it less of a hassle. Worth getting, but you won't need it to beat the game. Used only in passageways.
Transceiver- Admittedly, I never discovered this item during my numerous playthroughs, at least, not that I can remember. So that means, yes, you can beat the game without it. Apparently it can be used to communicate with the trapped Goonies and Konami itself. Talk about breaking the fourth wall!
Waterproof Coat- Slip this on to guard you from the damaging effects of the waterfall and geysers. While you can beat the game without it, it's still worth having for protection, plus you'll be able to find a hidden door to Konami Man behind one of the falls easier with it on.
Bulletproof Vest- Having this on your person will lessen damage taken from the bullets fired by Jake Fratelli and the mutant scorpions. Each shot normally reduces half a life bar, but this will cause it to take only a quarter. Not needed to finish the game.
Helmet- Cover your dome with this yellow piece of plastic to deflect the icicles that occasionally rain down in the ice cave. Wholly unneeded to complete the game, as its only purpose is to protect you from a hazard in the smallest level type in the game that are easy enough to dodge on your own.
Diving Suit- Lets you dive underwater and skewer the edible denizens of the deep with harpoons. There are a couple of Goonies to be found in the underwater caves as well as Annie the mermaid, so I'll leave it up to you to figure out whether or not you need it to complete the game.
Jumping Shoes- Lacing up these blue shoes will propel you heights that even pro basketball players wouldn't be able to reach. That's because each has a pair of springs embedded in the soles. Not only will you be able to reach high locations you could only stare longingly at before, they're quite ideal for saving you trips up ladders and evading enemies.
Hyper Shoes- If you put on these red winged shoes, which bear a striking resemblance to the company logo of The Athlete's Foot, you'll leave even those lightning fast serpents and speeding bullets in your wake! Great for covering more ground a lot faster than before and jumping across wide gaps.
Key Holders, Bomb Boxes, and Fire Boxes- Increases the carrying capacity of your keys, bombs, and Moltov cocktails respectively. Several of each can be found.
Magic Locator Device- Finding one of these will highlight the location of a Goonie on the map screen. I guess the Fratellis had them tagged.

Your playable character Mikey begins his grand adventure armed only with a yo-yo for making short range strikes at the weak foes you'll encounter early on in his mission. Your starting health consists of two bars, which is fine when you face the easy "one hit to kill" enemies at the start, but quickly becomes a headache when you go against the faster and stronger enemies that you meet pretty early on.
The hideout is made up of two sides of platforming style "action scenes", a front and a back, that are connected via "adventure scene" passageways you navigate in first person. It is inside these passages where you discover a majority of the items, and where you mostly use them as well. You'll find wall safes, which have to be opened with a key, that contain either an item or a clue. Just be sure you remember which ones you've already exhumed, because they will be closed again the next time you see them and you'll waste another key to discover a whole lot of nothing. You will also meet up with several bizarre, Engrish-speaking characters who will either offer you hints, equipment, or an energy refill. These include ancient monks, blind elderly women, the colorful Konami Man, and a Gill-man apparently on vacation from his black lagoon. It is inside these adventure scenes that you will rescue your Goonie comrades, and doing so adds an extra bar to your health meter.
The gameplay is solid and controls very well, but what else would you expect from Konami? Seeing as how this game wasn't rushed out to be released alongside a movie hitting the theater, a problem that today's licensed games suffer from, they were allowed to take time with this one. The play style is similar to the Metroid series in that it's non-linear, and you'll have to backtrack in order to access areas you were unable to reach before you grabbed a significant inventory item. You'll see holes in ceilings that were unreachable before finding the ladder, and when you nab the glasses you'll most likely want to revisit old passageways to see if you missed any invisible goodies the first time you passed through them. It's rewarding to finally be able to cross a long gap that you passed and cursed at so many times before when you finally strap on the hyper shoes late in the game. The game music is awesome and truly establishes the mood of your location, including an 8-bit instrumental of Cyndi Lauper's "The Goonies 'R' Good Enough" playing through the restaurant sections. When you get a game over, you end up at a screen where Mama Fratelli, with an excessively animated face, asks whether or not you wish to continue. If you choose not to, she helpfully provides with you with the kind of scrambled password that every NES player is most likely familiar with in order for you to continue thwarting her scheme in the future. If you do want to continue... she wishes you luck. I even think she is genuine about it.

In game, Mikey is sporting quite a punky style with his blazing hot pink hair and matching sweat pants with a navy blue muscle shirt. Cyndi Lauper has not been a good influence on him. The other Goonies all look identical, except for slight differences in hair and clothing style between genders. This means that Brand and Chunk share the same sprite. They all look like chubby midget clowns in blue overalls/dresses, with red hair, shirt, and shoes. Yes, even Data. One of the most lovable characters from the movie, Sloth, makes absolutely no appearance at all. How could you not figure out a role for this strong and loyal defector from the Fratelli clan, even if just as a cameo in one of the passageways to hand you off an item? Speaking of notable omissions from the film, none of Data's inventions make it in. You'd think things like belts equipped with spring loaded boxing gloves, suction cupped darts that reel in those out of reach items, and novelty teeth grappling hooks would be no-brainer and useful additions to your inventory. You'll also acquire two kinds of shoe upgrades, but absolutely no slick shoes.

Tips
-A map is imperative for this journey. While there is an in-game one, it is made up of featureless white squares that is of little help. I highly recommend making your own so you can scrawl notes on it. Then again, now that I think about it, I never used a map when I played in my youth. I actually completed the game multiple times, sometimes in one sitting, with my own memory guiding me on where to go. Let me rephrase: older folks like myself with decaying brain matter will need to make a map.
-Most enemies spawn via a morphing cloud and take a couple of seconds to emerge. Use this as an opportunity to strike them the second they finish forming.
-You'll receive a message inside a safe about how you'll only find some doors by dropping bombs in appropriate places. It's not worth the effort of placing explosives after every few paces you take, as the only things these doors will contain are 1-ups or Konami Man. Useful sure, but not worth the effort of spending hours finding bombs and wasting them minutes later.
-Several times throughout your adventure, you will come upon several women sitting in rooms and wailing about how they can't see anything without their glasses. You'll probably take this as a cue that you'll need to find a pair and give them to her in return for a valuable item or clue. Don't waste your time, as their only purpose is to hint that, when you find the glasses, you'll be able to use them to see things you couldn't without them.
-Do not punch Konami Man. Not because he might kick your ass, which he could, but because he will return the favor in a much worse manner: He'll refuse to refill your life bar whenever you find him for the rest of the game. Everyone else in the game can safely have their jaws jacked. There is even one person in particular where this is actually a necessity in finding an item. You'll know who it is because they'll pretty much make you want to pound them.
-Don't sweat game overs. You'll restart in the same region you died in, with the only penalty being that your bombs, Molotov cocktails, keys, and slingshot ammo will be gone. These things can easily be recovered by spending a few minutes attacking the endlessly respawning spiders and snakes.
-If you make it to Annie the Mermaid's holding tank before rescuing all The Goonies and/or without having a key on hand, you might think you're stuck there with no visible exit. Even pressing down on the control pad won't let you escape. What you have to do is put the diving suit back on in order to do so, but you may not realize this since, unlike other times you enter the underwater worlds, there is no visible water hole in the floor.

This is one of my favorite games from my childhood, and the odds of it ever seeing an official re-release as a downloadable title on modern consoles are slim to nil. In order to do so, Konami would need to obtain the rights to The Goonies license and most likely permission from Lauper's record label for the main theme. There was no other Goonies game after this one, although Mikey did make an appearance as a playable character in another Famicom game released exclusively in Japan called Wai Wai World, where he teamed up with Konami Man, Simon Belmont, a ship from Gradius, King Kong, and a few others to take on the aliens from Contra. If the fabled sequel to the movie ever does see the light of day, how great would it be if they referenced the events of this game as having really happened? Also, just to mess with our heads, call the movie The Goonies III! Include a flashback sequence to show how they met Annie.

"Thank you to Konami and The Goonies!"

As a reward for making it through the entire review of this 20-year-old game, lay your eyes on the custom map I created to complete the game recently. Please do not attempt to utilize it yourselves or you will become even more lost than you would be without it. However, use it as a general rule of game map-making. Create it in a way that's most convenient for you to understand, not anyone else. Let them make their own damn map.

My Brush With Maim

A little more than a week ago, I was contacted by Chuckles The Klown, Rhode Island's resident evil clown, with an interesting proposal: He wanted me to play a part on his public access show, The Chuckles 'n Laughs Show. It sure sounded like a unique experience, so I agreed to come down and check it out. The program in question is a macabre talk show with skits, a place where Elvira would feel right at home. It is hosted by Chuckles The Klown, a deranged jester who marks every day on his calendar as Halloween, and also takes his act on the road and occasionally M.C.s at local clubs. The show's cast is comprised of his family and friends in various costumed and heavily makeupped roles.

I first met Chuckles and a pair of his co-stars at the USWF's 16th Anniversary Show on April 18th. For those that don't know, I'm the figurehead President of that promotion, and Chuckles is a longtime veteran who was making his grand return as a manager. I guess The Klown was impressed enough with my performance to consider me a potential new talent for his show. The role in question was that of the Director of the "Chuckles Asylum", the setting of the program. I would be taking over for Dr. Degraide (USWF Hall of Famer The Lariat) who was suspended from his duties due to "malpractice". I would essentially be the big boss of the hospital, coming in to rein in on Chuckles and friends' insanity.

April ends, I turn the calendar to May, and it was show time. I drive to the studio, which is filmed out of The Klown's two car garage. That meant it was a step above about 90% of public access sets which are usually recorded in living rooms with poor lighting. The interior was a sight to behold: a glimpse into the creative mind of a man who wields horror as his comedic weapon. PVC pipe prison bars enclosing the entrance. An orange crate designed to burst open for surprise entrances. Fog machines, strobe lights, and black lights. A table with several recently made papier-mâché skulls standing to dry. A dressing room full of enough costumes, props, and face paint to staff an entire hospital of psychotic patients and equally demented caretakers. Horror and sci-fi movie memorabilia, including a Jason-inspired hockey mask signed by the likes of Tom Savini, Derek Mears, and the true Jason Voorhees of Friday the 13th: Part 2, Warrington Gilette Steve Dash. Other anemnities that are staples of garages used solely for housing hobbies are a microwave, mini-fridge, and TV. There was also an amazingly sophisticated lighting and sound system, but even more amazing was that the show was recorded on a tiny digital camera.

After getting suited up in my costume, consisting of gaudy, blood stained blue-green scrubs, a ratty medical coat, and a burn-marked tie, I met some new people and hung with some I was already familiar with. Aside from the regular cast was Tombstone Tony of Tony Jones & The Cretin 3, DJ Psycho Eddie, RWA wrestler The Irish Warrior, and also my USWF co-stars Maniac Mike and John Almeida. The aforementioned crew have regular parts on the show, although Tony was just there to watch on this day.

The first series of acts featured a man from Taunton, Massachusetts who was about to turn the loony bin on its ear. Known as "The Human Floor", he was one of those guys who wouldn't protest if you were to walk all over him. In fact, he encouraged being used as a welcome mat. He warmed the crowd up by doing something that seemed pedestrian to him, but would get many of us sent to a REAL hospital: He held a cinder block on his head and then had his lovely assistants smash it to pieces with a club hammer. He then had one broken over his OTHER head, if you catch my drift. Following that, he inserted a nail into each nostril with the business end of a regular hammer and then had an unwilling "volunteer" pry them out with the claw end. Next he had four ladies stand on top of his body, including his face, and sang happy birthday to one of them. A ball crushing also occurred, which I was quite certain wasn't a part of the act. Then he really ramped up the freak factor by bringing out two beds of nails (I checked, they were legit), sandwiching himself between them, and then having people stand, sit, and jump on top of him. When he peeled himself out of this horizontal iron maiden, his body was full of pockmarks, but not a single one produced blood. Determined not to leave without making the audience grind their teeth into a fine powder, he smashed a pair of beer bottles, dumped the shards into a bucket full of thousands more of them, spread them on the ground, and proceeded to walk over them with his bare feet. The sound of broken glass grinding beneath his soles nearly made Chuckles himself pass out. He even took a trip over them carrying an audience member in his arms for added pressure. At least the worst was over... until he brought out the darts. Darts I personally witnessed him sharpening into fine points. He had some of us hurl them towards a crudely drawn target on his stomach. In yet another malfunction involving the man's crotch, a dart nearly missed giving him a Prince Albert. Yes, they stuck inside his flesh, and yes, there was an oozing blood trail. And yes, we also gave this sick bastard an ovation. What does that say about us? I should note that after certain stunts, Chuckles would summon me, "the doctor", to center stage to check on the condition of The Human Floor to the best of my ad-libbed abilities. I would dust some cinder block residue off his brow or check his eyes for whatever reason, then head back to my seat to allow the show to progress. Some miscellaneous facts about The Human floor is that he's a former wrestler, and that other routines in his torturous arsenal are being buried alive and having hundreds of dollars in cash stapled to his face and body.

As the show progressed, I started to become increasingly concerned about the fact that I still had no inkling of what I would be doing when it was my time to appear on stage; just who my character was. Though I was aware that a script existed, usually in the possession of Chuckles in the form of a red composition notebook, its contents had yet to be seen by my eyes. When The Human Floor finished his set, I was finally summoned backstage for a pep talk by The Klown. It was finally my time to shine, or so I thought. The next segment would be an interview with The Human Floor, which would start out with me walking on stage, introducing myself as the medical director, and how the usual insanity that occurs on the show would be ending under my watch. Then I would be seated on a couch with The Human Floor where both Chuckles and I would take turns lobbing questions at him like the razor sharp darts that were used earlier. Problem was that there was no preparatory time before hand, and this segment was going to be taking place immediately. The whole week prior to this day, I thought I would be working off a script, but in actuality, I would have to be working off the cuff with on-the-spot improv. The only thing I do worse than acting is improvisational acting. While Chuckles assured me the role would be similar to my USWF Presidential gig, I would normally prepare for that role by coming up with and reciting speeches in my head for weeks in advance. I suddenly had flashbacks to my uncomfortable "deer in headlight" moments that plagued my early USWF career where I appeared on camera with a general idea of what I should say, and then freezing up as those I shared the scene with would scramble to come up with something to fill the dead air and save the scene from myself. The last thing I wanted to do now was derail Chuckles' show with my improvisational ineptitude, so I backed out. I suppose I could tackle the role if I know what to expect beforehand, but at the time I surely wasn't a doctor, nor have I played one on TV. In the United States Wrestling Federation, I play a character whose job is to direct the chaos of a group of maniacs who wish to cause harm to themselves and each other, and in The Chuckles 'n Laughs Show... my God. The Klown was right.

There was an Asian theme to this particular episode, where specters from the Orient were conjured up and began haunting the asylum. There was a ghost ninja who was unsure of his nationality and the demon leads from The Grudge and The Ring. There were also visits from Eddie as a psycho sumo, and the head nurse played by Chuckles' real life wife Lacey, who was quite impressively made up to look like a Geisha. The talk show segments played out with Chuckles exchanging banter with The Irish Warrior or Maniac Mike, when one of the aforementioned guests would show up and start harassing whoever The Klown's sidekick was. Irish Warrior played his paranoid part perfectly, and I think the unfortunate nurse got run through with a sword twice. Apparently her death is a running gag in the series. The ninja and the sumo squared off, with the shinobi spirit getting easily squashed. Then there was a recurring segment called "The Ted Bundys" that parodied Married With Children, featuring a hockey masked Ted Bundy getting frustrated with his disappointing family and running them through with a butcher knife.

This day had two shows scheduled to be taped, but I had to depart at the conclusion of the first. I didn't get to appear on TV again, except for a brief second to check on the fainted Irish Warrior after he was apparently given a heart attack by The Ring girl, and maybe that was for the best. As a spectator, I watched the recording while trying to think of how I would interact with the scene if I were up there myself as mental preparation. I bid my farewells, was told the date of the next show, and how I might give it another try. There was a beautiful white hearse parked in front of the studio for a future segment, and it tore my heart to leave before I could see it implemented. Leaving a horror show before a hearse can be utilized is like leaving a birthday party before the cake is served.


Further Viewing:

The Chuckles 'n Laughs Show
YouTube
DailyMotion
FaceBook
MySpace

The Human Floor
YouTube
FaceBook
MySpace

Cross Guard

"Gannon, where u live? Wana come w me 2 that interview that guy 2moro? Its in Warwick. My number is --- --- ---- txt me or call if ur down"

I got an e-mail late last night from The Stray Cat. I don't mean an abandoned feline whose "cat like typing" accidentally sent me a coherent FaceBook message. "The Stray Cat" is the stage name of Jay Messier, a fellow Rhode Island resident who has had a lot of crazy escapades in the Ocean State, such as hosting Yellow Snow, a public access show dedicated to his misadventures revolving around teenage girls and beer, and was once the owner of the backyard wrestling club known as the United States Wrestling Federation. Pretty much everything I just mentioned in this paragraph will have Epitaphs devoted to them, but we're going to focus on the content of the e-mail.

"That guy" is a reference to Tom Helling, who we will affectionately refer to as "The Cross Guy". Mr. Cross Guy is a man who recently found God and decided to carry a large cross over his shoulder from Bangor, Maine to Mexico to spread the powerful influence of The Almighty Father. That's about 2,900 miles. Keep in mind I walked about 10 miles through Providence to make my Confirmation and ended up with blisters the size of golf balls on my soles. This guy cares more about God now than I ever did.



The Stray Cat was anticipating that this interview would be an adequate follow-up to his "Homeless Suzy" video, where he recorded a crazy woman's ramblings at the park where his friend's wedding photos were being taken. You would figure that a gentleman emulating Christ's excruciating, cross-dragging march towards his eventual crucifixion in the 21st century might yield a bizarre interview. Would Jay's public access standout, Yellow Snow, return to its glory years on the backs of Suzy Q. and The Cross Guy?

I predicted that this interview would secure Jason Messier's destiny as the phoenix rising from the recently deceased Walter Cronkite's ashes. That is, if the news anchor who was called "The Most Trusted Man In America" had a history of convincing women to flash at night clubs and turning himself into a literal pin cushion with thumbtacks while wrestling in his backyard. He labels himself as America's Savior, dedicating himself to fight the chains of oppression that political correctness brings. He does it by finding comedy in topics that might be considered taboo by most, as evidenced by the videos he's created. So when Jay got a hot tip on The Cross Guy and his whereabouts, he knew he had to conduct an interview with him that only The Stray Cat could.



It was learned that The Cross Guy was staying at a Motel 6 in Warwick, and I have no idea how Jay did it, but he contacted the motel and managed to set up an interview with Mr. Helling for the following day. It didn't seem like Tom would be moving on from his current location for a while, as he mentioned how tired his legs were and the fact that it would be raining most of the day. But we had to get there quick. The Warwick Beacon already scooped us the day before, and I'd be damned if a larger news group beat us to the punch. Thankfully, there were no news vans in the parking lot when we arrived. We entered the Motel 6 and Mr. Helling was waiting for us in the lobby, sans cross. We were to conduct the interview in the courtyard, which was under a balcony, but that didn't really matter since the rain let up. But wouldn't you know that the lawn sprinklers just happened to start up? The Cross Guy went to his room to get his namesake first, then we were ready to roll. He sat with Stray Cat on a green metal mesh bench and I held the camera to record this historic Yellow Snow feature.

I won't spend too much time in this Epitaph transcribing what will already be found in our video footage and online articles already written and soon to be written. Links to all those will be found towards the end of this entry. I'll just address some key points. Just about every question was asked by Jay, which was fine considering many of my own were similar to what he planned on asking anyway. The one inquiry I had was basically when he started his journey and how long he expected it to last. Taking into consideration how long he could stand to walk with a mobile cross over his shoulder in a single day, plus the times he would have to shack up during inclement weather, this missionary to Mexico could be at it for years. Speaking of which, The Cross Guy said his foray towards South of the Border might not even go past that border. He might either tag it with his hand or step one foot onto Mexican soil and be done with it. Hell, he might even decide to continue his great journey indefinitely.

One thing The Cat and myself marveled about was the lack of news stories about his journey. We both searched the Internet for any info about this guy we could scrape together, and there were only a scant few articles from roaming journalists lucky enough to drive past him and chase him down for an interview. Tom did not seem perplexed, as he was not seeking attention with his journey and certainly didn't advertise it. But I have a feeling that as word of Mr. Helling spreads, many interested parties may set up camp by his estimated resting points in order to chronicle his story for their region's news organizations. It's the feel good story that's sorely missing from today's newscasts.



While The Stray Cat managed to conduct a good straight-forward interview, that wasn't the original intent. We thought we might try to ask some fun questions to take the edge off the serious message behind The Cross Guy's quest. The kinds of things that serious and legitimate reporters wouldn't ask. However, we changed our minds early on as we got to know the guy and asked normal questions. Sure, it wasn't the Homeless Suzy follow-up Jay was relying on, but I decided it was good for what it was and Tom had a great message for the human race. It was more about spirituality than religion, meaning you didn't have to have a superior being in your life to make the most of it. While there were questions I wish I remembered to ask when I had the chance, I spent more time thinking about questions that I shouldn't ask on the drive over to the motel.
-Did anyone ever make remarks about the seven-foot-long wood he was packing?
-Should he stick an umbrella on top of the cross to make his walks in the rain drier?
-Wasn't it totally hilarious that a man whose last name is Helling has turned to God? I can answer that. The answer is "no".
-Did he hope to inspire other people with his actions? Inspire them to also construct large crosses and carry them around the highways and byways of America? It's fine for one guy to do it, but if there were legions of people emulating this act it would slow down traffic worse than cyclists.
-Did he consider himself a modern day Jesus, demonstrating how he would lug around a crucifix in the present day? Features of this cross are a wheel on the bottom, a padded shoulder rest, minimal supplies strapped to the bottom, and new boots on his feet. Critics have already decried that the way Mr. Helling was going about his recreation "wasn't how Jesus did it", but I most certainly believe Mr. Christ would have if he were sentenced in this day and age.

We signed The Cross Guy's cross, as those who conversed with him were invited to do, which after only eight days and 3oo miles was already speckled with as many signatures as there are verses in The Bible. I wonder if all that extra ink and lead weighed his lumber down even more? By the time he completes his trek, the thing will probably be completely black from all the John Hancocks, not to mention his shoulder and hands stained from holding the cross in humid and moist weather conditions.

When we were finished with our questioning, we still tried to sneak in a little bit of clowning around with The Cross Guy. See, Jay brought a boom box along with us in hopes that we could convince Tom to either sing karaoke to Madonna's "Like A Prayer", or to get him to do a Hulk Hogan set of poses to The Hulkster's entrance music "Real American". Jay tuned up Hogan's music and demonstrated how the former wrestling icon would play to the crowd by flexing his arms in positions not that much different than how a cross would stand. While Mr. Helling got a kick out of The Stray Cat's routine, it wasn't for him. So we bid him farewell and good luck, and even though I have no control over such things, I apologized to the Arizona native for the rash of wet weather New England had been getting lately. Godspeed, Tom "Cross Guy" Helling. You're a stronger willed man than I.

I also made a little snippet of video with Jay before departing, (in my driveway, not in front of The Cross Guy) where I told COX Communications to fuck off because they forbid us to advertise the United States Wrestling Federation's online content. I also happened to be wearing my custom made USWF logo shirt during the interview.



And that's just... the way... it is...

Our Video Interview, courtesy of Yellow Snow Productions
Cross Walk Talk Part 1
Cross Walk Talk Part 2

More Cross Walk Reading
Warwick Beacon's article
Wicked Local's article
Newburyport News' article
Vagabond Journey's article

Keep in mind that since Tom Helling practically just started his journey, there will be many more articles written in the future, so hug that Google if this story interests you. I doubt I'll be posting any more follow-ups. I've written my piece.